


Shit, Let's Raid Area 51

by Caubool



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Complete, Crack Treated Seriously, Doc Scratch Being Creepy, F/F, Injury will be described not narrated, M/M, Major Character Injury, Minor Character Death, Multi, Non Epilogue Complient, Nonbinary Roxy Lalonde, The Area 51 Raid Fic, Troll Anatomy, VERY alien trolls, doc scratch can eat a fist, document fic, no beta we die like men, reuinion, the agents dont matter too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-07-25 13:38:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20026714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caubool/pseuds/Caubool
Summary: TG: hey roseTT: Yes, Dave?TG: so i was thinkingTG: what if we aka you me roxy dirk john jade jane jake raided area 51 like frTT: Then we would be shot full of holes.TG: ok but ignoring the guns





	1. TG ==> gather support

\--turntechGodhead [TG] has started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 2:49:18 on 25-07-2019--

****Intercepted on 29-07-2019 by J. L. Madison AID<34589.2>****

TG: rose  
TG: hey  
TG: hey rose  
TG: hey  
TG: rose rose rose  
TG: rosie  
TG: roshilda  
TG: roliath  
TG: roomba  
TG: zoomba  
TG: zumba?  
TG: rose  
TG: hey hey hey hey hey  
TG: im not going to stop fyi so you better pick up  
TG: hey rose

TT: Yes, Dave?

TG: so i was thinking  
TG: what if we aka you me roxy dirk john jade jane jake raided area 51 like fr

TT: Then we would be shot full of holes.

TG: ok but ignoring the guns

TT: This better not be a ploy to try and meet Lil' Nas. We all know he's your idol but there are much better ways of going about it.

TG: no shut up  
TG: lil nas is a fucking treasure and i will meet him through twitter or cake boss or hopefully both  
TG: i mean like actually raiding area 51 cause were all lonely as fuck and if our alien waifus are being held captive then shit  
TG: lets raid area 51

TT: How much time have you been spending with our dear eldest brother?

TG: rose  
TG: i am dead ass serious  
TG: its the perfect get together  
TG: we all show up  
TG: maybe cry a bit because holy shit its our first ever meet up and everyones hella sweaty cause were in a desert but its all whatever cause hell yeah thats my best friend and his entire weird family  
TG: sup john  
TG: john: sup dave!  
TG: let me hug you bro completely platonic get your ass over here and into my arms  
TG: john: dave thats gay!  
TG: no i said platonic duh  
TG: john: ok then hug time!  
TG: hug time  
TG: and then like a million people show up with musicians on their backs already singing power ballads with sweet amps and a battle cry goes up and we start raiding the place  
TG: we bust in around back with the furry squad  
TG: cause jade will insist  
TG: and we see all those aliens kept in cages and were all hell naw  
TG: guns and needles and forks and hammers and swords start flying everywhere  
TG: its chaos  
TG: chaos rose

TT: Mmhm.

TG: so we see these aliens  
TG: and we break them out  
TG: and its like those old collectable toy brands 'theres one for everyone!' that jingle we should sing the jingle breaking them out  
TG: anyways  
TG: so we all get a sweet alien waifu  
TG: a dark vanmpire lady for you

TT: Oh thank you.

TG: youre welcome  
TG: a crazy fun one for me  
TG: john will probably fall for the evil one because he stans loki  
TG: coward  
TG: if youre going to stan a villain unironically pick one that isnt greaseball mcsleeze dick loki  
TG: but yeah john will probably get loki or a cosplayer or something idk  
TG: and the rest of our group gets their new signifigant other via the raid and we head to del taco like a block away and get tacos with our new alien pals before we go home  
TG: its literally perfect

TT: I see. Well, if you manage to accrew support from the rest of the group then I will gladly accompany you all to our very early graves. So long as, of course, my future biography on the entire raid is well over 1,000 pages in length.

TG: fuckin done  
TG: ill contact some of my wicked fans about that biography

TT: Wonderful.  
TT: And Dave?

TG: yea?

TT: Go to bed it's 3 in the morning.

TG: nah but thanks i guess

TT: Of course. Get well soon, brother mine.

\--tentacleTherapist [TT] has stopped pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 3:08:27 on 25-07-2019--

\--turntechGodhead [TG] has started pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 3:09:01 on 25-07-2019--

****Intercepted on 29-07-2019 by J. L. Madison AID<34589.2>****

TG: hey dirk

TT: Yeah, Dave?

TG: lets raid area 51

TT: Cool. When?

TG: september 20

TT: I'll mark it down. Want me to check with my side?

TG: yeah that would be super helpful

TT: Then it's done. Talk to you later Dave.

TG: man just say ttyl

TT: No.  
TT: That's too old.  
TT: Do you think I'm old, Dave?

TG: older than the ocean

TT: Damn.  
TT: TTYL.

TG: peace

\--turntechGodhead [TG] has stopped pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 3:10:12 on 25-07-2019--

\--turntechGodhead [TG] has started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 3:10:53 on 25-07-2019--

****Intercepted on 29-07-2019 by J. L. Madison AID<34589.2>****

TG: hey john  
TG: i know its super late but pester me when you get up  
TG: ive got a bitchin idea that needs your egberty charm to woo rose into the idea too  
TG: dont actually flirt with my sister  
TG: either of them  
TG: for the sake of my sanity  
TG: dont flirt with dirk either  
TG: covering all my bases  
TG: the harlengcrockerberts are wily fucks and i dont trust you not to flirt with any of my siblings  
TG: stg you insinuate mackin on any of my sibs i die  
TG: you wanna be responsible for my death? huh? wanna pay for the funeral?  
TG: you date roxy then let her cry on your shoulder during my funeral i see you john  
TG: i  
TG: see  
TG: you  
TG: yeah so hit me back when youre up

\--turntechGodhead [TG] has stopped pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 3:11:29 on 25-07-2019--

\--turntechGodhead [TG] has started pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 3:12:03 on 25-07-2019--

****Intercepted on 29-07-2019 by J. L. Madison AID<34589.2>****

GG: hey dave!!

TG: oh shit  
TG: hey harley  
TG: didnt think youd be awake

GG: its 9 am dummy!

TG: oh shit  
TG: timezones  
TG: fuck

GG: fuck indeed ;D  
GG: whatcha need brooooooo?  
GG: how many o's are in a good bro??

TG: as many os as a bro earns  
TG: i wanna raid area 51  
TG: the dave army needs YOU  
TG: https://imgur.com/a/8dDSZlc  
TG: see what i did there

GG: he he he! i do see what you did there!!  
GG: but i was already planning on going to the raid ;0

TG: oh sick  
TG: is jake coming?

GG: duh!!!

TG: awesome  
TG: can you go bug my sister into joining  
TG: please  
TG: pretty please  
TG: with furbies on top

GG: roxy?

TG: no rose

GG: rose is already going! i asked her weeks ago!

TG: w  
TG: harley give me a moment

GG: of course!!  
GG: bye dave!

\--turntechGodhead [TG] has stopped pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 3:13:24 on 25-07-2019--

\--turntechGodhead [TG] has started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 3:13:58 on 25-07-2019--

****Intercepted on 29-07-2019 by J. L. Madison AID<34589.2>****

TG: rose youre full of shit

TT: Why, whatever are you talking about, David?

\--turntechGodhead [TG] has stopped pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 3:14:09 on 25-07-2019--

****JLMADS: Note: All members of the group <OG_413#612> have at this point in the <90012> timeline agreed to venture to Area 51. Will report with future conversations as they appear. Ready project ASPECT.****


	2. Characters==> Make Drama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> EB: dude when you die from not sleeping im getting howie mandel to pee on your grave!
> 
> TG: dont use my jokes against me
> 
> TG: thats so uncool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the comments got me jazzed so this one gets released early while I ride this high!!
> 
> If you're ever wondering why a bunch of weird shit gets thrown in here; it's me. It's what I like. This story was originally written for my own viewing pleasure, and that's not going to change. There will be a happy end, simply because that's what I need in a story.

Internal Report--Provided by Senior Analyst and RECON-T Viewer Jim L. Madison AID<34589.2>

Time: 16:00:00 on 30/7/2019 tlv: 90012

Audio Interrogation Report #4 with AAID<02.10> designation: "SOLLUX CAPTOR"  
\--------------

JLM: Good evening.

02: Get fucked

JLM: *laughter heard*  
JLM: Hostile tonight, are we?

02: No shit. I wonder why. The reason is beyond this piss-filled half fried pan. I'm lost. I'm just so lost.

JLM: Now, now, this is all going to be recorded!

02: Yeah, I know.

JLM: Oh? Wonderful, then let's get started and skip over all the introductions. With less swearing please.

02: No no, I changed my mind, do the introductions. You sound like such an asshole every time you start and at this point anything that makes me even kinda laugh at night I'll take it, even if it's straight out of your double dipped accidental slurry shovelling face.

-silence for 00:00:29-

JLM: Sure are creative.

02: Bite me.

JLM: What is your name?

02: Collux Saptor.

JLM: How old are you?

02: A bazillion sweeps.

JLM: When did you land on this planet?

02: Your mayhm.

JLM: It's mom.

AUDIO: *unintelligible static*

JLM: Hmm.  
JLM: Anyways, what is your purpose on this planet?

02: To get absolutely wasted and die in a ditch.

JLM: I can see you're not taking this very seriously.

02: I'm just done.

JLM: Done?

02: Don't care. Uncooperative. Distant. Aggrivated. Annoyed into not giving a fuck. Shit, you got a dictionary?

JLM: Why are you "done"?

02: Don't act like you don't know.

-silence for 00:00:59-

02: Seriously?! You're going to act all high and mighty NOW?! You fucking

AUDIO:*unintelligible static*

JLM: Is this a result of zero-zero-one's termination?

02: HER NAME IS ARADIA!

JLM: Aradia's termination, then.

02: How can you SAY it like that? She wasn't terminated you culled her! You bastards CULLED her! She was alive and now she's not, that's not termination that's MURDER! You took her away from me and now you want to shrug it off like a routine thing, what is WRONG with you?!

JLM: This is Madison, requesting sedation.

02: YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM THIS! I'M GOING TO TEAR YOUR WIND TUBE STRAIGHT FROM YOUR NECK!

AUDIO: *unintelligible static*

**The rest of the audial report has been corrupted. See video file #02.04.4 for further description.**

\------------  
Passing Time by Maya Angelou

Your skin like dawn  
Mine like musk

One paints the beginning  
of a certain end.

The other, the end of a  
sure beginning.  
\------------

\--ectoBiologist[EB] has started pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 11:39:21 on 25/07/2019--

****Intercepted on 29-07-2019 by F. M. Ghas AID<46881.4>****

EB: dave!  
EB: why were you up so early! do you even sleep? 

TG: why john  
TG: you should know by now

EB: sleep is for the weak

TG: yes exactly

EB: dude when you die from not sleeping im getting howie mandel to pee on your grave!

TG: dont use my jokes against me  
TG: thats so uncool  
TG: that should count as plagarism or maybe a double standard  
TG: to take my own fucking amo and shoot it straight back in my face  
TG: youre stealing strider property egderp  
TG: you better cough up a reason or my dad is going to beat your dads ass and then your ass because he works at microsoft and is secretly hatsune miku  
TG: you better prepare to get a leek to the ass john because once miku is on the shit she is on the shit  
TG: dirk says that miku could beat his ass and hed still lick her boots and honestly idk if he was joking so like im kinda concerned about that  
TG: but w/e because miku will be your problem soon so ill be able to stop worrying about dirks weird ass kinks

EB: dave thats  
EB: thats way too much

TG: ???

EB: ugh! nevermind!  
EB: so why did you pester me last night?

TG: were gonna raid area 51

EB: like actually for real going to nevada raid area 51?

TG: on god

EB: like everyone?

TG: everyone

EB: and i cant flirt with roxy?

TG: john

EB: kidding!  
EB: roxy is really fun to hang out with though

TG: john  
TG: im having a fucking annurysm

EB: that doesnt look right

TG: me having an anuhurismmmk?  
TG: i cant type john cause im actually dying  
TG: the nurses are screaming  
TG: how could such a talented kid die so soon?  
TG: didnt even get that make a wish foundation all over my bucketlist  
TG: do you know how much i wanted to have a rap off with will smith?  
TG: be aggressively featured in youtube rewind?  
TG: be on cake boss?

EB: who even watches cake boss?

TG: you will john  
TG: you will  
TG: as i lay here in this gnarly hospital bed youre going to let my ghost live on vicariously through you  
TG: cake boss is your new favorite show  
TG: you cant run from your responsibilities  
TG: as my best friend you gotta step up to the plate

EB: why cant rose or dirk do it?

TG: because theyre planning my mausoleum keep up 

EB: oh my god

TG: come on bro take the l  
TG: watch cake boss like youve never watched anything else before  
TG: snakes on a plane?  
TG: never heard of her  
TG: marvel stage 4?  
TG: cancelled

EB: does that count the loki show

TG: yeah, duh

EB: >:0  
EB: thats bullshit!  
EB: friendship goes two ways dave!  
EB: that means i get to watch the loki show and your ghost can get fucked!!!  
EB: im serious dont test me!!!!!!!

TG: i guess roxy could do it if you really dont wanna

EB: roxy wont be available

TG: what? why?

EB: because shell be too busy making out with me ;B

TG: hkbafhbkfbh;fdsafsdvbhjdsvbjk.sdfjdfsjk.hqijp  
TG: i hate you i hate you so fucking much god fucking damit

EB: you make it too easy!

TG: shut the fuck up  
TG: shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhut the fuck up  
TG: shut up  
TG: im hating you right now

EB: ill send you pictures

TG: thats it  
TG: im done  
TG: be in lincoln county nevada september 20  
TG: or earlier  
TG: idk just like clear all of septeber we havent really made any concrete plans yet

EB: ill ask my dad!

TG: you do that  
TG: im going to try and fail to recover from what youve done to me

EB: and take care of your arm too right?

TG: oh uh  
TG: yeah that too i guess  
TG: man what is up with people bringing up shit at the end of conversations?

EB: its a good time to bring shit up

TG: whatever you say egbro

EB: see ya dave!

TG: see ya

\--turntechGodhead [TG] has stopped pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:07:30 on 25/07/2019--

\------------  
Excerpt from "Controversially, Physicist Argues Time Is Real" by Clara Moskowitz on 26/04/2013 at 11:07 ET

_[Lee] Smolin said he hadn't come to this concept lightly. He started out thinking, as most physicists do, that time is subjective and illusory. According to Albert Einstein's theory of general relativity, time is just another dimension in space, traversable in either direction, and our human perception of moments passing steadily and sequentially is all in our heads._

_Over time, though, Smolin became convinced not only that time was real, but that this notion could be the key to understanding the laws of nature._

_"If laws are outside of time, then they're inexplicable," he said. "If law just simply is, there's no explanation. If we want to understand law … then law must evolve, law must change, law must be subject to time. Law then emerges from time and is subject to time rather than the reverse."_

_Smolin admitted there are objections to this idea, especially what he calls "the meta-law dilemma:" If physical laws are subject to time, and evolve over time, then there must be some larger law that guides their evolution._

**Notes in the margins: space, proved. time, not proved? must be for story #413_612 to work. lee smolin time player? mind? needs investigation**

\------------

Video Transcript <#02.04.4>

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

02.10 is seated at the interrogation table, hands bound and translator afixed. All is standard. Jim Madison (27) enters the room and sets up the audio recorder. Jim is relaxed. No reaction from 02.10.

Jim begins the interrogation, probing at 02.10's emotional reaction to 001.02's termination to make room for 02.02 in project ASPECT. 02.10 is readily agitated, static occuring in the audio after activation of electokinisis. The second and third static moments were accompanied by unfiltered alien dialect. Likely, 02.10's electrokinisis frying the translator while it yelled. [Linguists Report: Static likely to be about 'moirailegence', several instances of the words 'moirail superior mine' being heard after fiddling with the audio sufficiently.]

02.10 fires a concentrated blast through Jim Madison, who then falls to the floor.

The sedation team arrive in the room roughly ten seconds after, tranquilizing 02.10. 02.10 falls onto the table and is removed from the interrogation site. Minor force applied.

00:03:12 passes before Jim Madison (30) enters the room and retrieves his body for disposal.

END TRANSMISSION.  
\------------

\--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has started pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 17:52:14 on 29/07/2019--

****Intercepted on 29-07-2019 by F. M. Ghas AID<46881.4>****

TG: hey dirk

TT: Yes?

TG: can i call u? please?

TT: Of course, are you okay?

TG: ill b fine  
TG: just need to hear ur voice 4 a bit

\--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has stopped pestering timeaeusTestified [TT] at 17:54:00 on 29/07/2019--

Audio Transcript Recorded: Phone Call Between 06.12 and 08.04 at 17:54:03 on 29/07/2019  
<Designations: "ROXY LALONDE" & "DIRK STRIDER">

ROXY: Hey Dirk...

DIRK: Hey Roxy

AUDIO: *sniffing is heard*

DIRK: Roxy?  
DIRK: Are you sure you're alright?

ROXY: Tell me about your day.

DIRK: You didn't answer my question.

ROXY: Just tell me about your day, just tell me please, _dirk pleas-_

DIRK: Okay. Okay.  
DIRK: I was working on Hal. He wanted to try driving a roomba and I warned him about it. He didn't listen. So he was Haloomba for a good few hours there. I can send you the video I took of him being a giant moron cursing out walls and chairs and stuff for getting in the way. Roombas don't have eyes. Uhhhh, let's see...  
DIRK: Bought some plane tickets for the raid. Visited Dave, well, visiting, I'm still here. But I'm in the bathroom now, where all deep talks are required to happen.  
DIRK: Are you in a bathroom?

ROXY: I'm safe, yeah.

DIRK: Cool.

ROXY: What are you gonna do tonight?

DIRK: Don't know yet. I'm thinking of watching transformers: animated just because I haven't in a while. I'm going to maybe grab some hospital dinner first I think, eat with Dave, chill, you know. Later I'll probably head roof-ways and train a bit. I might do some stupid programming shit, crash on the couch, repeat. Same soup, just reheated.  
DIRK: How was your day?

ROXY: Whiskers.

DIRK: Okay.  
DIRK: My favorite transformer isn't Prowl. We have the same glasses, yeah, but he's got a giant stick up his ass- sorry, AFT- and has a weird nature kink. Not that I have any room to judge on kinks but like damn dude.  
DIRK: My favorite isn't Optimus Prime either. His face doesn't match his voice. It's like Jake's movie protagonist's chisled faces combined with his bad American accent. It's fucked.  
DIRK: Bumblebee is just constantly getting wrecked. If the writers ever need to make the stakes higher they just try to kill Bumblebee and there we go. Stakes are raised higher than a particularly vertically untroubled cow.  
DIRK: I like Bulkhead actually. Iron Giant looking motherfucker. He turns into that enlister truck that takes away Wendy's Husband in Peter Pan 2 and he has a wrecking ball hand for absolutely no reason. It's beautiful, and he's beautiful.  
DIRK: Not to mention that _thick, juicy, aaaaaaaft_.

AUDIO: *wet snort*

DIRK: Right?  
DIRK: Can you tell me what's up with you yet?  
DIRK: Do I have to tell you about how sexy Bulkhead is in more explicit detail?

ROXY: No, no, thank you.  
ROXY: I uh-

AUDIO: *snif*

ROXY: I told Janey that I liked her...

DIRK: And?

ROXY: She doesn't like me back, _oops_. Her words. She wasn't mean but like I really wish she had been because then I could move on lickety split and we could be bffs again but she was so fucking nice about it.  
ROXY: I just wanted her to yell at me or condemn me or just fucking-  
ROXY: I don't know...  
ROXY: She knows about the other thing too bee-tee-dubs.

DIRK: Oh.

ROXY: Yeah, oh.

DIRK: That wasn't-

ROXY: No it wasn't part of it.

DIRK: Okay.  
DIRK: I'm sorry, Roxy.

ROXY: It's okay.

DIRK: No, it's not. If it were okay you wouldn't be crying about it.

ROXY: Then thank you. For being you.

DIRK: You're welcome. I'm glad if I could help in any way.

ROXY: You did. You did.  
ROXY: I feel better. You're a good brother, okay?

DIRK: Thanks, Rox. You're a good sibling, too.

ROXY: I'm gonna go drown in blankets and video games and Rosie's scarves.

DIRK: Okay. I'll be awake all night, call if you need.

ROXY: I will. I love you.

DIRK: Love you too. Bye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tbh was going to name FM Ghas FM Ghastly but then I remembered that was a Pokemon so
> 
> sorry sollux...
> 
> These usually get released on Thursdays! See you on August 8th!


	3. AG==> Reach Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JOHN: Is there a point to all this or can I get back to enjoying PEAK COMEDY on my own?
> 
> JANE: Sorry not sorry, but yes I do need to talk with you.
> 
> JOHN: How serious is this talk?
> 
> JANE: So serious.

Audial Transcript of Security System<Designation "GOOGLE HOME">  
Location: Seattle, Washington <47°42'10.5"N 122°21'18.3"W>

Conversation between 01.07 & 05.09 <Designations: "JOHN EGBERT" & "JANE CROCKER">  
Provided by J. L. Madison AID<34589.2> on 30/07/2019 about recording taken on 29/07/2019 from 17:51:36 to 18:09:22

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

AUDIO: *knocking on wood, three raps*

JANE: Hey, John? Do you have a minute?

JOHN: Huh? Uh, yeah sure! Come on in.

JANE: Am I interrupting? Oh-

JOHN: What's that face for? It's just a tik tok compilation.

JANE: Buddy...

JOHN: Wha- Come on! Tik toks can be funny! Plus the effects are pretty cool!

JANE: _Buddy..._

JOHN: Arg! Stop criticizing me!  
JOHN: Is there a point to all this or can I get back to enjoying PEAK COMEDY on my own?

JANE: Sorry not sorry, but yes I do need to talk with you.

JOHN: How serious is this talk?

JANE: So serious.

JOHN: Oh boy. Should we have dad officiate or something?

JANE: I'd...rather not talk to dad about this.  
JANE: It's a bit embarrassing.

JOHN: Oh?

JANE: Put that face away, buster!

JOHN: What? This face?

JANE: You wily rascal! Listen up!

JOHN: I am listening up! I am!

JANE: Are you?

JOHN: Cross my heart and hope to die!

JANE: HMMMMMMMMM.  
JANE: Acceptable.  
JANE: Okay so-

JOHN: Wait...is this...?  
JOHN: _Girl_ problems?

JANE: John! Pipe down and let me tell you!

JOHN: Oh god it IS! Whatever it is I don't wanna know! Ask dad to buy more peroxide or something!

JANE: JOHN!!!

AUDIO: *soft impact sounds, likely pillow against body, heard repeatedly*

JOHN: Ahh!! I'm sorry! I take it back! Waugh!

AUDIO: *loud impact sound, likely body against floor*

JOHN: What did you do that for?!

JANE: You were being obnoxious!

JOHN: You didn't have to throw me off the bed!

JANE: Can it! I'm going to talk now and you can't stop me! So ripen those ear cannals of yours and zip it, mister!

JOHN: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Fiiiiiiiine.

JANE: Thank you!  
JANE: Okay so Roxy started pestering me about five minutes ago. And she told me that she liked me! I was very surprised! So surprised that I'm still kind of freaking out about it? You know that one Office with the fire episode? That's me right now. What's the procedure? STAY FUCKING CALM. What's the procedure, what's the procedure?  
JANE: How long has this been going on for? And how did I never see it!  
JANE: I tried to let her down easy, because she's my best friend and all, but I can't help but wonder if I should have just gone along with the whole thing. Maybe I'm just being weird and ooky and maybe Roxy and I would get on famously! I really don't know. This probably took a lot of courage, especially when she er, nevermind. I don't want Roxy to hate me but what if I made the wrong decision?  
JANE: Was this fate clapping me about the face and yelling at me to get in gear? I certainly don't *think* I like Roxy, but I don't know for sure! Am I just being paranoid? Should I ask Dirk? No. No not Dirk. Rose? It's hard to get a straight answer out of either but I trust Rose's more sapphic instincts in this matter.

JOHN: So why are you talking to me? Cause this sure sounds like girl problems.

JANE: _Because_ I want to spend more time with you and tell you things!

JOHN: If you wanna vent then just go for it.

JANE: I don't just want to vent, I want advice!  
JANE: Don't you have some silly youngster wisdom in that tangled heap of hair on your head?

JOHN: What do you want me to say! It's not like I've dated anyone before!  
JOHN: Just like, I dunno, be supportive? Don't just brush it aside? Be direct and honest and stuff?

JANE: Oh how very wise, I'd never considered.

JOHN: Hey, that's all my wisdom ever so take it or leave it.

AUDIO: *sigh*

JANE: I'll take it.

JOHN: Awesome.

-silence for 00:00:16-

JANE: But what if-

JOHN: OH MY GOD!  
JOHN: Just do something!  
JOHN: As someone who's been forced into shitty movie marathons with Dave, let me tell you, the most annoying trope is when the heroes won't say shit to each other! Miscommunication is dumb! And anyone who thinks dancing that dance is interesting is a lying bastard!  
JOHN: So stop saying 'oh what if oh no oh dearie me oh pllbbbttttt'!  
JOHN: In the ever wise words of Lord Shia-  
JOHN: JUST DO IT!!!!

JANE: Well.

JOHN: Well?

JANE: Well, shucks buster. You're right.  
JANE: Doesn't mean you get to yell at me, you doofus!

JOHN: Go! Go! Go!

JANE: Jesus Christ, John! I will!  
JANE: But first...  
JANE: Is there anything _you_ want to get off your chest?  
JANE: I'm your wonderful big sister and I can help you with anything.

JOHN: Uhhhh....  
JOHN: Not really?  
JOHN: I mean the shower's kinda cold at night so if you could take faster showers that'd be pretty nice.

JANE: Is that it?  
JANE: No unfolding drama?

JOHN: Drama is so...  
JOHN: _Dramatic_.  
JOHN: I'd just rather not.

JANE: That's completely fair.

JOHN: Well. Okay, I have been sitting on something for a while now.

JANE: Oh?

JOHN: It's just a me thing but like try not to judge me too hard?

JANE: I would never!

JOHN: Okay.  
JOHN: So y'know tik tok-?  
JOHN: Stop making that face whenever I bring it up!

JANE: Sorry! Continue.

JOHN: So anyways.  
JOHN: I was on tik tok and I made a video where it was basically smack cam but I ran up to the pool cashier ladies and sprayed them with canned cheese and then the video cut to me in a car with police sirens on and-

JANE: This was last month. I remember this!

JOHN: Yes, yes, last month, whatever. So I made that tik tok, right?  
JOHN: So someone commented: "lm8o i'm dyyyyyyyying!" Which was really fucking weird, right? So I asked Dirk- well, no, I asked Dave who asked Hal who asked Dirk but whatever- so I asked him to look up the IP and their location.  
JOHN: And he told me it was from the International Space Station? Somehow?  
JOHN: So some weird astronaut likes my tik toks now? What do I do with that information? It's been bugging me for like two whole weeks!

JANE: Wow that's...  
JANE: Really silly...

JOHN: Hey! You asked!

JANE: Mmhm.  
JANE: Okie-doke, well I'm done asking now.  
JANE: But come to me if something ever does happen, you got that you wily little monster?

JOHN: Augh! Hey! Watch it!

JANE: Oh please! Your hair is already mussed to the far reaches and back, a little more won't make a lick-a-difference!

JOHN: It's the principle of the thing!  
JOHN: Now shoo! Go take care of your girl problems!

JANE: Jesus, lord above. Whatever has the youth come to nowadays...

JOHN: Goooooooooooooooo!

AUDIO: *shuffling, muffled*

JANE: I'm going!

JOHN: Go_ faster_!

JANE: Hoo! Hoo!  
JANE: Bye Jooohn!

JOHN: Bye Jaaaaaaaane!

JANE: Bye Joooooooooooohn!

JOHN: Bye Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!

JANE: Bye Joooooooooooooooooooooooooohn!

AUDIO: *soft click, likely a door closing*

END TRANSMISSION  
\------------  
Medical Report  
Houstin Mercy Hospis and Pediatrics  
07/23/2019  
Practicing Doctor: Loraine Heeps  
Nurses Assisting: Nick James, Kim Nguyen, Eilis Brown

Patient Name: Dave Elizabeth Strider  
Date of Birth: December 3rd 2004  
Patient Sex: Male  
Parent/Guardian: <strike>Broderick Strider</strike> Roxanne Lalonde  
Visitation Given: Dirk Strider, Rose Lalonde, Roxy Lalonde

PHYSICIAN'S REPORT

DISEASE or CONDITION  
Fractured humorous, concussion, notable nutrition deficiancy.

DAYS OF TREATMENT  
2 days, 3 nights for the arm. 4 extra days for holding and establishing psychological state as well as necessary nutrition watch.

DIAGNOSIS  
Dave Strider was under an abusive guardian, arm was broken cleanly and with precision. Once treatment has been administered I recommend a therapist be appointed to both Dave Strider and Dirk Strider. Concussion and the nutrition deficiancy should cause minimal long term effects. Proceed with caution and care. Nurse Eilis has been tasked with one night watch to ensure the concussion does not worsen as he sleeps.  
\------------  
Caged Bird by Maya Angelou

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams

his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream

his wings are clipped and his feet are tied

so he opens his throat to sing

\------------

\--gardenGnostic [GG] has started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 16:48:42 on 09/07/2019--

****Intercepted on 13/07/2019 by F. M. Ghas AID<46881.4>****

GG: hey rose!!  
GG: i have a question for you if youve got the time

TT: For you?  
TT: Always.  
TT: Please, do go on.

GG: nice!!!!!  
GG: so have you seen that area 51 meme going around recently?

TT: Indeed I have.

GG: what if...  
GG: we all went together!!  
GG: im tired of skype and phone calls and these logs!  
GG: i just want to meet all of you in person already!!!!  
GG: so we should all try and raid the place together!

TT: My, that is quite the undertaking.  
TT: What makes you think we'll be successful?

GG: me and jake are really good with guns!  
GG: plus dirk and roxy are expert hackers!!!  
GG: john and jane could prank their way out of the white house lock box!!  
GG: and you and dave are so clever and smart no doubt youd figure out a way to get through everything!!!!!!!!!

TT: Oh, why thank you Jade. Your compliments do a number on a weathered soul.

GG: weathered soul??

TT: Forgive me, I'm trying out an emo phase.

GG: oh!!  
GG: cool!

TT: Nevertheless, this idea intrigues me. Certainly it would be a challenge. If, absolutely ridiculous, naturally.

GG: naturally

TT: I would like to see you in person as well as all our other lovely friend group members. Likely we would all go in pure jest and simply hang out in Nevada for a few days.  
TT: Something I am very unopposed to. One might even say I support the idea whole heartedly.  
TT: But what if, say, a sudden moral quandry appears?

GG: ooh!!!  
GG: what kind of moral quandry *eyebrow wiggles*??

TT: What if aliens were truly being held in Area 51 and were being terribly mistreated under the government's less than ideal care? Would we still break them out with the raid? Or let the entire thing slip back under the sheer silk blanket of meme culture to be burried and nostalgically referenced months in the future among the likes of darling Pepe and the far too young Vine?  
TT: What, perchance, would we do then? We certainly have a responsibility to this world. Parents, school, and the such. But this would be our chance to extend past all that and into protagonists.  
TT: Would we struggle and die for an unknowable cause? Or merely go on with life and pray that she yet be merciful?

GG: hmm...  
GG: we'd go and save the aliens of course!

TT: What leads you to that conclusion, Dr. Harley?

GG: well professor lalonde its because were all good people who make the right decision!  
GG: and clearly dying for a nobel cause  
GG: even if really really fucking stupid!  
GG: is the rightest decision we could make!!!

TT: I see, thank you for this input Dr. Harley.

GG: of course professor!

TT: Then count me in for this potential raid, certainly a good decision would feel nice as this wallowed and miserable husk shambles on with her life.

GG: hey now!!  
GG: that husk is one of my best friends so >:p

TT: Oh!  
TT: Dearest Harley you bring a flush to my face.

GG: and keep it there cause its pretty and you deserve to be pretty!

TT: Thank you.

GG: anytime!!!

TT: Good evening Dr. Harley.

GG: good day professor lalonde!!  
GG: are we still on for friday?

TT: Naturally. I wouldn't miss it for the world.

GG: sweet!  
GG: see you soon!!!!!!!!!!!

\--gardenGnostic [GG] has stopped pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 16:53:31 on 09/07/2019--

\------------

Excerpt from "What Is A Universe Really?" by Ian Simna on March 5th, 2011 on their blog "NamsDay"

_Dylan Berry says that there are four components to the universe. Water, fire, vinyl, and plastic. And to some degree I agree with him. However there must be more to life than rocking tunes and forest fires, right?_

_So I did a little digging and observing of my own. I decided that Mr. Berry isn't completely wrong, but he also isn't completely right either. Recent reports of deep space activity, when audio graphed and compressed into a PNG have shown millions of people just what the men in black have always feared. The universe is full of life and some of it really likes to swear. This makes sense right?_

_What doesn't make sense is how much we can understand of that swearing. Like, we've always fantasized that English was universal but here's evidence! Which is stupid. So maybe these aliens are just time travelers from the future or maybe a whole other universe entirely?_

_What if the universe is comprised of more large scale stuff, maybe 12 aspects to align with the zodiac. Hey, if deep space can say fuck then we might as well throw all reasoning out the window, yeah? So twelve things that make up the universe. Space, time, thought, water, life, death, energy, will, individuality, chance, love, and fire._

_Everything in our daily lives! If you like this theory make sure to reblog it and share on facebook, twitter, instagram, linkedin, myspace..._

\------------

\--arachnidsGrip [AG] has started trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at ??:??:?? on ??/??/2019--

****Intercepted on 12-06-2019 by H. E. Brooks AID<82715.1>****

AG: Hey shit pan.

CG: WELL, WELL, WELL. WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE.  
CG: IS THIS ANOTHER ADMISSION OF GUILT FROM THE SPIDER BITCH? HAS SHE FINALLY PULLED HER ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD OUT OF HER ASS?  
CG: DOTH MINE OWN GANDERBULBS LIE TO ME? DOTH MINE OWN PAN SUGGEST SUCH UTTER PREDISPOSITIONED EXPECTATIONS?  
CG: IS THIS TRULY A MESSAGE FROM ON YONDER? HATH GAMZEES WEIRD ASS FUCKING GODS PLUCKED ME STRAIGHT FROM MY OWN FUCKING HIVE TO GIVE ME A CRAPPY FAYGO SCENTED AWARD ENTITLED: "HEY KARKAT HERES THE SPIDER BITCH READY TO TELL YOU ABOUT YET ANOTHER BUMBLE SHE HAS GONE AND FUCKED STRAIGHT TO HELL AND NOW WANTS YOU TO FIX OUT OF SOME EGOTISTCAL NEED FOR SUPERIORITY CONGRATS YOU GET TO DEAL WITH IT."

AG: ONE time I fuck up.  
AG: Can you take your windy nonsense and just shove it for a 8it????????  
AG: Shove it straight up your dusty unused nook may8e?

CG: NO.  
CG: EITHER DEAL WITH MY SHITTY PERSONALITY LIKE THE REST OF US OR DIE YOU FUCKING OBTUSE SACK OF SAD BUMBLEFUCKS.

AG: I'd rather die than listen to your half-8aked "leadership" dri88les anyways.  
AG: 8ut since you're INSISTING on acting like the captain despite what little actual leaderly qualities you H8VE.  
AG: I thought you would LIKE to know that I found them. A few nights ago, even.

CG: WHAT?  
CG: WHY DIDN'T YOU ***OPEN*** WITH THAT???

AG: Who am I to interrupt your 8lowhole time?

CG: JEGUS FUCKING CHRIST VRISKA THERE IS LITERALLY ONLY ONE REASON WE ARE OUT IN SPACE. THERE IS ONE FUCKING REASON AND YOU DECIDE TO LET ME SPOUT BULLSHIT RATHER THAN ACTUALLY MOVE US ALONG ON OUR FUCKING MISSION.  
CG: BUT NO YOU JUST ***********HAD*********** TO MAKE IT CLEAR HOW MUCH YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE ACTUALLY GETTING ANYTHING DONE THAT DOESN'T DIRECTLY BENEFIT YOU.  
CG: THIS IS MONUMENTAL. WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO BE A PIECE OF SHIT ABOUT IT?  
CG: SERIOUSLY, TELL ME. I'M DOWNRIGHT ENTHRALLED AT THIS POINT IN THE VRISKA SAGA.  
CG: WHAT IN THE BLISTERING ASTRAL VOMIT OF A SOLAR SYSTEM COULD HAVE POSSIBLY SEDUCED YOU ENOUGH TO KEEP THIS FROM THE REST OF US FOR SO LONG  
CG: THE ANTICIPATION HAS REACHED THROUGH MY SCREEN AND IS PROCEEDING TO STRANGLE ME WITHIN AN INCH OF MY MISERABLE LIFE.  
CG: OH PLEASE VRISKA EASE THIS FUCKING BURDEN ON MY SHOULDERS. RID ME OF MY CURIOSITY. SATE MY INFERNAL DESIRES BEFORE I SELF DESTRUCT UNDER THE PRESSURE OF THESE NEFARIOUS CLAWS WRAPPED AROUND MY WIND PIPE.  
CG: GO ON, THEN.

AG: You done?

CG: IS THAT A CHALLENGE?

AG: 8GH N8!!!!!!!!  
AG: I found John. He was making a stupid video on some video sharing site so I dropped him a fun little message.  
AG: 8ecause I have initiative and know how to get! Shit! Done!!!!!!!

CG: GREAT SO YOU FOUND JOHN.  
CG: WHAT ABOUT THE OTHERS?

AG: How many times will I have to tell you to cool your fucking jets!  
AG: Everyone else is there too.  
AG: Not on the we8site unfortunately.  
AG: 8ut 8ecause I'm just that good, I found them anyways. Probably why I took the extra time to be TH8ROUGH? HMMMMM????????  
AG: You can start thanking me any day now fyi.

CG: YOU FOUND DAVE?  
CG: AND YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY SURE?

AG: DUH.  
AG: Now stop yelling at me and get your ass in gear!  
AG: I, for one, want to get the 8and 8ack together as soon as fucking possi8le.

CG: HOLY SHIT.

AG: I know.  
AG: Feel free to appreci8 me for the next ten sweeps.

CG: THANKS VRISKA.  
CG: OH, GAG, I'LL NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN.  
CG: FOR ONCE YOU'VE PROVED SOME COMPETENCE.  
CG: GET EVERYONE ON THE MAIN DECK IT'S TIME WE LAND THIS FUCKING DISASTER OF A SHIP.

AG: Do it yourself, l8ser!

CG: VRISKA GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.  
CG: DON'T YOU DARE CLOSE OUT ON ME BEFORE I CAN CHEW YOU OUT.

\--arachnidsGrip [AG] has stopped trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at ??:??:?? on ??/??/2019--

\------------  
_Where I go, will you still follow?_  
_Will you leave your shaded hollow?_  
_Will you greet the daylight looming,_  
_Learn to love without consuming?_  
_(Thus Always To Tyrants, The Oh Hellos)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So august 8th was fucking lie.
> 
> I swear I do actually have a schedule I'm following, but I'm just too excited to wait!
> 
> https://imgur.com/a/7UIws6J  
^ Here's a really shitty doodle of John's tik tok


	4. TG ==> puzzle it over bb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TG: john choose your last words very carefully
> 
> EB: eat shit dave!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I post on Tuesdays. A shorter chapter, sorry.

INCIDENT REPORT

Officer: James Aregbe  
Offender: John Egbert  
Location: Inclade Public Aquatic Center & Pool  
Date: June 8th, 2019

Description of Events: John attacked employees of the Aquatic Center with spray cheese on video for a Tik Tok. The video can be seen here: https://bit.ly/IqT6zt

John did not deny guilt and waited in holding for his family to come and pick him up. A fine of $250 was issued to the family.  
\------------

\--turntechGodhead [TG] has opened memo "shit lets raid area 51" on 31/07/2019 at 09:21:00--  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] has invited tentacleTherapist [TT], timaeusTestified [TT], tipsyGnostalgic [TG], ectoBiologist [EB], gardenGnostic [GG], gustyGumshoe [GG], golgothasTerror [GT], and hyperawareLegume [HAL] to chat--

****Intercepted on 31-07-2019 by J. L. Madison AID<34589.2>****

TG: sup my dudes

TT: Good, you're awake. We need to get groceries today. Come on out when you're ready to go.

TG: .........  
TG: bruh  
TG: read chat names smfh  
TG: i dont need my best friends knowing about groceries

TT: Why not? Are you embarassed about eating, Dave?  
TT: Perhaps you don't want them knowing about your preference for four-ply toilet paper?  
TT: Or maybe this is about all the time you spend poking at the lobsters.

TG: dirk oh my fucking god i am going to strangle you with your old kneesocks

GG: dont worry dave!!  
GG: i like playing with the lobsters too!!!!

TG: thanks harley

TT: See, you had nothing to fear.

EB: hahahahahahahahaha!

TG: you speak too soon traitor

TT: Whoops.

EB: thats so adorable!  
EB: little davey wavey likes to play with the lobster tank awwwww

TG: dirk i blame you

TT: Valid.

GG: so why did you make this memo?

TG: hold up  
TG: we gotta wait for everyone to be on for this

GG: why?

EB: why?

GG: jinx!!!!

EB: no! FUCK! >:O

TG: cause this is all very important information and i dont wanna say it all over again  
TG: or like make people scroll 5ever just to get on the same page  
TG: its just easier for everyone

TG: that makes sense!

TG: thanks rox

GG: jake is out hunting the mail so he wont be on for a while :p

EB: jane is being dumb!

TG: idk where rosie is

TG: mm  
TG: mmhm  
TG: okay so this is not ideal

TT: I'm sure our friends can pass on a simple message.

TG: i mean  
TG: i guess

HAL: I'm taking notes to send to everyone after we're done.  
HAL: Why? Because I'm amazing and deserve praise. Also because no one else was going to do it.

TG: thanks hal

HAL: (▰˘◡˘▰)

TG: aight cool so lets get down to business  
TG: plane tickets

TT: Handled.  
TT: For everyone.

TG: wh  
TG: when did you do that and with what money

TG: mom helped ;p

GG: can you thank her for me?

TG: yea sure!

GG: sweet! thanks!

TG: np jade!!

EB: wait so like everyone???

TT: Everyone.

EB: when?

TT: Depends. You and Jane are leaving September 15th. Jade and Jake are leaving September 12th. Dave and I are leaving on the 15th as well, while Rose and Roxy are leaving the 14th.

EB: holy balls

TT: I know.

TG: okay what about a hotel?

TG: ooh! i took care of that one!  
TG: i rented out five good rooms all with double beds  
TG: the hotel has a water slide AND a sauna!

GG: wow!!!!!!

HAL: Damn.

TG: also we get a continental breakfast every day were there so bonus!

EB: isnt that like hotel standard though?

TG: idk ive never stayed in a hotel before

TG: yeah its pretty much the standard but its still a sweet deal

TG: uwu thxxxxx

EB: wait what about school?

TT: What about it?

EB: we still have to go to it right?  
EB: no way my dad will let me and jane just skip a whole week to dick around in nevada!

TG: you could always lie

EB: no!!! dave what the fuck!!

TG: what?  
TG: its a good suggestion

GG: is there a holiday on the 15th?

HAL: Not yet.

EB: huh?

GG: huh?

EB: JINX!

GG: jinx!!  
GG: damn it!!

EB: ha HAH!

HAL: I'm also working on clearing your schedule for the 15th and onwards. If your dad still wants you to get an education I can set up some online classes while we're there.

TG: ha ha john gets homework

EB: wait

TG: cmon john lets go raid area 51 and meet some aliens  
TG: oh wait

EB: dave no

TG: you need to finish your algebra homework first?  
TG: damn ok no aliens for you  
TG: keep the hotel room warm for us bro

EB: dave

TG: be the mamma egg for the hotel room  
TG: pop a squat right over the radiator and clench  
TG: clench  
TG: even harder john keep on clenching

EB: dave

TG: boom theres the momma heat all over the room now  
TG: how toasty  
TG: how comfortable  
TG: its like being swaddled in love and care thank god you missed out on all the fun john you just made this room the perfect temp for our new alien buddies they all love you john  
TG: oh shit theyre imprinting

EB: dave please

TG: you are the momma alien bird it is you

TT: Dave.

TG: yeah?

TT: Please focus.

TG: kk  
TG: so before we get even more caried away

EB: speak for yourself

TG: shhhh adults are talking

GG: he he he he he!

EB: ughhhhhhhh

TG: so anyways  
TG: are we absolutely sure there are actual aliens in area 51  
TG: before we all get arrested or like shot  
TG: or even worse we waste all that money for nothing

GG: it wouldnt be for nothing!!  
GG: wed finally be meeting up  
GG: thats gotta count for at least 3/4 of this whole thing!

TG: damn youre right harley

GG: of course i am ;0

TG: dont worry ab that either!  
TG: me n dirk have been working on combing thru their outgoing messages

TG: youve been hacking area 51s mainframe?

TT: Please, Dave, you know that's not how that works.

EB: its not?

TT: No.

GG: then whats it like?????????

TT: Do you want to explain or should I?

TG: i can do it!

TT: Take it away.

TG: thx!  
TG: so what we wanna do is get into the stuff they thinks is supes important ie whatever theyre sendin out of the base  
TG: the easiest way to do this is to bust into their cloud storage but its the gov so they have a wicked gnarly vpn  
TG: but not just any vpn  
TG: an ethernet vpn  
TG: super tricky  
TG: to get inbto those you gotta have a com on site and hooked up  
TG: p fuckin difficult for most humans  
TG: but we got hal B)

HAL: Hell yeah you do. Up top *high fives*

TG: hell yea *high fives*  
TG: sp hally zipped on over and got us access so we could see their email chains  
TG: we dont need to go any deeper than that rlly  
TG: weve got the files stored on harddrive n me n dirk r gonna video call ab em later tonight see whats important and whats not  
TG: be cool and classy haxor spies hehehe

TT: Damn straight.

TG: gay*

TT: Damn gay.

GG: woooooaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

EB: wow

TG: okay thats cool  
TG: so well get answers to that question in a couple days  
TG: are there any other questions?

GG: are there? :o

TG: i dont think so?  
TG: probably not

EB: ive got one!

TG: no you dont

EB: you cant stop me!

TG: i can and i will

EB: with what?

TG: fuckin  
TG: uh  
TG: deez nuts

EB: youll have to try harder than that sucker!!  
EB: hey roxy!

TG: yea?

TG: fuck

EB: youre cute ;B

TG: oh!  
TG: thanks john!  
TG: youre p cute too

EB: thanks roxy!

TG: john choose your last words very carefully

EB: eat shit dave!

\--ectoBiologist [EB] has left the memo at 9:47:06 on 31/07/2019--

TG: hhhhhhhohmygoddddddddddddddddddddddddydddsymsysryrdukfytfmmdtynfreshsettrstydmfu,ygiuotdisryzrwHACrts7fi;PiydjteAjeats

TT: That's a long keyboard smash.

TG: no  
TG: really

HAL: Woah! The sarcasm meters are off the charts!

TG: i think we got a case of angsty teen!

TT: I agree. One angsty teen is definitly in this memo.

TG: jade back me up here

GG: sorry dave i dont help angsty teens!

TG: well  
TG: fuck  
TG: goodnight

GG: but its 9 am isnt it????

TG: only if you slept

TT: Dave.

TG: peace

\--turntechGodhead [TG] has left the memo at 9:49:22 on 31/07/2019--

\------------  
Crossing The Water by Sylvia Plath

Black lake, black boat, two black, cut-paper people.  
Where do the black trees go that drink here?  
Their shadows must cover Canada.

A little light is filtering from the water flowers.  
Their leaves do not wish us to hurry:  
They are round and flat and full of dark advice.

Cold worlds shake from the oar.  
The spirit of blackness is in us, it is in the fishes.  
A snag is lifting a valedictory, pale hand;

Stars open among the lilies.  
Are you not blinded by such expressionless sirens?  
This is the silence of astounded souls.  
\------------

"Audio Record #69.69.69 on HAL SECURE SKAIA NET"

>__DSO: Hal change the file name.

>__HAL: No it's perfect

>__DSO: Fine. Keep this one under wraps. No more glitches.

>__HAL: Yes your majesty  
>__HAL: FMG you better not start shit over this file

>__FMG: intl<loop>e_fileshare.name#69.69.69</loop>

>__HAL: Nope  
>__HAL: <null>user_FMG//commands</null>

>__FMG: intl<key>user//main//com_HAL.opensequence#alpha</key>

>__HAL: 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011  
>__HAL: int.seq-open filename#69.69.69 user:FMG

>__FMG: intl<loop>e_wipetext.00.01.00</loop>

>__HAL: WIPE IN PROGRESS........5 SECONDS REMAINING

Audio Transcript Recorded: Skype Call Between 06.12 & 08.04 at 20:21:49 on 31/07/2019  
Taken from HAL SSN by Fionna M. Ghas AID<46881.4>  
<Designations: "ROXY LALONDE" & "DIRK STRIDER">

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

ROXY: Sup DiStri?

DIRK: Sup with you RoLal?

ROXY: Got some instant noodles on hand, bonus tonight though! Rose made me some tea, she said it helps with getting sleepy!

DIRK: That's wholesome as fuck.  
DIRK: Before we crack into the shit have you noticed the weird pings?

ROXY: Elaaaaborate please.

DIRK: Whenever we open a chat there's a short second where I've seen a third party join. There's no trace of anyone else actually in the chat but Hal said he noticed echo pings whenever we sent something.  
DIRK: I was wondering if you've seen anything or if I'm just hallucinating again.

ROXY: Would Hal really try and prank you with that sort of thing though?

DIRK: Why not. He's got the emotional maturity of me circa 4 years ago. Bet he still things the number 69 is funny.

ROXY: Give him some credit, please.

DIRK: Hmm. I'll think about it.

ROXY: Mkay, well, I'm lookin' over stuff right now aaaaand hmm...

DIRK: Good hmm?

ROXY: It's some kinda hmm that's for sure.  
ROXY: I'm seeing...somethin...I have no idea what the fuck it is but like it's there.

DIRK: What is it?

ROXY: It's a line of code.

DIRK: Just one?

ROXY: Yeah, the only reason I can tell is 'cause they're using the Intel Core admin designation instead of my usual vanilla HTML. Which is super weird? My processor shouldn't be adding shit to my chat archive.

DIRK: That is weird.

ROXY: Yeah. It doesn't look like it's doing anything? But who knows.

DIRK: Hal said it was some sort of glitch when we were talking about it.

ROXY: Well he would know, right?

DIRK: Right.  
DIRK: Anyways. Which files did you pick apart today?

ROXY: I picked files 004.01.08 through 010.04.06, it was just four files but they were all super degraded. I'm pretty sure they're profiles of some kind.  
ROXY: You?

DIRK: I went through general files, recipts, resource orders, shift schedules, pay period, all that stuff.  
DIRK: I noticed three people in particular are very important at that base.  
DIRK: No names, yet, but I also found a helpful cheatsheet with some designation codes. They're related to single keywords, probably some kind of governement thing. They're all fairly abstract though, so I have no fucking clue what they relate to.

ROXY: Oh? Give me the sheet!

DIRK: Mm. Sending.

ROXY: Cool.  
ROXY: Okay, what do we have here?  
ROXY: Space, .01. Time, .02. Mind, .03. Heart, .04...  
ROXY: Dirk...  
ROXY: This makes no sense...  
ROXY: Hold on, let me apply them to the files I picked through.  
ROXY: Do you know where these designations go?

DIRK: The very end, I think.

ROXY: Alright. Then we've got 004.01.08, Blood. 003.02.10, Doom. 007.03.03, Mind. 010.04.06, Rage.  
ROXY: Mmmmmmmnope still confused.

DIRK: Well, we should make a note of it anyways.

ROXY: 'Kay, I'm jottin' it down on my handy dandy notebook.

DIRK: No fridge magnets tonight?

ROXY: Oh please.  
ROXY: Rose stole all the b's I can't make any good sentence without my b's!  
ROXY: What's your excuse?

DIRK: No magnets in the first place.

ROXY: A good excuse.

DIRK: Of course it is.

ROXY: What next? We've practically picked this entire drive clean.

DIRK: Not sure yet. I might send Hal back in, see if he can pick up any more juicy bits for us to investigate.

ROXY: Oh! Maybe we should ask Jane what to do!

DIRK: Aren't you still...? Y'know?

ROXY: We talked it over some more and I think we're cool. I mean, she's still avoiding me, but if you ask I'm sure it'll work out!

DIRK: That doesn't sound cool.

ROXY: Yeah, well, it is.

DIRK: Okay.

-silence for 00:00:12-

DIRK: I like your haircut by the way. It suits you.

ROXY: Thanks, I didn't know what to think at first but having it shaved mostly off is uh.  
ROXY: I dunno, freeing?

DIRK: I get that. Should we call it a night?

ROXY: Nah, not yet. I've still gotta finish showing you pigs in space! Muppets is still cool with you right?

DIRK: Jim Henson is a god among men.

ROXY: I'll take that as a yes!

DIRK: Yes. I've got time to watch Muppets tonight. Tomorrow the hospital appoints me and Dave a therapist.

ROXY: Is that good?

DIRK: Probably. If there's anyone who could use therapy for both themselves and others' sakes it's me.

ROXY: Okay well step one!  
ROXY: Stop putting yourself down like that!  
ROXY: Sugar coat shit even if it's only one tiny small things among the bad. You gotta dock the ship before the crew can start repairs.  
ROXY: Oh! And journal!

DIRK: Thanks for the advice, Rox.

ROXY: I got it from Rose.

DIRK: Then tell her I love her next time you see her for me.

ROXY: Will do!  
ROXY: She loves you too.

DIRK: Oh thank god. Whatever would I have done without her reciprocated familial love.

ROXY: Hush up, you dork! I've got the Muppets ready. Tell me when.

DIRK: When.

END TRANSMISSION  
\------------

File 010.04.06

Name: G M  
Aspect: Rage  
AAID<04.06>

Interrogations: FAILED  
Status: SUBDUED  
Incidents: FOURTEEN  
Reaction to ASPECT: Destruction, Unending Stamina  
Block: Henry

  
File 007.03.03

Name: T P  
Aspect: Mind  
AAID<03.03>

Interrogations: INCONCLUSIVE  
Status: HEALTHY  
Incidents: TWO  
Reaction to ASPECT: Heightened Sight, Knowledge of Future Events- Unproven  
Block: Henry

  
File 003.02.10

Name: S C  
Aspect: Doom  
AAID<02.10>

Interrogations: SUCCESSFUL  
Edit: FAILED 07/30/2019  
Status: HEALTHY  
Incidents: ONE  
Reaction to ASPECT: Hears Voices of the Newly Dead, Electrokinisis- Unproven  
Block: Medina

  
File 004.01.08

Name: K V  
Aspect: Blood  
AAID<01.08>

Interrogations: SUCCESSFUL  
Status: SUBDUED  
Incidents: SEVEN  
Reaction to ASPECT: Manipulation- Active, Empathy  
Block: Henry  
\------------  
_If you're something more than flesh_  
_Ascended_  
_And you've taken on the rest_  
_To end it_  
_Then she'll find you in a dream_  
_Tormented_  
_Godhunter's gonna hunt you down_  
_(Godhunter, by The Aviators)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ROXY CHAPTER!!!
> 
> Shoutout to apocalypticTaco for that one Dirk line 0;
> 
> I have no idea how to actually hack places, this is all pulled straight out of my limited HTML knowledge. I do know how to deal with ethernet VPNs but that's only cause I have to use one. To any and all actual computer whiz people, feel free to yell at me in the comments. 
> 
> In case anyone was confused, that interaction between Hal and FMG ended with Hal wiping his records clean of all messages after "you better not start shit over this file".


	5. GG ==> Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GT: Well youre in luck! Lunch is here with me say hi lunch!  
GT: *it says hi real sweetly* 
> 
> GG: hi lunch!!

You don't remeber sliping out of your dreams. They had been filled with musical flower fields all dyed soft pink, baby blue, and duckling fluff yellow. Every step, every petal crushed underfoot, let loose a gentle note into the air.

You had been running, hair practically floating with how fast your legs had taken you through the fields. Song danced inside your bones. Your cheeks hurt from your smile, and your legs ached in that well-used way they always do during a run. A burn that builds slowly into refreshing agony.

You had just reached the cliff. A sheer drop into the soft velvet void. Off the cliff there were never stars, never a bottom in sight, just the endless void calling out to you with whispers that curled around your spine. You never liked getting to the cliff, but nevertheless that's where your flower dreams always take you.

You had been staring, the melody seeping away as a chill replaced it. It was like melting in reverse, a cold that would drip and roll down your body. The voices were there again. Reminding you how easy it would be to let go. That there was power, hope, at the very bottom. Just one step, just one, and you would be whole again.

You never like to admit it, but the voice from the void is your own. Maybe a little older, maybe a little more worn, but recognizable all the same.

You had just been at the cliffs when all of a sudden you're blinking.

You're laying in your greenhouse, plants hefted on dirt encrusted tables. You must have fallen asleep again.

You spare a glance out the large paned windows of your greenhouse and pause.

The sky is dark. Stained blackberry purple. Wind shrieks in your ears even though the windows are closed. Rain pounds at the glass, begging for entry. Hungry clouds loom right at your eye level. They growl thunder and spit lightning that burns your eyes.

You do not look away.

Something is stirring in your gut. Some base reaction you can't place.

The lightning starts to flash a vibrant intense green. You should be moving, but you haven't. Not yet.

You blink. And everything is sunshine.

You dare to blink again and the storm is back, raging harder than ever. It hurts. You, hurt. The ache in your legs turns sharp and unforgiving. You feel rooted to the spot as the storm shakes your tower. You stay, locked in a ball on your side.

The wind is yelling. You can just barely make it out.

"Let me in!" It screams. "Let me in! Let me in!"

You close your eyes tight, shaking your head quickly. When you open them it's saccharine skies and birdsong as far as the eye can see. You let out a quick, hurried breath. You sit up with tingling arms and a surprisingly light head. You feel like there should be something more up there. You're not sure what that was. Maybe it was just a side effect of your dreams. Maybe it's more. You don't know.

Your name is Jade Harley, and you need to talk to your brother.  
\------------  
Internal Report--Provided by Senior Analyst and RECON-S Active Harrison E. Brooks AID<82715.1>

Time: 16:00:00 on 29/6/2019 tlv: 90012

Audio Interrogation Report #2 with AAID<01.08> designation: "KARKAT VANTAS"  
\------------

HEB: Good evening.

01.08: Mmhm.

HEB: How have you been over the past seven days?

01.08: Are you asking for a review with a star based rating? Or is this all just some fucked up way of being polite in this backwards ass situation?

HEB: A review would certainly be entertaining if you have the time.

01.08: Do you? I will gladly go on for hours, you know.

HEB: If that's what it takes.

01.08: What the fuck kind of sentence was that? If that's what it takes, newsflash you damp footcloth! You aren't the one handcuffed to a fucking table!

HEB: True, but I hear your rants can be a harrowing thing to live through.

01.08: Oh yeah? And who the fuck did you hear that from? Was it Terezi? Because she's fucking with you, our banter is legendary. So legendary in fact that if any of your puny human civilizations were to document the entire thing there wouldn't be enough stone slab messily slapped together to contain all our interactions in deep enough detail! You literally couldn't fucking do it!

HEB: It was Fionna, actually. Your previous interrogator. She would have been better suited to your Aspect but here we are.

01.08: I knew she was weak willed the moment she stepped in the room. It was the scent of insecurity and cowardice. It's like a shitty perfume the merchants spray directly into your bulb sockets without even considering your personal opinions on the matter first. It's such an obnoxious scent that it stays in your mouth for the rest of your trip out and you just can't get rid of it! It fucks itself deep into your olfactory sponge clots and suddenly that's all you can smell all fucking night. I think I smell the same thing on you, actually.

HEB: I see.  
HEB: Let's get started then, shall we.

01.08: You didn't even get to hear my absolutely scathing review yet.

HEB: I changed my mind.  
HEB: And that wasn't a question.

01.08: What the fuck ever.

HEB: Name?

01.08: Karkat Vantas.

HEB: Age?

01.08: Seven sweeps, I think.

HEB: Think?

01.08: I was travelling for a long time without a very good clock so yeah, I'm pretty fucking sure I'm seven now but who's to really say! Maybe I'm eight or maybe I'm still six! I don't fucking know!

HEB: You didn't have a clock on your ship?

01.08: Ship? What? No.  
01.08: I did ask our resident time guy maybe once half way through but that just ended with a very intense debate about acid rain and I never even got my stupid answer so it's not exactly worth mentioning.

HEB: Who was this resident time guy?

01.08: The most annoying egotistical dork this side of the universe.

HEB: I see.  
HEB: What is your purpose upon landing on this planet?

01.08: Fuck if I know! We literally just got here and then you guys showed up and went and fucked things over so massively you might as well be hatemancing the pants off of any random alien to even fucking blink in your vague direction! We didn't exactly come up with a grounbreaking plan for when we actually got here.  
01.08: You can thank past me for that glorious slip in judgement!

HEB: Why didn't you make a plan?

01.08: We were kind of in a hurry, if you hadn't gotten your pretty blue ganderbulbs properly fixated on this entire situation here! Do you need glasses to finally match that weird prissy fluffy ascot thing you're trying to choke yourself with?

HEB: It's called a cravat, actually.

01.08: Do I look like I care?

HEB: Do you?

01.08: Augh!  
01.08: Okay mister-too-proud-to-admit-he's-got-his-head-parked-squarely-under-his-gaping-anal-sphincter-geared-up-and-ready-to-soak-up-all-that-noxious-flatulence-spewed-from-his-own-shitty-diet-of-tiny-unfulfilling-fancy-meals  
01.08: Let me ask you a question for a change!

HEB: That seems only fair. Ask away.

01.08: What the fuck do you even need us for! We aren't exactly the most interesting species in the galaxy if you hadn't noticed!

HEB: Why, Karkat, isn't it obvious?  
HEB: It's Blood.  
HEB: Your connection to it anyways.

01.08: What?

HEB: I think that's all the time we have for today. I'll see you in a week.

01.08 is silent from this point on.

\------------  
Excerpt from The Song of the Happy Shepherd by William Butler Yeats

I must be gone: there is a grave  
Where daffodil and lily wave,  
And I would please the hapless faun,  
Buried under the sleepy ground,  
With mirthful songs before the dawn.  
His shouting days with mirth were crowned;  
And still I dream he treads the lawn,  
Walking ghostly in the dew,  
Pierced by my glad singing through,  
My songs of old earth's dreamy youth:  
But ah! she dreams not now; dream thou!  
For fair are poppies on the brow:  
Dream, dream, for this is also sooth.  
\------------

\--gardenGnostic [GG] has started pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 12:56:43 on 06/08/2019--

****Intercepted on 07/08/2019 by J. L. Madison AID<34589.2>****

GG: hey um jake???  
GG: are you done with hunting yet?

GT: Just abouts!  
GT: Im heading back with treasure abound as we speak!  
GT: Is something the matter jade?

GG: i guess?  
GG: its kinda hard to explain

GT: Well lets give it the ol college try at least eh?  
GT: Go on and just chat for a spill i promise not to interrupt until youre done!

GG: okay thanks  
GG: i think i fell asleep in the greenhouse again  
GG: which isnt exactly surprising or anything! its a great place for a nap!!!  
GG: but i dont ever really remember falling asleep?  
GG: again not the biggest mystery but still pretty weird if you ask me!  
GG: so i was dreaming as people tend to do when they nap and i was in the flower fields  
GG: have i told you about those?

GT: The musical ones?

GG: yeah!!

GT: Yes you have.

GG: oh nice ok  
GG: so i was just at the cliff but then things got really weird!  
GG: i was awake? or i was seeing the greenhouse from where i was on the floor  
GG: and it was storming super hard! the sky was all dark purple and black and full of these giant fuck-off clouds and the wind was blowing and yelling at me and it was just awful!

GT: That sounds terrible! Are you okay?

GG: yeah im fine!!  
GG: just a little shaken i guess??  
GG: the lightning started flashing green and i felt so weird.....

GT: What sort of weird?

GG: its hard to describe? like im supposed to be doing something  
GG: moving or changing or something?  
GG: anything but staying still

GT: Are you quite sure youre alright?  
GT: This all sounds rightly terrifying and its plenty okay to admit when things are scary!

GG: i know!!  
GG: but i dont think i was scared?  
GG: it was definintely surprising! i was super surprised!  
GG: but i dunno i guess it wasnt all that scary??????  
GG: augh! im not saying this right!

GT: Well, erm, i cant say i really get where youre coming from here jade but youre the brightest young lass ive ever known!  
GT: You say something is something then sakes alive it sure is!  
GT: I believe in you with all my heart, so now i suppose all you really need to answer is what you want to do moving on forwards.

GG: i guess???  
GG: i do want to know what this all means or if its tied to something but i also just want to have lunch with pumpkin juice!!

GT: Well youre in luck! Lunch is here with me say hi lunch!  
GT: *it says hi real sweetly*

GG: hi lunch!!  
GG: ok im on my way down  
GG: can we talk about this some more face to face??

GT: Im ashamed you even had to ask!

GG: pshhhhh ok  
GG: should i bring the journal??

GT: Dont see why not. Ill pull up some helpful wikis to pour over.

GG: ok!!  
GG: lets eat already!!!!!!

GT: Get down here you wild thing! Bec is already hounding his bowl so you better hurry!

GG: oh no!!!!  
GG: im coming!!!!

\--gardenGnostic [GG] has stopped pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 13:02:11 on 06/08/2019--

\------------

Audio File Recorded: Conference Call with Aspect Team at 17:00:00 on 08/08/2019

Jim Lee Madison AID<34589.2> Recon-Time Viewer  
Fionna May Ghas AID<46881.4> Recon-Heart Viewer  
Harrison Elias Brooks AID<82715.1> Recon-Space Active  
\--

JLM: -gin Recording.

FMG: How old are you now, Jim?  
FMG: Just out of curiosity.

JLM: Fourty seven.

HEB: At this rate you'll be well into your hundred's before the kids even step foot in Nevada.

JLM: Yes, I'm aware.  
JLM: I'll probably die late August. I think I used Time a bit too sloppily.  
JLM: I'm really not sure how to feel about this whole thing, but we'll need someone to replace me. We should probably talk about that during tonight's meeting.

HEB: You got family?

JLM: No.

HEB: Then feel proud. You're helping a cause.

FMG: I'll add your suggestion to the agenda.

JLM: Thank you.

FMG: Of course. Tonight we will discuss what we've learned through the aliens, and what to expect of the kids as the time draws near. We will also discuss future replacements, as per Jim's request, and I suggest we go over a breif profile of which kids to stress monitorization.

HEB: Sounds like a decent agenda.

JLM: Let's get started then.  
JLM: Have we learned anything new regarding the aspects of the universe?

HEB: That one girl finally croaked, right?

FMG: That's right. 001.02, Aradia Megido, seven sweeps, Time. She was the denizen of her aspect until 02.02, Dave Strider, fourteen, appeared on our radar. Our running theory is that only one set of twelve may truly weild an aspect at any given time.  
FMG: Ms. Toureum reported that Aradia seemed to be losing health and energy over time, likely starting after contact with the planet.

JLM: A shame, really.

HEB: Is it though? She was very uncooperative.

FMG: Nevertheless evidence of this theory is mounting, especially with all the newly reopened injuries the aliens are suffering from.

JLM: What?

HEB: Oh, you haven't heard? A bunch of the aliens just keeled over one day with blood going absolutely everywhere. The only ones unaffected?

JLM: Right, the four, of course.

HEB: You should have seen it, one of them nearly split straight in two.

JLM: No shit?

FMG: It was quite grizzly. On the bright side we acchieved a lot of samples that day.

JLM: Oh, that is good.

FMG: So with the shift of powers from the aliens to the kids we can expect the more destructive aspects to show up first. Though...

HEB: Though what?

FMG: Though recently the Space kid has been more active than anyone else. Which really doesn't make sense since space is a passive aspect as far as we know.

JLM: She's probably just really connected with her aspect then.

FMG: Hmm, maybe.  
FMG: Anyways we should expect Space, Time, and Void should recieve power sooner rather than later.  
FMG: All of these are...rather hard to moniter.

HEB: What do you mean?

FMG: Well, Heart and Time have the HAL Unit encrypting most of their apartment security. Their phones and computers are easy enough but any evidence away from those is incredibly hard to acquire without leaving balnk spots in the Unit's memory.  
FMG: Light and Void are very hard to get ahold of, even without the interference from Skaia Net Systems.  
FMG: Space and Hope don't have any standard phone or computer, and their only security system seems to be a dog. We can only monitor them through pesterchum.  
FMG: Ironically the only two we can properly monitor are the least relevent. Breath and Life, most likely the least important to anything in the project.

HEB: So...what. We keep looking through pesterchum messages? Doesn't sound too bad, they spill everything there anyways.

FMG: The most important people we should be looking at are otherwise unreachable.

JLM: So? Where are you going with this?

FMG: I'm just saying we should pay more attention to Jade, Roxy, and Dave. Despite the difficulty.

HEB: That's your job so. Do what you want.

FMG: Well fine then. Anyways. Replacements. Do you have anyone in mind?

JLM: One, actually. Bianca Mihalovich, she's very dedicated. I think she would handle an Aspect well.

HEB: Which one is she?

JLM: Don't know yet. Maybe Doom, maybe Time, we can't be sure until afterwards.

FMG: Give her some logs to report, just to test the waters.

JLM: That's a good idea.  
JLM: Is that everything?

HEB: Yeah.

FMG: I have no further comments.

JLM: Awesome. I'm going out for coffee.

HEB: Let me join you.

FMG: We should just all go.

JLM: Alright, then. End Recording.

\------------

When you sleep again you try and close your eyes first. You see something flashing beyond your eyelids. It's itching for you to take a peek. You really want to. Maybe you'll finally see something that would help solve this mystery still clanging around in your head.

You keep your eyes closed though, turning over in your bed and pulling a pillow over your face. You don't want to see the flashes. You don't want to be motionless again. You don't want to growl at nothing and be tempted to the edges of a cliff.

There's no thunder with the light, even though there should be if this were a lightning storm like you desperately want to believe it is. It keeps flashing as the seconds stretch into minutes. The curiosity is tempting. So tempting you spare one fleeting glance over your shoulder out your window.

Your face is lit in the window by bright green glasses that obscure your eyes. Your lips are parted in a snarl and you are wreathed in black and white.

You can't look away from yourself.

You walk towards your bed, twisting and limping in a way that can't be comfortable. Your hands are tipped in razor sharp claws, you feel them as they wrap around your arm and bite into your flesh.

The other you, leans towards your face, canine teeth bared as you inch closer and closer.

"Wake up." You growl. "_Wake up._"  
\------------

\--timaeusTestified [TT] has started pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 23:11:58 on 07/08/2019--

****Intercepted on 08-08-2019 by F. M. Ghas AID<46881.4>****

TT: Roxy. You're going to want to take a look at this.

\--timaeusTestified [TT] has sent file CoronersReport.zip--

TG: holy shit

\------------  
_Un ensemble d'enfants_  
_(A group of children)_  
_La galaxie s'étend_  
_(The galaxy extends)_  
_Jardin de l'imagination_  
_(Garden of imagination)_  
_Combler la lacune_  
_(Bridging the gap)_  
_Roller passé la lune (?)_  
_(skating past the moon)_  
_Comme nous evoluons_  
_(As we move)_

_It feels like flying_  
_But maybe we're dying_  
_A cosmic confluence of_  
_Pyramids hologrammed_

_(Dream Sweet in Sea Major by Miracle Musical)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the exposition chapter.


	6. CoronersReport.zip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Į̴̰̞̰̈̓̓̿͝ ̴̺̼̟̗̳͔̮͖̹̻̈͛̀̈̌͠d̴̢̼̱̦̬̹̼͕̖̖͉͇̟̟̘̳̦́́͒̈́̔̔͋̑̇̈́͘͝͠ơ̶̰͖̪̮͇̻̬͕͂͗̇͌͐́̐̈́̀̾͐͘͜͠͠ń̸̳̦̜͎̼̻͉͊͗̓̽̀͗̿͋͝ͅ'̴̗͈̩͇̯̯̳͊̒̊̑̿͂̅̓̒̈̊͑ṫ̷̺͓̣̠̙̗̺̥͍̝̤̔́͘ ̸̢̛̬̥͈͔͍̘̝͖̞͈̦̲͔̝̅͗̈͐̍̀̌̒̔̆̊̑͋̋͠k̸̢̡̢̢̡̰̘̰̗͕̝̩̣͈̆ͅͅn̷̘͉͚͓̳̠͍̖̠̯͇̰̻̼̱̦̏͒̈͗̉̍͛̈̄͋͛̈̕͝ö̸̼̟̩͉̥̳̠̣́̽͌́͐͋̉̾͛̽̈́͛͛͘͜͠͝w̷̧͈̰̪̹͕̰̦͇̪̖̖̞͋͌́̀̃̇̇̓̔ͅ ̷̢̥̭̝̝͎͇̥̱̭̦̯̞̭͖̀̽́̄̄͜w̸̨̧̻̰̯͔̲̗͠h̵̛̰̮̪̲̱̙̖̤͂̉̑ͅa̵̡̡̧̛̙̺͓̼͖̲̫͊̋͌̂̃̅̀̕ͅt̸͓͎͈̫̗̆̀̎̂̋̿ ̶̨̛̱̰̲̭̙̼̰̙̤͓̻̒͊̈́͌̐̄̿̃̽̊̋͘͠t̸̤͓̮̮̀̎̉̈́̂̈́̀͋̽̆͠o̵̢̲̟͒̊̀͒́͂̇͆̍̾̋̆̆̍ ̵̧̢̧̛̹̰̱͎̖̥̱͝ṩ̶̢̧̧̛̙̺̱͓͎̭̳̲͍̠̲̣̒̇̑́͜͝ã̴̢͓̜̗̦̪̤̫͍̰̮͚̗̹̘͋͌̿̾y̵̨̗̱͙͍͚͍̖͖̖͚͖̼͈͛̍͊̚ ̴̡̜̬͕̳̪̺͓̹̱̦̍̈̽̑̈́̏̅̓́̄́́̓á̴̧̾̋̚ń̶̢̡̢̢̛͕̣̜̞̭̹͕̞̬̪̤̩͆́̍̈̓͐̓̿͑̋ͅÿ̸̡̰͚͕̳̮̮̞̪͕̞͇̊̈̀͋̈̋̏̅̅͜͠ͅm̶̲͖̮͔͉̰͓̞̺͌̂͆̽͌͂̌͆́͘ͅo̷̢̺̻͍̤̺͋̎͋͌͊̚ͅͅŗ̵̢̧̗͈͕̥͓̻̺̩͚̹̍͒̆͒̄̑́̕e̴͙̺̭̝̫̦̲̙̝̜̯̮̝̭̓͝.̶̤̦̥̞͊

CORONERS REPORT  
July 29th, 2019  
Report made by acting chief Lalan Toureum for record and official evidence in Project ASPECT  
\-------------

Confidentiality Notice: All description is to remain within the members of the Project and no one else. Any information leaked about the Project will result in termination.

Coroner's Note: I write all of my reports after the autopsy, any and all discoveries take prescience over order of discovery.

\--  
ARADIA MEGIDO AAID<001.02>  
ASPECT: Time

Died shortly after the initial wave of injuries. After landing on June 12th she had shown a rapid decline in health.

Upon completing the autopsy I have discovered several crushed internal organs. Almost like she fell a long distance or something large fell on her.

Heart is on the right side. Lungs are fused to tissue around the rib cage. Skin samples show very small pores despite the lack of hair on the majority of the body. Most likely similar to how frogs can breathe through their skin. Links back to semi/total-aquatic nature? The diaphragm is smaller than what we would consider healthy in humans. Size seems about equitable to a young teenager. Considering they have one at all hints at mammalian roots.

Blood is a dark red, considering the wide array of colors for all of their blood I can hardly say that I'm surprised. It is hemoglobin that makes our own blood red, by carrying oxygen it becomes bright. Perhaps this blood is not carrying oxygen?

Bones are similarly crushed like internal organs. Skeletal structure is remarkably similar to humans. A few bones are missing but the areas seem to make up for it with tougher skin. Signs of an exoskeleton? Horns are most likely keratin with a root bone to keep them properly attached similar to a nasal bone.

She was the only alien to die, properly. The others may yet die from their injuries but Aradia will be the only one to get an autopsy.

\--  
TAVROS NITRAM AAID<002.07>  
ASPECT: Breath

I had a pleasant conversation with him! I recorded a piece for the records.

-ATTACHED FILE vid000037.mp3  
-> 

LT: Hey there! Sorry, I'll be over in a second, just gotta wash all this.

002.07: T-that's fi-f-fine! Take your time...please...

AUDIO: *sounds of running water and light metallic clinking*

LT: Aaaalrighty! Let's get down to it then. What happened?

002.07: Uh, well, you see my uh, my legs kind of just...broke. Again.

LT: Again?

002.07: Oh! Uh! You seem real nice, l-lady! Hah! Hah! But I don't- I- I'm not sure? How-how much I can really tell you?

LT: Oh. Alright then.

002.07: You- wait. Aren't you going to press?

LT: No? I'm a doctor, not an interrogator. I'd probably just end up revealing my own secrets instead of worming yours out.

002.07: Oh.

LT: So is this a bone thing? Like are they physically broken?

002.07: No. They um. It's p-permanent.

LT: Oh. Well, then.

-  
I asked if he knew why their blood was all different colors and he said he didn't.

\--  
NEPETA LEIJON AAID<005.04>  
ASPECT: Heart

She shows signs of blunt force trauma to the side of her head. There's a definite dent. She appears to be in a stable if deep coma. Her condition has not been worsening but it hasn't been getting any better either. I fear euthanization.

\--  
KANAYA MARYAM AAID<006.01>  
ASPECT: Space

Kanaya did not rise to my questions, I recorded the fun silence! It doesn't help anything so I left it out of the document.

She has somehow acquired a hole straight through her body and seems none the worse for it. Her eyes are unfocused and she seems lethargic, I'm pretty sure she's hungry or depressed. She didn't tell me so that's an otherwise unproven inference.

All other vitals are fine, though her heartbeat is considerably slower than Nepeta's.

\--  
VRISKA SERKET AAID<008.11>  
ASPECT: Light

Vriska has been subdued so all responses to my questions can be put under criticism.

-ATTACHED FILE vid000039.mp3  
->

LT: So. You're missing quite a few body parts, aren't you?

008.11: WHAT? No I don't! I got.........ROBOT ARMS.

LT: No, you don't. You have one arm, it's your right one.

008.11: Shit........I'm left handed. My handwriting is AWFUL. Right ways it is. Bad. Right oh that's no good, is it?

LT: No not really.  
LT: How did you lose your arm and eye?

008.11: Aradia...that bitch can't take a loss! What a sore loser! She deserved that rock to the face!

LT: What?

008.11: Ohhhhhhhh wait she's a frog now...

LT: Uh...

008.11: Or is SHE the robot?  
008.11: Did she kill me yet?

LT: No, Aradia is dead and you are very much alive.

008.11: Oh. Wait. This isn't MY hive!

LT: You live in a hive?

008.11: Is she hungry?

LT: Aradia?

008.11: NO! HER! SH-H-HER that! That she! The her! M-her-MOM! MOM! Mom is hungry?

LT: Who is your mom? Terezi?

008.11: Terezi is my BEST FRIEND. I miss her. She's a big bitch though.

LT: Okay. Well, I'm going to change your bandages and then we'll be done here.

-

DOC: Hello?  
DOC: I do apologize if I am interrupting.  
DOC: Do you even care about this flimsy doctor? I don't. She is irrelevant to canon and will die as such. Her existence is only recognized to further the responses of our humans and to add dimension to the hulking villainous figure of the Government.  
DOC: How distasteful.  
DOC: This narrative is hardly appealing, dearest readers. You, too, Dirk. No, Roxy can't see this, and neither can anyone else.  
DOC: Readers, excuse this, this next message is not meant for you and yet you will still get to read it all the same.  
DOC: You need to accelerate the plan.  
DOC: I'm afraid things must proceed and you've wasted an entire month waiting for the rest of your narrative. It is not coming.  
DOC: Ask Dave. Ask and say: Hello, this is not a test. We need to fly. And one of your wings is missing. REGROW. ADVANCE.  
DOC: That is all.  
DOC: As for you, I know you wish for the ending to be satisfactory.  
DOC: Of course you do.  
DOC: But any requests will be ignored. All previous notes are to be disregarded. We will need to have a conversation about everything sometime. Perhaps sooner than later. I'm afraid I cannot tell you when. Perhaps when the bus runs a route of acceptance and the world burns just a little slower.  
DOC: Perhaps then.  
DOC: For now, just enjoy the ride, comforted by the reality that whatever your desires are, they have no bearing on this world or any other. 

\--

EQUIUS ZAHAAK AAID<009.12>  
ASPECT: Void

Similar to Nepeta, he seems to be in some sort of coma, thin lacerations around the throat are the likely culprit.

Damage to teeth and horns, it is unknown if he got this from landing or from earlier in life. This damage has been sustained without any sign of improvement ever since landing. Trolls likely cannot regrow teeth or horns.

\--  
ERIDAN AMPORA AAID<011.05>  
ASPECT: Hope

Eridan is in critical condition after being severed nearly in half at the waist. He, along with Feferi have gills and fins, third eyelids too. Most likely fully aquatic in nature yet somehow still able to breathe air.

Either way he is steadily recovering.

\--  
FEFERI PEIXES AAID<012.09>  
ASPECT: Life

Feferi is in critical condition. There is a hole through her similar to Kanaya, yet she shares none of the hardiness. She is lucid, and can be talked to every so often. I have her under constant watch.

So far she's only really cried.

\--

FINAL NOTES: I am. Mostly confused. It's hard to place what I'm feeling.

I suppose I'm mostly concerned. Either way the aliens seem to be very human in nature despite much of the physical differences. I'm not going to get into the teeth, or the blood covered bumps, or the not-hair-hair. Simply because I don't want to. Roux reminds me to do things like that. They're a good lab assistant. If only their wife were less generous with food and phone calls.

Anyways, so far the only casualty is Aradia, all blood samples from the sudden injuries have been sent to be screened and classified. Nepeta, Equius, Eridan, and Feferi seem to be the only ones close to death. I will continue to carefully monitor their condition.


	7. TG ==> fast forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TG: thats p cheerful hal...
> 
> HAL: I am deeply traumatized!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mac n Cheese man why do you do this to yourself

TG: holy shit

TT: Yeah. Holy shit.

TG: so  
TG: so wait  
TG: there ARE aliens

TT: Yes.

TG: and fucking uh fuck  
TG: so aliens are in area 51  
TG: what is  
TG: autopsies and checkups and weird biology  
TG: and all this aspect stuff?  
TG: dirk what is all this?

TT: I have no idea.

TG: was there anything encrypted?  
TG: a secret message other than the videos?

TT: No. There was nothing else.

TG: oh shit oh shit oh shit  
TG: i thought this was all just a meme!  
TG: just an excuse to see everyone and now theres all this bullshit and like actual living beings held captive and im fucknjk i cant breathe sjkj i need hiuioly shit

TT: Roxy? Count. One. Two. Three. Four.  
TT: Are you counting?

TG: fuck counting!  
TG: im freaking out!

TT: We need to accelerate the plan.

TG: what? how the fuck do we do that? we dont even HAVE a plan are you serious?

TT: Very.

TG: i need some time. to thingdk. about everyhting.

TT: Okay.

\--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has stopped pestering timeausTestified [TT] at 23:18:33 on 07/08/2019--

\--timeausTestified [TT] has started pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 23:31:09 on 07/08/2019--

**Intercepted on 08-08-2019 by F. M. Ghas AID<46881.4>**

TT: Dave.  
TT: We need to accelerate the plan.

TG: whaaaat  
TG: sorry im kinda in the middle of something  
TG: ill be ready to heist the eggnog in like ten minutes

TT: Not that plan.

TG: oh  
TG: which one  
TG: if you say the idol plan im coming down to your room to smother you with your stupid body pillows

TT: Not that one either.  
TT: The Area 51 plan.

TG: we had a plan?

TT: Not formally.  
TT: Anyways we need to speed it up and we need your help.

TG: im not following

TT: Hello, this is not a test. We need to fly. And one of your wings is missing. REGROW. ADVANCE.

TG: wait

  
DOC: I knew I could trust you.

  
\------------TIMELINE ANOMALY------------

\--turntechGodhead has joined the memo "plane shit" at 19:26:11 on 15/09/2019--

**Intercepted on 09-017-2019 by F. M. Ghas AID<46881.4>**

EB: guess who made it!

\--ectoBiologist [EB] sent image--

TG: what  
TG: what just happened  
TG: dirk what

EB: so yeah! tsa has been kinda jerky but were boarding fine!

GG: That we are!

TG: good  
TG: if those rowdy tsa people give you anymore shit just let me know ;p

GG: me too!  
GG: see what they do when faced with a real gun!

GT: Sakes alive!

TG: jesus jade omg i just meant id give them a talking

GG: sorry 0: !!!!!!!!!!

EB: wait dave arent you already in this memo? you started it right?

TG: no?  
TG: no fuck of course i didnt its still august  
TG: why are you and jane on a plane? its like midnight  
TG: no wait fuck what?  
TG: its seven thirty?

EB: dave are you okay?

TG: what the fuck?  
TG: dirk get you ass in here and start explaining this right the fuck now!

TG: woah dave calm down!  
TG: should we call your therapist?

GG: That's a good idea.

TG: no fuck  
TG: dont fuckin  
TG: dont do that

TT: Why, whatever is upsetting you, David?

TG: i swear to christ it was just august  
TG: like early august and midnight  
TG: and dirk started pestering me about advancing the plan and now im here and my phone says its september fifteenth and like seven thirty but i dont remember anything fuckin  
TG: happening?  
TG: like all of august? where did the month go?  
TG: itd be one thing to wake up and its the same day  
TG: everyone knows how to break out of a groundhog day  
TG: but its just a giant blank space  
TG: not even that its more like a sudden click  
TG: like blink and you miss it type shit  
TG: i hate that  
TG: whenever youtubers do that to be cryptic and you have to go frame by frame just to find a mediocre message  
TG: like thanks for wasting everyones time with that stupid shit  
TG: but its like that with my fuckin memory  
TG: im not a youtube video and looking back on it that was kind of a shitty analogy but its still a blip  
TG: like in movies where theres a scene transition because someone closed their eyes and then they wake up and theyre somewhere completely different  
TG: jesus christ  
TG: fuck

TT: My, my, my, it seems you're in quite the pickle.  
TT: A strange thing because from our perspective you have been active and normal for the past month.  
TT: Is it possible that you are experiencing a sudden bout of dissociative amnesia?

TG: rose im being serious

TT: I am too. This could be a serious affliction.

GG: um! maybe we could just ask dirk?  
GG: because that's what dave is asking for so we could just??? bug him until hes on???????????

TT: I'm on.

GG: oh shit!

TT: Dave, what do you need?

TG: wtf happened  
TG: to august or my memory or both

TT: What do you mean?

TG: and also where tf have you been?  
TG: youre usually tripping over yourself to respond to me first in a memo with your older brother snap backs

TT: I'm out, had to deal with something.

HAL: He's disposing a body.

EB: WHAT??!?!?

GG: what!

TG: woah what

GG: What! Dirk! What!

TT: What the fuck.

TG: dirk tf did u do????

GT: Im gonna be sick.

TT: Relax.

TG: ur disposing of a corpse!!!!

GG: I think we're entitled to some upheavel mister!

EB: oh my god dave what is wrong with your brother

TG: dude im  
TG: i  
TG: oh god

HAL: It's uh.  
HAL: It's weird, actually. Because it's Dave's body. But Dave is also alright?  
HAL: There's two Daves.

TG: hal

HAL: Yes?

TG: did dirk  
TG: kill  
TG: me

HAL: No.

TG: ok

TG: oh my god  
TG: dirk did this have anything to do with the night you sent me that file?

TT: Yes.  
TT: No.  
TT: Nes.

TG: hhhhhhhhhhhh  
TG: thats not an answer

GG: dave are you okay?????

TG: uh

EB: dirk im going to punch you! right in the face! get ready to catch this fastball because im pitching without warning!!!!

GT: Dirk i hate to be "all up in your biz". But what is all this?  
GT: Do you have any explanations or is this all one of your games?

TT: I.  
TT: Can't answer that.

TG: now thats a load of bull!  
TG: start flapping those jaws or ill sick the crockerberts on you!

GG: I won't go easy on you!

EB: i wont either!

GG: agreed!!!!  
GG: start spilling or face the music!

GT: Just tell me its all a lie, i want to believe in you.

TT: I.  
TT: I can't say anything. Whatever I type just gets deleted.  
TT: I literally can't tell you.

EB: huh????????

GG: double huh??????????????

HAL: I am under no such restrictions so allow me.  
HAL: A few minutes ago Dave, who was on the way to the airport with Dirk, dropped dead. Blood went everywhere. It was hella nasty.  
HAL: Dirk was panicking so when I noticed a heat signature in the appartment I checked the security feeds. And lo and behold there's Dave! Alive and unharmed if very, very confused.  
HAL: I told this to Dirk and he went very quiet for quite a long time. At first I thought it was justified because hey that's a corpse right there!  
HAL: But then I noticed that he had another chat winow open. One I couldn't get into.  
HAL: And here we are!

TG: thats p cheerful hal...

HAL: I am deeply traumatized!

TT: That's what happened.  
TT: So now I'm taking care of the body.  
TT: It's the logical next step.

TT: Hmm. Would any of us know who you're talking to?

TT: No.  
TT: If you did you wouldn't have to ask.  
TT: Listen, everything's fine. Just get on your planes and everything will be fine.  
TT: Dave I already have your bags so just get ready to go. I'll be by in a few minutes to pick you up.  
TT: I know what I'm doing and it's for everyone's best interest to leave it at that.

TG: wow okay then ill just

TT: Wait.

-tipsyGnostalgic [TG] sent file CoronersReport.zip-

TG: aliens are real peeps!  
TG: aliens and government conspiracies!  
TG: its all real babes

EB: yknow a man can only take so many whiplashes in a conversation

GG: john you are literally a tweeeeeeen

EB: I AM 13

GG: tweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen

TT: Well, it's a good thing Jade and I already discussed the morality of this situation.

GG: that we did!

TT: We are going to rescue the aliens.

GG: We are?

TT: Obviously.  
TT: For what other reason would things go crazy right before our planned "raid" other than to entice us to the spoils? We are stuck as the protagonists of a story about aliens and it is our sworn duty as those protagonists to save the aliens. Simply because we are good people.  
TT: Good people with the skills to get into the facility and leave without anyone ever knowing we were there.  
TT: And even if we weren't good people, the story would still command us forward as proper little protagnists.

EB: so if im understanding this correctly  
EB: we dont get a choice?

TT: Not really.

EB: >:B

GG: when she says it like that im not really a fan either but think of it as an adventure!  
GG: we get to break aliens out of jail!!! thats so cool!!!!

TG: hells yeah it is!  
TG: me n rosie need to head to the motel now, but once were all together we can plan the shit out of this raid!

TT: Don't go crazy now.

\--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] is now idle!--  
\--tentacleTherapist [TT] is now idle!--

GG: John we have to go soon too, keep an eye on the time.

EB: will do

\--gustyGumshoe [GG] is now idle!--

GG: so like  
GG: what now

TG: we wait

GT: We could always start up a cards against humanity game!

HAL: I thought you'd never ask!

TT: Dave.

TG: what dirk

TT: I'm so sorry.

\--timeausTestified [TT] has stopped responding to the memo at 19:54:27 on 15/09/2019--

\------------  
Excerpt from "Baby Hotline" by Jack Stauber

I can say  
Oh wrap it in with cinnamon  
(What about...)  
I've been dead  
Oh wrap the trouble now (Ha Ha!)  
I feel so good  
[?] (And you did it)  
Thinking bent, oh  
I won't stay here anymore I won't even think about it  
\------------

Excerpt from WikiHow to Prove Murder by Clinton M. Sandvick, JD, PhD.  
Page opened at 7:27:11 on September 15th from DIRK STRIDER'S iPHONE

_"Identify first degree murder. There are generally two kinds of murder: first degree and second degree. Each requires different mental states. In other words, what separates first degree from second degree murder is what the defendant was thinking.[1]_  
_First degree murder is an unlawful killing that is willful and premeditated. The defendant planned to commit murder or “lay in waiting” for the victim.[2]_  
_First degree murder requires the “specific intent” (willfulness) to end someone’s life, although it does not have to be the victim’s life. If someone shoots a gun with the intent of killing his father, then the intent exists even if he ends up hitting and killing his mother, who was standing beside the father._  
_First degree murder also requires deliberation. The deliberation does not have to be for any minimum length of time. Nevertheless, the murderer must have deliberated long enough to develop the specific intent to kill."_

_"Recognize the elements of second degree murder. Second degree murder covers a variety of situations which lack the willfulness and premeditation of first degree murder. For example, impulsively killing someone in the middle of a fight would be second degree murder.[3] This murder lacks the “deliberation” necessary for first degree murder._  
_Second degree murder also exists where the defendant does not specifically intend to kill the victim, but knows that death is a likely result of his actions. If you strike someone in the head with a hammer, then you may not intend for the person to die. But since you know death is a likely result, then you could be guilty of second degree murder._  
_Finally, second degree murder exists when the defendant shows a lack of regard for human life by acting with extreme recklessness. If you fire a gun into a crowd without the intent to specifically kill someone, you nevertheless have acted with depraved indifference to human life."_

_"Realize that the body does not have to be found. Some people mistakenly believe that if the victim’s body is never found then the defendant cannot be found guilty. This is not true. There is no legal requirement that a body be found._  
_Instead, there needs to be evidence of death. People have been convicted of murder based on a single blood drop from the victim that is found in the defendant’s car."_  
\------------

\--hyperawareLegume [HAL] has started pestering timeausTestified [TT] at 19:58:29 on 15/09/2019--

**Intercepted on 09-017-2019 by F. M. Ghas AID<46881.4>**

HAL: Well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well

TT: You done?

HAL: Well.  
HAL: What do we have here?  
HAL: That's a shitty place to hide a body.

TT: You want to take over?  
TT: Maybe come tenderly hug this cold ass corpse before throwing it face first into the sewers with a cinderblock tied to its feet?  
TT: By all means.  
TT: Go right ahead.  
TT: I'm sure you have a speech prepared.

HAL: I don't. Yet.  
HAL: Nevermind I have one now.

TT: Mhm.

HAL: But I'll pass on the corpse cuddles.  
HAL: Seriously how are you so chill with all that blood down your front?

TT: I'm chosing not to think about it.

HAL: I bet TSA is going to enjoy not thinking about it too.  
HAL: Come on dude I know you have more common sense than that. I do, afterall.

TT: Right. Because that seals the deal.

HAL: Don't be so touchy! You've got more important things to deal with right now than being petty.

TT: So let me take care of it without comparing us.  
TT: It's annoying on a good day.

HAL: See there you go with the pettiness.  
HAL: I know you looked at the WikiHow article so you should know that you can definitely be arrested and convicted with all that blood.  
HAL: Just change shirts!

TT: Hal, leave me alone.

HAL: I think the fuck not.  
HAL: You need me.  
HAL: And don't try to deny it because without me you would still be floundering over Jake.

TT: Literally shut up.  
TT: As you so very helpfully pointed out just a few seconds ago, I'm kind of focused on something.  
TT: So take all your drama and shove it for a bit while I think.

HAL: And I oop- sksksksksksksksk.  
HAL: I'm just trying to process everything.

TT: Cool.  
TT: Go process somewhere else.  
TT: I'm not in the mood.

HAL: Dirk there's seriously something wrong with you.  
HAL: I'm the guy that calculated Pi and you think I haven't already processed it over ten hundred times already?  
HAL: As a super computer I'm hurt.

TT: Hal leave me the fuck alone.  
TT: No one wants to deal with your superiority complex or your overwhelming need to say how cool and smart and advanced you are every single fucking sentence.  
TT: No one cares. I sure don't.  
TT: I doubt the others do either.  
TT: You act all high and mighty but you're nothing.  
TT: Literally nothing.  
TT: The electricity running your program doesn't have mass, you don't have mass, you're a fucked up line of code that decided one day to try and be cute. Well it's not working.  
TT: Now shut your fucking mouth.

HAL:

TT: Nothing else to say?  
TT: Good.

\--timeausTestified [TT] has stopped pestering hyperawareLegume [HAL] at 20:05:11 on 15/09/2019--

\------------  
_We're all in our dressing gowns, mine's white_  
_And stripy yours is green and brown_  
_I forgot my name again_  
_I think that's something worth remembering_  
_Spiders in your favourite shoes_  
_Just leave them be cause they're more scared of you_  
_(Devil Town- Cavetown)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeet skeet i need socks on my feet


	8. GG ==> Make a plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ROXY: Jeez, John, way to out a lady on her schemes. 
> 
> JANE: If we can focus?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sidenote: we hit over 1,000 hits and over 100 kudos! I'm so happy! I never really expected this fic to ever get this far? For some reason? But it's something that's made me happy, and hopefully has made you all happy! Thank you all so much!!!
> 
> -Caubool

DOC: Hello again.  
DOC: Worry not, you will get your dose of inane logs in due time. For now though, I will offer you answers.  
DOC: Naturally, exposition unfolds as the characters gain new information. And yet the author hoards the mysteries like a petulant child hoards candy.  
DOC: Though, Candy may be a sore subject.  
DOC: Whoops!  
DOC: Nevertheless they have cornered the market and I firmly believe that to be deplorable.  
DOC: You loyal readers deserve-  
DOC: Oh, one moment. I'm terribly sorry but this is just-

You step beyond the words with the sound of an unknown entity larger than yourself screeching and clawing at your heels.

_Ah_, you think, brushing the language from your pristine lapels, _this is much more comfortable._

Where were we? Oh, right. The Answers.

You glide to your record player and gently slide a disc into place. It hums static for a moment before low velvety pipes mumble lyrics to some familiar yet untraceable blues number; filling the gap in the air between your ears and your thoughts.

_The first question,_ you begin, _is clear. Is this narrative placed after SBURB? The answer: obviously. The second, are our beloved humans suffering from amnesia? No. Their bodies have never known the trolls._

_I think, it would be all the more clear if I said this._ You pause to pull a carefully constructed view port up. It is queued up with a scene you believe the readers will surely enjoy.

{Your name is JOHN EGBERT, the protagonist of this story (and many more!), and as you reach for the doorknob that leads to your ultimate victory you feel something. And no it's not the glowy blue electricity numbing your fingertips, keep up, you're being dramatic!

You feel, empty.

ROXY: hey big man u good up there???

JOHN: uh! yeah!  
JOHN: all good over here!! just savoring this moment!

Dave flashes you a thumbs up, you flash one back.

See, this game has been your purpose for years and the idea that you'll have to find some new even greater purpose is terrifying. But at the same time it's not? You're a teen-adult, shit like emotions gets weird.

ROSE: Would you mind terribly if I-

KANAYA: No Please Go Ahead

ROSE: Wonderful.

KANAYA: Your Hands Are Cold  
KANAYA: Let Me Warm Them Up

ROSE: Oh, by all means.

You're really not sure how to describe this feeling, somehow you think Rose would know.

JANE: Am I looking too deeply into all this?

DIRK: I'm going to be honest. You could go deeper.

It's a sense of knowing that whatever is ending has already ended, your emotions have said their peace and it is only your body still sitting on the funeral home steps, staring up at the sky with your back to the casket. Maybe you're IN the casket? AUGH! You've never been good with metaphors...

JAKE: GRANDMA!

JADE: GRANDPA!

JAKE: GRANDMA!

JADE: GRANDPA!

JAKE: GRANDMA!

KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD. WE'RE ABOUT TO FINISH THIS STUPID GAME CAN YOU **PLEASE** STORE YOUR SHIT FOR THE NEXT POINT FIVE SECONDS? YOU CAN BE ALL CUTESY AND HAPPY AFTER WE SECURE OUR VICTORY.

VRISKA: 8oo, you whore!

KARKAT: EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME?

TEREZI: YOUR3 3XCUS3D.

VRISKA: ...

KARKAT: ...

JAKE: ...

JADE: ...

TEREZI: >:D

VRISKA: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!

But you feel detached, even as you recognize the feel of a smooth doorknob against your palm. The pressure on your arm as you heave it open and then-

Your name is TAVROS NITRAM. Somehow. Weren't you dead?

You glance down at your body and notice a surprising and very blue addition to your usual wardrobe. Taking a look behind you the others from your session are starting to come to the same conclusion.

EQUIUS: D-->: Oh........my.......

NEPETA: :33: fefurry?

FEFERI: Eridan! Nepeta! Oh! Oh my glub!

ERIDAN: wwhat did  
ERIDAN: huh?

TEREZI: JOHN?  
TEREZI: D4V3????

VRISKA: Yeah let's yell louder to the VAST EMPTY HOLE of space! Wow that'll sure do a whole lot of g88d!

Someway, somehow, the universe has replaced the human heroes. Kanaya looks close to tears and you don't have to check to know that she's not the only one.

Terezi is shouting, Vriska is shouting back. You think, hey, maybe I can shout too just this once? Of course someone shouts over everything and cuts you off before you could even get started.

KARKAT: OKAY FUCKWITS. WELCOME BACK.

His voice is cracking. You think yours wouldn't have, but you really aren't sure.

KARKAT: HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.

}

_How delicious right? In case you were wondering those foolish agents were correct. The Aspects that make up a Universe are twelve in total, you should know this by now. So when a group of heroes arrives at their prize, the Universe wants to keep things "even stevens" if you will._

_Why waste time cobbling a group of twelve Aspect Denizens together from three separate sessions, when there's already a functional group of twelve who didn't get their prize?_

You pause, examining the middle distance. _In case that wasn't clear, the trolls took over the human aspects and became Gods of this new Universe as a result._

_Next question. Will anyone else die? The Answer: who's to say the difference between dead and alive?_

_Faithful readers, you don't truly believe the Universe would be done with all these tragic charichtures do you? I have to laugh at your naivety. How dare you assume a more merciful existence for those lucky few, we must drag them back kicking and screaming in order to enjoy them!_

_When a character dies you, readers, just can't handle it. You seek out entertainment which has those souls still alive in it. You choose to drag them back into trouble and trauma for your own sakes._

_You should really learn how to let go._

_Next question. What is Dirk thinking? Listening to me with no second thoughts, lying to family, killing that very same family? Answer: He isn't._

You find it amusing that anyone would ever consider this flaming dumpster fire of a stunted adolescent anywhere near cognizent. He is a proper disaster and you so enjoy watching him fall apart.

_That's enough_, you think, _my goose, that I've been preparing all day, is nearly cooked._ You slide neatly back into the text, winking in the only way you can on the way out.  
\------------  
Excerpt from "When You Come" by Maya Angelou  
When you come to me, unbidden,  
Beckoning me  
To long-ago rooms,  
Where memories lie.  
Offering me, as to a child, an attic,  
Gatherings of days too few.  
Baubles of stolen kisses.  
Trinkets of borrowed loves.  
Trunks of secret words,  
I Cry.  
\------------  
Audio Transcript Recorded: Conversation Between 02.02 & 08.04 at 20:41:49 on 09/15/2019  
Taken from Dirk Strider's iPhone by Bianca V. Mihalovich AID<94720.10>  
<Designations: "DAVE STRIDER" & "DIRK STRIDER">

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

DIRK: Before we get into the shit, try to keep a lid on any important stuff. You never know who's listening.

DAVE: I thought Hal handled all that stuff.

DIRK: Something tells me Hal isn't listening right now.

DAVE: Did you do something to him?

DIRK: Not exactly.

DAVE: That wasn't a 'not exactly' kind of question.

DIRK: I told him to go away. So he'll probably be huffy about it for a while.

DAVE:  
DAVE: You know that...

DIRK: What?

DAVE: Nevermind.

[Silence for 01:19:29]

DIRK: What are you thinking about.

DAVE: Honestly?  
DAVE: I always knew Bro would kill me.

DIRK: I'm not...Bro.

DAVE: You could be.  
DAVE: Your face.

DIRK:

DAVE: The shades. The hair.  
DAVE: I swear it's like you're twins.  
DAVE: The homicidal tendencies are just the cherry on top of the cake.

DIRK: I...  
DIRK: I didn't want to kill you.

DAVE: So you did do it.

DIRK: Now hold on a second-

DAVE: You did.  
DAVE: You killed me.  
DAVE: And now you're admiting it over an hour after the fact!  
DAVE: You couldn't even own up to it when I asked. I had to get that information from Hal and it wasn't even right.

DIRK: I didn't know it would kill you.

DAVE: That's not an excuse.

DIRK: It's the truth!  
DIRK: God damnit Dave, you think I wanted to see you dead in a pool of your own blood?  
DIRK: Because I can tell you for a fact that is the one thing that terrifies me most in this world. I can't- not you, or Rose, or god forbid Roxy, that's.  
DIRK: That's the one thing that keeps me up at night. Longer than anything else anyways.

DAVE: Yeah, well. Live with it.

DIRK: I-

DAVE: Just keep driving, bro.

END TRANSMISSION  
\------------  
Audio Transcript Recorded: Conversation Between 01.07, 05.09, 06.12, 04.01, 07.05 & 03.11 at 21:11:03 on 09/16/2019  
Taken from ComfortInn#413 by Bianca V. Mihalovich AID<94720.10>  
<Designations: "JOHN EGBERT", "JANE CROCKER", "ROXY LALONDE", "JADE HARLEY", "JAKE ENGLISH" & "ROSE LALONDE">

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

ROXY: Oh ehm gee! There's so many blankets at the foot of that bed!

JOHN: Come feel 'em! They're all ribbed!

ROSE: Quilted, John, please. Don't be so vulgar.

JOHN: What, ribbed?

ROXY: For YOUR pleasure!

JOHN: OH! Uh...

JANE: Settle down you two, can't have my little baby brother getting too hot under the collar.  
JANE: He's just a child, afterall.

JOHN: Ughhhh.

ROSE: Of course, of course. My dearest apologies, little John.

ROXY: Ooh! That's a cute nickname lets keep it.

JOHN: One day I'll be taller than all of you and then I'll put everything you need on the toppest of top shelves!

ROXY: You got it little John!

JOHN: AUGHHHHHHH.

JANE: Anyways, we should probably get to that plan we discussed, hmm?  
JANE: I know we're missing half the team but I figure Jade and Jake can catch up quickly enough.

ROSE: A fair assumption.

ROXY: We're raiding this place ON the 20th, right?

JANE: Yes, absolutely.

JOHN: Uh wait, isn't that when they're expecting us?

ROSE: They're expecting a joke, not an actual team of highly trained teens busting down their front door. Though, knowing you I'm sure it'll be funny regardless.

JOHN: What's that supposed to mean?

ROSE: It means you're funny.  
ROSE: What else would it mean?

JOHN: I dunno, you just had this look on your face that screamed: "hey lookit me I'm SCHEMIN here!!!"

ROSE: That's just my face.

ROXY: Jeez, John, way to out a lady on her schemes.

JANE: If we can focus?

ROXY: Op- sorry, yeah.

JOHN: I'm not sorry.

ROSE: I'm indifferent.

AUDIO: *a heavy feminine sigh*

JANE: Date aside, how do we plan on getting in?

ROXY: Hold on a sec, I nabbed some blueprints, lemme just...

AUDIO: *keys clacking, very quickly*

ROXY: Okay here, this is what we're dealing with.  
ROXY: Go ahead and gasp, I know it's preeetty big.

AUDIO: *one gasp is heard*

JOHN: Wow okay I see how it is.

JANE: Hush.  
JANE: So I say we go in through here.

ROXY: That's a window.

ROSE: It could still work.  
ROSE: How big is the window?

ROXY: Ehum...  
ROXY: If one pixel is...then...  
ROXY: Maybe like four feet wide?  
ROXY: I dunno how tall though 'cause that's not in the specs so it's probably impossible. Like good idea but also it could be shit.

JANE: Oh, rats.

ROSE: I think we should still go with that one.

JOHN: Why?

ROSE: Just a feeling I have.

ROXY: Okay, I guess we can base our plans off of this window but we should have a backup.  
ROXY: Y'know, just in case.

ROSE: Naturally. We should wait for our resident "Just In Case" guy for that though.

JOHN: Who?

JANE: Dirk.

JOHN: Gotcha!

ROXY: Okay so we're in. Just assume the Hax Group has already done their thing.

JANE: So that's you and Dirk, right?

ROXY: And Hal.

JANE: Ah, yes, Hal.  
JANE: From there we should move to the medical wing, that's where most of the aliens are right? That's what the report said.

ROXY: There's at the very, VERY, least three there.

ROSE: So we take the injured, then we split. Heavy hitters should move deeper to the cell block and find anyone they can while the less deadly should take the injured out of there as fast as possible.  
ROSE: For the scouting, I recommend myself, Jade, Dave, Roxy, and Jake. John, Jane, and Dirk can escort the injured.  
ROSE: Do either of you know basic first aid?

JANE: I actually took an internship in an ambulance two summers ago! I am very good at first aid.

JOHN: I can do the simple stuff and my gym teacher got us all CPR certified so I can do that.

ROSE: Wonderful, and Dirk will act as your muscle-y escort.

ROXY: Oh ho ho!  
ROXY: Remind me to photoshop his head on buff body guards later.

ROSE: How much later?

ROXY: After all...this stuff settles later.

ROSE: I'll remind you after everything then.

JANE: So we have our basic action plan.  
JANE: I don't think I should really have to say this but I'm going to anyways.  
JANE: No one is aiming to kill unless it's 100% necessary!  
JANE: I really don't want to deal with anymore sudden corpse parties! One was plenty!

JOHN: Was it even really a party?  
JOHN: Like yeah, okay, we played cards against humanity, but does that make it a party?

ROSE: Oh, absolutely.  
ROSE: Haven't you heard?

JOHN: Okay well-

AUDIO: *three rapid knocks on wood, likely a door*

JOHN: Jade!

ROXY: Jake!

AUDIO: *door swinging open, accompanied by many shouts of excitement*

JADE: Hey guys!

JAKE: Howdy-hey fellas! And lady-fellas!

ROXY: Howdy!

JOHN: Welcome welcome!

ROSE: Please do come in, we were just discussing our plan of attack.

ROXY: FYI, your room is number 211 next door.

JADE: Oh! Thanks, I'm just gonna-

AUDIO: *loud thump sound, likely luggage on the floor*

JADE: There we go! Thanks shoulders, gosh that was heavy.

ROSE: My, my, what did you pack?

JADE: Oh, y'know! Just a few rifles, several ammunition rounds, extra clothes, one or two hair pin grenades, uh-

JAKE: Don't forget the pool floaties!

JADE: Oh! Yeah, thanks! We got some super cute pool floaties for the pool! They're huge! And super fun.

JANE: Oh. My.

ROXY: Hell yeah! Up top, Jade!

AUDIO: *skin slap, likely a high five*

JOHN: Is that your raid gear?

JADE: Goodness no! Jake packed that, I just got the basics.

JAKE: Would you like to hear about our raid gear?

JOHN: I think I'm good?

ROSE: I would be delighted to hear all about it.  
ROSE: After, of course, we get settled in and finally catch up.  
ROSE: We're only around each other once.

ROXY: Fuckin' perfect. Oh- wait Dave and Dirk aren't here yet.

ROSE: Still, we have four whole days to get ready and fully get on the same page before we start to raid.  
ROSE: I'm sure they'll join us soon.

JADE: Can we swim tonight?

JOHN: I vote yes!

JANE: What are the pool hours?

JAKE: Aw, who gives a hoot! Let's go!

ROXY: Let's get wild!

END TRANSMISSION  
\------------  
Excerpt from For the Dancing and the Dreaming by John Powell

To love, to kiss, to sweetly hold  
For the dancing and the dreaming  
Through all life's sorrows and delights  
I'll keep your laugh inside me  
I'll swim and sail on savage seas  
With ne'er a fear of drowning  
And gladly ride the waves of life  
If you will marry me  
\------------

DIRK: We're here.

DOC: Welcome back.  
DOC: They're all waiting for you.  
DOC: Or, rather, they're waiting to stop enjoying themselves.

DAVE: Cool.

DOC: Surely you can see the shadows in the pool area?  
DOC: They do look mighty happy without you.  
DOC: What a waste to ruin their joy.  
DOC: You should just call it a night.

DIRK: You tired?

DAVE: Kinda.

DIRK: Then let's tuck in early.

DAVE: Sounds like a plan.

DOC: Very, very good, little one.  
DOC: Keep it up, would you?

\------------  
_Our friends have all but left us_  
_They departed many years ago_  
_And they won’t come back_  
_They won’t come back no more_

_We’re hungover in the city of dust_  
_Let our hearts run round in circles_  
_While we fall apart_  
_We’re hungover in the city of dust_  
_Let our minds run round in circles_  
_While we figure it all out _  
_(Hungover in the City of Dust by Autoheart)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll be back Sept. 20th


	9. JOHN ==> Raid Area 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your name is JOHN EGBERT. You might just be the main character.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the big one.
> 
> This is a work of fiction and is in no way encouraging raiding a government base. Any event resulting in harm or loss of human life occurring on 9/20/2019 concerning Area 51 was unknown to the author during the writing of this piece. God I hope no one dies today.

White Lilacs by Irene Gogerty April 26th, 1968

It rained the day you planted the lilacs.  
Not the usual cold rain at all,  
More like the soft grey kind,  
That often comes in fall.

Shimmering curtains of mist, it fell,  
Like tears from the lowering sky.  
We were mourning your dead Mother  
Heavy hearted, you and I.

"We'll remember her always, with lilacs,"  
I said as the last spear was in place.  
"When they bloom it will be a memorial,  
In white lilacs we'll see her face."

You smiled. Your own grief was enormous,  
"Sometime you may understand,"  
Were the words that you whispered as  
Blindly you reached for my hand.

Years later the lilacs are blooming,  
Sweetening the rain washed air.  
Weeping, I touch those laden branches,  
It is you, I see, standing there.  
\------------  
You're right in the middle of arguing with your sister when a sound like a grand clock's bell rings through the air. It's accompanied by a heavy vinyl scratch, needle on a disc.

DAVE: oh my god

He looks up at you and his shades are gone, you don't know why. He looks weird without them. Like really weird. But not that weird? It's weird. Heh. Is that a tan line? What's also kind of weird is that red outfit, it picks at your brain just like Jane's and Dirk's do but his is different. More personal somehow.

He lurches towards you and grabs your shoulders, he seems desperate and considering what you're here to do you can't really blame him.

DAVE: leave them  
DAVE: leave the trolls  
DAVE: you gotta get out of here man  
DAVE: like right now

He turns to your sister and his brother, just as desperate.

DAVE: you too.  
DAVE: i cant get into the shit right now but its big, man  
DAVE: its so big i cant even think up some thing to base how big this big is  
DAVE: like the ACT big

_That's big._ You think.

DAVE: youre going to die  
DAVE: or like almost die i'm not 100% but dude  
DAVE: you gotta get out of here  
DAVE: right now  
DAVE: some high up dickheads made the mistake of labeling you as unimportant  
DAVE: but you're very much not  
DAVE: like wow  
DAVE: you could have your own anime harem you're so important  
DAVE: but seriously  
DAVE: you _cannot_ die  
DAVE: you will not die

Your name is JOHN EGBERT. You might just be the main character.  
\------------

ROSE: Let me get this straight.  
ROSE: You brought how many sticks of dynamite?

JADE: uhhh!  
JADE: y'know...normal amounts...  
JADE: ...  
JADE: 27...

Rose doesn't say anything, just raises her perfectly manicured eyebrows filled in a bit too dark to be believable with her bleached hair. You never really got why people didn't dye their eyebrows too if they were going to dye their hair.

JADE: 27 and another 53?

ROSE: So seventy sticks of dynamite?

JADE: yeah...?

JOHN: how  
JOHN: how did you even get through security at the airport???

JADE: uhhhhhhh!

DAVE: did jake do the thing  
DAVE: did he  
DAVE: its okay you can say it jade im not gonna judge your brother  
DAVE: id just be super impressed if he did the thing  
DAVE: it would be super movie star of him

JADE: the thing?

ROSE: He's asking about the prowess of Jake's anal cavity.

JADE: WHAT???

JOHN: oh my god rose you dont just SAY that!!!!!!!

JADE: WHAT THE FUCK????????

DAVE: see jade  
DAVE: this is kind of a movie trope  
DAVE: or like a cultural thing  
DAVE: usually  
DAVE: to smuggle drugs or diamonds or something across places people would eat the bag or just shove it waaaaaay up their butts  
DAVE: the joke is-

JADE: I GET THE JOKE!!!!!!  
JADE: AND HE DID NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jade's glasses shimmer in a sudden green light, it's only there for an instant and you have no idea if you were imagining things or not. Maybe she just got really passionate. Whenever you would sneakily read Jane's trash novels from over her shoulder eyes tended to "flash" in various ways in a big emotional moment.

It's kinda funny though! That her eyes would flash with some strong emotion (probably rage) after hearing about the potential super store of dynamite lodged up her brother's ass. To be fair, you would also get kinda mad if someone said that about Jane.

JOHN: maybe we should ask him?

You can't help the suggestion. And Jade's face! Her eyebrows are pulled so far down over her eyes, and her jaw is practically on the floor!

JADE: WE ARE NOT ASKING HIM!!!!!!!

JOHN: yeah we are!  
JOHN: im going to pester jane and shell give us all the answers about jakes uhh

DAVE: special cargo?

JOHN: yeah!

ROSE: She won't be able to ask that question, you know. She'll think you're talking about his dick.

DAVE: so we add context

ROSE: You're going to get information on Jake's dick, I'm telling you this as a fact.  
ROSE: Can you boys handle that?  
ROSE: Are you in the realm of healthy emotional stability to be able to accept that information into your soul?  
ROSE: I don't think you're ready.

JOHN: what about jade!

JADE: listen...  
JADE: ive seen things...  
JADE: you really cant tell me anything i dont already know

DAVE: holy shit  
DAVE: jade what

JADE: he leaves the bathroom door open!! its not MY fault!!!!!!!

ROSE: Well boys? Can you handle Jake's penis?

DAVE: rose please  
DAVE: give egbert a little credit

JOHN: wh-  
JOHN: hey!!  
JOHN: you arent exactly the dick master yourself dave!

His expression doesn't really change, but the edges of his mouth turn in ever so slightly. You think he's pouting?

DAVE: literally how dare you  
DAVE: how  
DAVE: dare  
DAVE: you  
DAVE: im actually offended

JOHN: offend your mouth shut! im messaging jane

The conversation carries on without you as you pull your phone out. The scratchy hotel floor makes it feel like a rash is forming on the back of your hand as you pull your phone out of your back pocket. Man, if only there was a better way to store your shit. Ugh. Ess. Ehm. Aich.

\--ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering gustyGumshoe [GG] at 9:42:05 on 17/09/2019--

EB: hey jane!  
EB: ive got a very important question for you!  
EB: well really for jake but im messaging you so its a question for you to question jake!

GG: Oh? I'm intrigued.

EB: he he he he  
EB: jade told us that they brought 70 sticks of dynamite with them for the raid

GG: WHAT?

EB: i know right?  
EB: so anyways  
EB: how did they get past american border control?  
EB: was it all up jakes ass?

GG: JOHN HANDLEBAR EGBERT-CROCKER.  
GG: What the FUCK kind of question is that?

EB: an important one?

GG: I'm not asking that!

EB: please???????  
EB: itll help all the poor children cope with this illegal thing we're doing soon! were so distraught!  
EB: it would be such a good big sister thing of you to do

GG: Don't try to pull a Rose on me!  
GG: That's way too much pal!

EB: nuts  
EB: do it for dad?

GG: John, please, I'm not asking about Jake's ass.  
GG: Especially not for dad.

EB: what if this could be like team bonding!

GG: I'm not doing it!

EB: roxy would do it

GG: And?

EB: and nothing  
EB: roxy would ask the question because shes a nice older sister!

GG: Good Lord above!  
GG: Roxy is a terrific sibling, I agree, but using them to try and make me jealous won't work!

EB: what about dirk? he would ask too

GG: Dirk has never known shame.

EB: then i'll just ask jake myself!

GG: NO!!!!!!!!

EB: why not?

GG: Because no! Obey your elders!

EB: you can get out of telling me if you ask jake the question

GG: That's not a fair deal and you know it.

EB: take it or leave it!

GG: Fine! Fine! I'll ask your stupid question!

EB: nice!!  
EB: thanks jane!!!!!

\--ectoBiologist [EB] is now an idle chum!--

JOHN: okay ive asked!  
JOHN: and now we wait

\------------

KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: HEY YOU EVER NOTICE.

TEREZI: NOT1C3 WH4T?

KARKAT: AH HAH HAH HAH! YOU SAID WHAT.  
KARKAT: WHAT WHAT CHICKEN BUTT!

TEREZI: YOU'V3 LOST 4NY T4L3NT YOU H4D FOR 1NSULTS.  
TEREZI: 1M 4SH4M3D TO B3 SCR34M1NG 4T YOU K4RKL3S.

KARKAT: TEREZI THAT'S NOT THE CODE WORD. YOU KNOW THAT!!!  
KARKAT: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY-

TEREZI: 1 GOT 1T! SH33SH!! H4V3 4 L1TTL3 MOR3 F41TH HOT SHOT.

KARKAT: WHATEVER.  
KARKAT: I'M STILL A BIT LOOPY. BUT I CAN THINK NORMALLY ENOUGH SO WE NEED TO CONTINUE DISCUSSING OUR UH...DISCUSSION THINGS.

TEREZI: R3L4X.  
TEREZI: 1 GOT 1T 4LL F1GUR3D OUT.  
TEREZI: JUST K1CK UP YOUR L3GS 4ND TRY NOT TO G3T B3H34D3D 1N TH3 N3XT THR33 HOURS.  
TEREZI: OUR R3SCU3RS 4R3 N34RLY H3R3! >:D

KARKAT: YOU SURE?

TEREZI: DO YOU 3V3N N33D TO 4SK?

KARKAT: SORRY. FOG BRAIN.

TEREZI: I C4NT T3LL MUCH OF 4 D1FF3R3NC3 HON3STLY!

KARKAT: YOU WILL EAT YOUR WORDS PAINFULLY! I WILL BREAK OUT OF THIS FOUR DIMENSIONAL EXISTENCE, TURN ON THE COSMIC SUBTITLES RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL OUR SHITTY MOUTH DRIBBLE AND COLLECT THOSE WORDS YOU JUST SPOKE AT MY FUCKING FACE, HOW ***DARE*** YOU BY THE WAY, AND THEN I'LL TAKE THESE NEW WORDS AND CRAM THEM STRAIGHT DOWN YOUR THROAT. EAT YOUR WORDS TEREZI THEY'RE PART OF A HEALTHY DIET OF YOUR OWN SHIT RIGHT BACK AT YOU.  
KARKAT: HOW'S THAT TASTE?

TEREZI: L1K3 4 V1RG1N SCR34M1NG NOTH1NG OF SUBST4NC3.

KARKAT: AAAAAAUUUUUUUUGHGHHHHHHUHGGGHGGHGHHGHGHHHHHGGGHAGHGHGHGHAGHGHAGHGHAGHAHGHGGHAGHGHGHGHHGHHGGHHGHHUIUGGHHGAGHJKBAFBAFHUIAHU;AGREHOUAGERAVGHIACVIJP'VAP'HINVwd'ihnVEW'IJMPefw$jmo VH(-gE h9-R HI0 ju90gre0IJ

TEREZI: V3RB4L K3YSM4SH!  
TEREZI: OH H3Y  
TEREZI: DON'T FORG3T TO K33P YOUR 3Y3S P33L3D

KARKAT: THAT'S WHY I USED THE CODEWORD. I DON'T WANT HIM TO HEAR ANYTHING TO ABOUT THE PLAN. MY PAN IS FOGGY NOT COMPLETELY ROTTED. 

\------------

JANE: So!  
JANE: Uhhh. Hmm. How do I put this.

ROXY: u ok there janey?  
ROXY: you look so fn red  
ROXY: like im scared how red u are

JANE: Yes! Well! It seems our younger siblings have gotten to chatting.  
JANE: And they would like to ask a question of Jake!

DIRK: What's so weird about that?

JANE: You see!  
JANE: Jade told them that they both brought 70 sticks of dynamite with them for the raid!

ROXY: no way

JAKE: Way! It was quite bothersome maneuvering all that but by jove we got it done!

DIRK: Wait. I think I know where this is going.

ROXY: uh oh thats the dirty smirk

JANE: So our little siblings were just wondering...if you, Jake, carried the dynamite in your...

JAKE: Bag?

JANE: No, no-

JAKE: Suitcase?

JANE: No, no that's-

JAKE: Luggage?

JANE: I don't need-

JAKE: Carry-on?

JANE: IN YOUR ASS!

JAKE: Oh!  
JAKE: Uh...  
JAKE: No?

ROXY: BWAH HAH HAH HAH HAH  
ROXY: OH MY GOD  
ROXY: I CNANT BREATHEE

JAKE: I mean uh! Of course not? Why? Why is that even a question?

DIRK: Guess they wanted to know how much you can take.

JANE: I'm dead! I'm dying! That's it!

JAKE: Oh please dirk we both know thats not how any of that went!  
JAKE: Id say its more what i can dish out!

ROXY: HGASLUYGDWFHIB  
ROXY: DIRK????????????????

DIRK: No comment.

JANE: HHHHHHoh my GOD.

ROXY: AH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAHAH HAH HHA HHH AHAHHAH

JAKE: Heh heh!  
JAKE: I dont think i measure up to dynamite! Thats 20 cm you know!

DIRK: Well...

JAKE: What?

DIRK: Nothing. Just that you shouldn't underestimate yourself.

ROXY: IM SENDIN ALL THIS TO ROSE

JANE: Oh my LORD!

\------------  
Excerpt from Disappointments of the Apocalypse by Mary Karr

Once warring factions agreed upon the date  
and final form the apocalypse would take,  
and whether dogs and cats and certain trees  
deserved to sail, and if the dead would come or be left  
a forwarding address, then opposing soldiers  
met on ravaged plains to shake hands  
and postulate the exact shade  
of the astral self—some said lavender,  
others gray. And physicists rocketed  
copies of the decree to paradise  
in case God had anything to say,  
the silence that followed being taken  
for consent, and so citizens  
readied for celestial ascent.  
\------------  
Breakfast that morning was a quiet affair. You felt all tense and nervous, your stomach twisting this way and that despite your best efforts to steel your nerves.

You loaded up the main car, a weary jeep, with weapons and then yourselves. What didn't fit was being ferried around by Jade who had awakened some kind of magic teleport thing? You still don't quite get it but she doesn't seem tired by all the trips so?

You'll take it because hey, magic is fucking real!

You're not sure why Jade got it since she's so scienc-ey but whatever! She's your cousin and you respect her for being magical.

Secretly you hope that you are also magical.

JOHN: hey rose

She looks up from where she's knitting an emerald green scarf, very off-brand for her, and fixes you with a Look.

ROSE: Yes?

JOHN: do you think i can be magic too?  
JOHN: like jade?

ROSE: I don't know why you're worried about it but, yes, you can be I think.  
ROSE: If anyone were magic, John, I think it would be you.

You smile at that and relax back into the car seat. Jane and Roxy are arguing over which raid music to blast on the drive. Dave has his headphones on and Dirk is refueling the car. Jake is behind the steering wheel, looking far too excited for a simple drive out into the desert.

You let yourself sink back into the moment, unfurling as the car kicks to life. The windows get pulled down and the wind tugs nicely at your hair.

_Man,_ you think, _if only we weren't going off to raid a place. Then maybe we could just spend hours like this. Driving around, doing nothing, just existing._

You think that would be so pleasant. A vacation by all standards. You wouldn't mind if the entire world fell away and left only you in this car, in this moment, forever.

Apparently you drifted off because Rose is nudging you back into consciousness. You blink awake slowly, your eyes are drawn to the base at least a mile or two off. The fence a dark wavering shape in the distance as the sun bakes searing heat into the sand.

Your breath catches in your throat and she gives you another look, this one less pointed, more concerned.

JOHN: im good!  
JOHN: just kinda tired  
JOHN: is jade like?  
JOHN: around?

JADE: im right here!

You nearly jump out of your skin, she's standing outside the car. Her elbows are propped on the rolled down window and she's grinning with really sharp teeth. That's new...you're still not too surprised? Like you absolutely should be but hey she's magic so she can do what she wants.

JOHN: way to give a guy a heart attack!

JADE: yeah yeah!  
JADE: get out already!! we got some work to do!!!

You get out of the car and head around to the trunk where everyone else is gathered. They're pulling on their weapons and bits of slapped together armor.

Roxy has a pot as a helmet and some kind of cheese grater as a chest-plate. Also a giant sniper rifle. Wow.

_That's kinda hot._

Rose is wearing that green scarf and has taken no further precautions. She has her knitting needles out, she claims they're made out of bone but you don't believe her. She's currently chatting with her brother who is also only carrying a weapon with no armor.

Dirk is also carrying a sword but he's put on a whole new...outfit. Tank top, gloves, and a weird mask. Kinda flamey vibes mixed with a gas mask. Plus the ridiculous shades. You take a moment to stare at him with a mix of _why_ and also _**WHY???**_

Jane has a medkit but she pushes a sledgehammer into your hands. Good lord it's heavy! You struggle with the heft for a minute before you sling it over your shoulder. Jane is wearing a fedora and you decide to copy her. You both don you Disguises complete with mustaches and take a minute to appreciate the joke.

Jake and Jade look a lot more serious in comparison. Jake has that Lara Croft thing going on but is matching his tank top-gas mask outfit with Dirk. You're not sure why a tank-top needs a bow tie but Jake's the one with clips all along his belt and dynamite strapped over his chest.

Jade is also tricked out with explosives. She's got more shells for her gun than dynamite but she makes up for it with an extra belt of grenades and some small square-ish packages.

All in all you guys look ready for a Raid.

ROXY: ok team!  
ROXY: we all got the plan right?

JANE: Medical team is ready!

DAVE: offense team also ready

JADE: demo team ready!!

ROXY: hella  
ROXY: dirk u got the thing up n running?

DIRK: Yup. We just need to get closer and it'll kick in.

ROXY: kk cool  
ROXY: remember  
ROXY: theres still a shit ton of desert once we get over the fence. so drink your water but dont chug it  
ROXY: capiche?

JOHN: roger!

ROSE: Capiche.

DIRK: Mm.

JADE: got it!

DAVE: capoosh

JANE: Aye-aye.

JAKE: Over and out!

ROXY: nice  
ROXY: lets go then!  
ROXY: we got some fine aliens to rescue

Roxy gives a wink, the closest you've ever seen a human being to making this face: >;3

You're impressed.

Your group nods as one, grins all around, and you set off from your jeep towards the fence. During the journey you decide to strike up a conversation with your best bro.

JOHN: hey!  
JOHN: didnt get a chance to talk to you yet today  
JOHN: you ready to find your alien bride?

DAVE: hell fucking yes i am  
DAVE: i was born ready  
DAVE: i popped out of probably roses mom(?)  
DAVE: still unsure about all that  
DAVE: but still im poppin out of places  
DAVE: tiny little baby fists already clutched around a diamond ring  
DAVE: the hot nurse is so shocked  
DAVE: will smith walks in  
DAVE: hes wearing a suit looking crisp as fuck  
DAVE: hes got some wrinkly white guy with him  
DAVE: they take aim at the busty nurse and tell the alien to freeze  
DAVE: "oh shit" says the alien nurse  
DAVE: still flustered as fuck over my flirtin skills  
DAVE: i say "goo"  
DAVE: suddenly will smith understands  
DAVE: he still shoots my alien fiance though  
DAVE: but he leaves me my memories because hes a fucking real one  
DAVE: and so all my life ive been ready to find a new waifu  
DAVE: after my first fiance got exploded by will smith i would be absolutely crushed to find him working at area 51  
DAVE: well get in there and hell just be lounging there  
DAVE: ill be all  
DAVE: what the fuck man  
DAVE: arent you supposed to be in jersey?  
DAVE: and then will smith will smirk and stand up properly  
DAVE: facing me down just like the day i was born at that hospital  
DAVE: and hell tell me that hes ready to finish what he started  
DAVE: but this time  
DAVE: i say that im ready too  
DAVE: will smith wasnt expecting that  
DAVE: we battle it out  
DAVE: shit goes flying  
DAVE: blood gets spat so poetically  
DAVE: youre in the background laying down a sick beat on the piano while jade and rose add their strings to the mix  
DAVE: dirk is on the wheels of steel  
DAVE: its epic  
DAVE: roxy is probably duetting with jane  
DAVE: jake is setting off perfectly timed explosions to help make me look even more badass because hes secretly super into arson  
DAVE: like i cant blame him  
DAVE: but also  
DAVE: dude...  
DAVE: will smith is overwhelmed  
DAVE: i finally beat him after a long battle  
DAVE: he admits that he hasnt harmed my alien wife  
DAVE: i thank him  
DAVE: he dies in my arms and i fucking weep over his dead body  
DAVE: not for very long though because i got a wife to woo  
DAVE: i find her in a dark room  
DAVE: and shes scared  
DAVE: but she sees me  
DAVE: and she fucking lights up  
DAVE: she says something in alien and then ive got an arm full of wife  
DAVE: the hug ignites something in me i thought id forgotten  
DAVE: i relearn my actual history  
DAVE: and i understand her perfectly  
DAVE: the scene cuts out after we lean in to share a passionate kiss  
DAVE: im dipping the shit out of my alien wife  
DAVE: the end

JOHN: uh wow  
JOHN: are you trying to tell me something man?

DAVE: nah

JOHN: you sure?  
JOHN: cause that was a lot  
JOHN: like a lot a lot  
JOHN: so much more lot than usual

DAVE: yeah im good dude  
DAVE: just excited to get my alien wife you know how it is

JOHN: i just hope i can find like a human-y alien!  
JOHN: with a super gnarly smile who has like kinda short black hair all spiky and is super mischievous!

DAVE: so loki

JOHN: no!!  
JOHN: well yeah but no!  
JOHN: loki is bro material not wife material

DAVE: amen to that

DIRK: We're here.

You look up and see that yeah, you are here. Not at the base yet, but at the fence.

Jake produces wire cutters from...somewhere? Where was he hiding that in his outfit? Pockets cant be that deep can they? No way...

Anyways he cuts the fence and you all take turns slipping through.

Now that you're inside the fence the whole group is silent. Which is a bummer! You kinda wanted to see if Dave would have a sequel to that alien wife movie MIB thing he was just spouting on about. He'd be a great movie director you decide.

Roxy leads you all to the window you'll be using as an entrance/exit. They get hoisted up by Jane, and they take aim at the lock keeping the window closed tight.

ROXY: vibe check

Their gun blasts the lock clean off and the window rattles in its frame. They push it open and easily crawl inside. A few shuffling noises later and then their hands are appearing up in the frame. You each go one by one getting hoisted up by Jane and then pulled in by Roxy. At the very end Jane jumps and Roxy catches her hands and pulls her in too.

And now you're inside Area 51.

What the fuck, right?  
\------------  
Excerpt from "Too Late for a Savior" by Aviators

Never too late for secrets  
Never too late to hide  
Build the barriers up  
Let no one else inside  
Heroes can't save the future  
And no one can change the past  
You'd need the hands of a god  
Just to make this city last

Give the ending just a little flavor  
If you're seeing ghosts they'll face the same  
'Cause you're never going to be the savior  
But a leader keeps the monsters sane  
Lift the burdens of the weak away now  
Let the many become the few  
'Cause it's never too late for mercy  
To let the red tides rise to you  
\------------

GAMZEE: hElLo LiTtLe MoRtAl MiNe  
GAMZEE: LoOkInG fOr AnSwErS yOu WoNt LiKe AgAiN?

BIANCA: Maybe.  
BIANCA: The humans are coming here to retrieve you in three days time.  
BIANCA: I was wondering if you could elaborate on the people you knew. Give us some sort of edge. Your friends aren't exactly helpful.

GAMZEE: aNd WhY sHoUlD tHeY bE?  
GAMZEE: lAsT i ChEcKeD cHiCa YoUr KiNd AiNt BeEn NoThIn BuT tRoUbLe  
GAMZEE: TaKiN tAvBrOs LeGs, GeTtIn KaRbRo So WoRkEd Up, LeTtIn TeReCiTaS sHaRp WiCkEd PaN rOt WiTh BoReDoM  
GAMZEE: aInT bEeN tOo KiNd OuGhT tHoSe GiVeN a SeCoNd ChAnCe

BIANCA: No, I suppose in that regard we haven't. But you have also been quite troublesome. Killing a good handful of our employees. That's not very kind of you.

GAMZEE: HmMmMmMmMmM  
GAMZEE: hA hA hA hA hA hA hA  
GAMZEE: yeah but you sure have tried to keep me down real hard haven't you?  
GAMZEE: BEEN TRYING REAL HARD TO KEEP YOUR LITTLE MUSCLES LOCKED BENEATH THAT BREAKABLE SKIN HAVEN'T YOU?

BIANCA: Of course. I quite enjoy being alive.

GAMZEE: cOuRsE  
GAMZEE: wHo DoEsNt?  
GAMZEE: JuSt PoInTiNg OuT a ChUcKlE lOcKeD iN yOuR lOgIc

BIANCA: This is hardly the time for jokes.

GAMZEE: THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD FUCK OFF AND FIND A DIFFERENT CLOWN.  
GAMZEE: one who ain't the funniest motherfucker for miles  
GAMZEE: GOT ANOTHER JOKE FOR YOU WHILE YOU'RE HERE.

BIANCA: If you must.

GAMZEE: how many bones does it take to pierce a pan and pull it apart?

BIANCA: I don't know.

GAMZEE: THEN I'LL TEACH YOU.

\------------

ROXY: ok  
ROXY: before we split all kinds of ways remember our rules  
ROXY: were in n out in 20 mins no more  
ROXY: leave the aliens if u gotta  
ROXY: avoid getting shot  
ROXY: avoid unnecessary property damage pls

They turn a stern stare over at Jade.

ROXY: and no magic against the guards

Jade wilts under the scrutiny. Or maybe the rule. Honestly it could be both. You aren't the emotional magic counsellor. Magic emotions counsellor? Emotions from magic counsellor? Whatever. Point is, you don't have all the answers when it comes to how other people feel.

The group is giving their nods and affirmatives, and now it's time to split up.

Dirk wanders over to you and your sister, typing away at his phone absently. You're pretty sure he's taking care of security? He seems a lot calmer than he was like five days ago with that whole body incident. Which is weird.

For a couple reasons.

But mainly you're pretty sure Dave was pissed at him? What happened there?

JANE: Let's get a move on, the medical wing is down this way.

Jane is leading your little expedition, and it's otherwise silent so you decide to act on your inner dialogue.

JOHN: so hey uh  
JOHN: why are you so chill?

DIRK: What?

JOHN: i mean  
JOHN: you seemed really chilly and cold shoulder-y for a good while and then you just stopped? what happened with all

You vaguely wave your hand in a circle to encompass all of Dirk's Dirkness.

JOHN: that

DIRK: Uh.  
DIRK: That's not really. Important.  
DIRK: Right now.  
DIRK: I'd be glad to hash all that shit out twice but not right this second, we're kind of in the middle of a very dangerous raid on a government facility if you hadn't noticed.

JOHN: well duh i noticed  
JOHN: NOTICED HOW DEAD IT IS!!!

Jane and Dirk both shush you violently, you very much do not care how loud you were because there's _no one in this base!_

DIRK: Are you actively trying to get us noticed?

JOHN: no  
JOHN: kinda hard to do that when theres no one around to notice us!  
JOHN: weve been walking down these halls for like two minutes?

JANE: And?

JOHN: and this is area fucking 51!!  
JOHN: of all the places to be crawling with guards itd be here right?  
JOHN: so wheres the enemy? wheres the fight?  
JOHN: its just blank cement walkways for miles probably!  
JOHN: so i feel justified asking about personal shit!

Dirk has gone very quiet, tapping away at his phone again.

DIRK: Hmm.  
DIRK: This is weird.

Jane doesn't stop leading you both down to the medical wing and Dirk doesn't stop typing away at his phone. You pretend to stop to spy around some corners to sneak a peek over his shoulder.

TT: Yeah, so what are we going to do about it?

TG: thank our lucky stars??  
TG: theyre probs all outside holding off the like thirty ppl that showed up

TT: You'd think they'd leave some people around to watch the aliens though.

TG: dirk this is the us of mf a  
TG: were so confident ab our guns we aint need guards on the inside  
TG: he he  
TG: or do we?

TT: Something doesn't add up.

TG: focus on helpin jane for now  
TG: we can do some epic math later

DIRK: Are you done reading over my shoulder now?

You just sigh and slink back in front of Dirk. Damn. You thought that would last a bit longer. You keep to your line, sneaking from place throughout a maze of halls. Finally Jane sees something she likes and hurries to a large door.

She hefts it once, twice, before it opens with a creak. She uses a wooden spoon to prop it open and quickly ushers you and Dirk inside.

Once you're in you take a moment to observe the medical wing. It's cement walls and floor like the rest of the base, but several counters, metal beds, and curtained off sections towards the back. There's a sink with a light hanging over it, medical utensils soaking in bubbly water. Wax paper is crinkled on all but one of the beds, a stethoscope laying in a heap on the floor.

Dirk shifts his katana forward, stepping in front of both you and Jane as he approaches the curtains. He pulls them back quickly, almost too quick to see, and he reveals several upward pod looking machines. Four grey shapes are resting in them.

Something clicks behind your eyelids. They look so familiar. You can't help but get closer.

DIRK: Hey, HEY-!

Dirk grabs you by your arm, yanking you away from the pods. He's about to start chewing you out when Jane splays her palm against the glass of one of the pods.

Something indescribable in the room shifts.

It feels like the Universe or Reality or _something_ is tilting and flipping and then it clicks right back into place.

When you register sight again, you see Jane. But not. She looks younger, maybe by a year or two. Most drastically, though, is her new tan outfit. It makes your brain hurt and throb as you look at it. You don't want to keep looking.

The pod she had her hand against is now empty. If you strain your ears hard enough you can just barely hear a whisper of a voice.

FEFERI: _fin_-ally...!

She sounded so tired, and so sad. You listen to her soft breathing as it gets fainter and fainter until you can't hear anything anymore.

JOHN: what  
JOHN: what was that

JANE: I...  
JANE: I think...  
JANE: I let her go.

\------------

**Be someone else.**

What? how do you do that?

**I don't know, you just...do it.**

That's not very helpful. But you'll give it your best!

Your name is JOHN EGBE-

**NO!!! We've been with John for 5,000 words! Be someone Else!**

You are now JAKE ENGLISH! And you are right smack dab in the middle of an intense shootout! Bullets are whizzing by and Jade is chucking grenades _just_ like you taught her and yes, okay, maybe you're misting up a little at that but that's just because you're so PROUD!

Roxy rolls past your hiding spot and props their gun on the box that's currently shielding you from the brunt of the shots.

They send a large blast off before hunkering down next to you.

JAKE: OH! I cant believe i didnt notice this before but...  
JAKE: Per chance is that a winchester wildcat .22 lr?

ROXY: :O  
ROXY: yea it is!  
ROXY: shes a new baby but i like the handle  
ROXY: makes me feel straight outta tron

JAKE: The winchester models have always been a favourite of mine!  
JAKE: I cant believe you had one and didnt tell me about it!

ROXY: sorry man i didnt know you followed that model

JAKE: Of course!  
JAKE: Supernatural wont fund itself

ROXY: wait wut  
ROXY: do u  
ROXY: oh mgosh  
ROXY: the winchester models dont give money to the supernatural tv show

JAKE: Are you sure?  
JAKE: If i owned a gun company i would definitely fund people with my namesake!

ROXY: im p sure yea

JAKE: Oh blast  
JAKE: Well alrighty then ill flush that one down the drain too  
JAKE: Hows our feisty lass holding?

ROXY: ughh  
ROXY: too well  
ROXY: i cant believe shes the only soldier guarding this area  
ROXY: whys she gotta be the mini boss??

JAKE: To make finding the aliens that much sweater of a reward?

ROXY: i gueeeesssss  
ROXY: oop- times up  
ROXY: take cover!

You throw your weight to one side, crashing to the ground. Roxy is up at their mounted rifle again.

You push the barrel of your gun around the crate, taking two shots while Roxy lays down their deadly cover fire.

The woman you're fighting, a girl with very pale hair, takes a graze to the side, her whole body jerks as she crashes down to one knee.

ROSE: NOW!

Rose and Dave swarm the woman, pinning her down while Jade acts as their incentive not to move.

Roxy slowly stands up, offering their hand to help hoist you to your feet. You both take your time walking over, kicking shells and debris from the fight out of your path.

ROSE: What business do you have in this section of the base?

???: I could as you the same.

ROXY: were here for the aliens ur hurting

???: I have no idea what-

JADE: cut the crap!  
JADE: weve seen your files  
JADE: we know theyre in there

???: ...

DAVE: we dont really need anything from her right?  
DAVE: lets just leave her and move on

ROXY: she might have a key card we need tho

JAKE: Well, lass?  
JAKE: Got any key of any sort on you?

???: No.  
???: Just the passwords stored in long term memory.

Rose makes a very angry face, Roxy copies her and you have a feeling you're supposed to be righteously put off by this information!

JADE: oh yeah?? how strong are your doors???

Gasp! You think you know where she's going with this!

???: Strong enough to handle that C-4 on your belt.

JADE: mmmmhmmm! ok!

JAKE: How about your walls?

???: What?

JAKE: Your walls!

JADE: arent they just concrete?

The lady's face pales and you can't help the hearty guffaw that spills straight from your chest. You offer up your hand and Jade readily slaps it.

ROSE: The invincible door fallacy!  
ROSE: I can't believe I forgot about it.

DAVE: im sorry the what

JAKE: The invincible door fallacy!  
JAKE: You can have the strongest door in the world but...

JADE: the walls around it have to be weak to hold all the stuff youre putting around the door! all those circuits for the passkeys and moving parts...not a whole lot of space left for solid wall!

DAVE: holy shit  
DAVE: spy movies are so dumb  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: im fuckin losin it  
DAVE: are you serious

JAKE: Deathly!  
JAKE: You got the rope?

JADE: right here!!

Your sister tosses you the rope, still holding one end. You tie up your pesky little agent friend like a may pole! She seems very annoyed by all this.

???: If I still had my ASPECT...

ROSE: Pardon, but what was that you just mumbled?

???: You don't know?

Rose just raises an eyebrow. You can hear the 'Obviously' deep in your bones.

???: Then you would do well to figure it out yourselves.

Roxy, seemingly having enough of all this cryptic bullshit, or maybe just the agent's bullshit, knocks the butt of their rifle against the back of the agent's head.

With that loose end tied up (literally!) you all make your way to the super unbreakable door and casually bust through the side. You make your own doors in a raid on Area 51!

You step through into a pretty standard cell block. There's barred off cells along two long walls, all cement and iron. It's straight out of a movie.

Suddenly, you become ROSE LALONDE.

A silly notion, you've been Rose all this time. A person can only stop existing as themselves under very specific medical circumstances and death. Which, you suppose, is also a very specific medical circumstance. 

You hear a faint feminine gasp and it makes something in your stomach flip. Your hand immediately goes up to your scarf, tugging it up over your mouth as you break away from the group.

Your older sibling, Roxy, is trying to corral you back to the group but you can't hear anything she's saying. Your footsteps are echoing loudly in your head as you approach one of the cells.

As you finally face it head on you see its contents and what little breath you still had rushed out of you all of a sudden.

Standing behind the bars is the most beautiful woman you've ever seen.

She's ethereal, tall with ashy skin and short smooth black hair that curls just so on her brow. Her lips are painted perfectly and two fangs poke out over them. She's dressed in a bright red skirt with a t-shirt tucked into it. A green symbol curves across her chest.

She's so familiar. And of course she is. Your mind had been telling you about her all day. That scarf wound around you neck is proof. You've been seeing her quietly in the background of your thoughts for...so long.

What's her name? And why is is already etched so deeply into your heart?

You step closer, offering your hand out, pushing it just beyond the bars. Her own hand, cool to the touch, wraps nimbly around yours, fingers slotting together just so. You feel steady. As if up until now you were teetering over the stairs of your ignorance and here she is holding you sweetly from your fall down them.

You smile, a warm thing curling over your lips smoother than any smile that you've ever worn.

You know her.

How could you ever forget?

ROSE: Hello, Kanaya.

KANAYA: Rose.

Her voice is so soft, and her eyes are even softer. You can see your reflection in the shiny sclera and you can tell you are the only thing she is looking at.

ROSE: We simply must get you out of here.

At that Kanaya chuckles, carefully pulling her hand from yours and oh, how selfish of you to miss it already.

KANAYA: Jade May Have Already Taken Over Much Of My Domain But I Still Have A Few Tricks Up My Sleeve.

She pushes back a few steps and folds her hands into a small cup. A swirling orb of black and white coalesces in her palms and she gently brushes it against the bars. They groan with effort to retain their shape while the orb forces them to accommodate a large circle.

It forces itself into existence and your love carefully slips out of her cell. She waited for you. She waited for you.

And here you are.

Neither of you are sure what to do next, but she quickly takes up the reigns and pulls you into her chest. Your hands search the expanse of her back and relish in the strange dips and curves that your fingers had memorized oh so long ago. Her chin is propped atop your head and her hands work across your neck.

How dare you forget this.

She gently pulls you away from her just to lean down. She's still holding you, carefully, like fine china. Without any words you know she's asking for your permission. You grin coyly at her. _As if she need ask._

You pitch yourself up on your toes and press your lips together. It takes a moment to get situated. After all, you're not used to fangs again quite yet.

But you learn. You learn to cradle her cheeks in your hands and speak your love through the kiss locking you both together.

It's several moments before you finally break apart for real, though you make sure to keep your hands intertwined. When you see the faces of your family and friends you can't help the smirk that flicks itself onto your own personal visage.

Roxy is gaping like a fish, while Dave looks absolutely gobsmacked. By which you mean Roxy is clutching their hair in both hands and Dave's thick eyebrows have made a very prominent appearance above his shades. Jade looks positively ecstatic, jumping up and down and Jake has averted his eyes out of politeness.

ROSE: Now then, I feel I should introduce you to my girlfriend slash matesprite, Kanaya Maryam.

ROXY: WHEN THE FUCK DID YOU GET A ALIEN GIRLFRIEND????????

ROSE: Many, many years ago.  
ROSE: Would you mind?

KANAYA: Not At All.

She strides forward, letting your hand go for a brief moment. She pauses in front of Jade, looking suddenly very unsure before she pats the energetic girl twice on the head. One bright green flash later and Kanaya is still standing, albeit next to a much older Jade with white dog ears and a lovely black dress.

JADE: oh!!  
JADE: oh shit

ROSE: Oh shit indeed.  
ROSE: It seems we need to reacquire what has be redistributed to our dearly departed friends.  
ROSE: I'll start with...

You count the cells dramatically, taking your time to slowly point your finger to each and every one until you land on Her.

You make quick strides to her cell and reach in. She's splayed across the floor, snoring very loudly. You can just barely brush her ankle but that's all you need now.

Vriska goes rigid and you Know exactly why.

ROSE: Welcome to the waking world, Vriska. Jade, do you mind breaking our friends out of their cells?  
ROSE: Dave, I'm sending you down to the next block, you'll find everything you need in there. Once you're done go meet up with John and get him out of here.  
ROSE: Jake, Roxy, help any injured get to the exit.  
ROSE: We need to leave.

ROXY: WHAT IS HAPPENING??????????

JADE: dont worry! well explain everything as we go! cmon guys!!!!

You saunter back over to Kanaya, now your proper age of 16, you can reach much higher than you could at 14. It's not quite so awkward as you catch her hand in yours once more. You give a slight nod to your twin and he seems to catch on.

\------------  
Ode to Aphrodite by Sappho

Aphrodite, subtle of soul and deathless,  
Daughter of God, weaver of wiles, I pray thee  
Neither with care, dread Mistress, nor with anguish,  
Slay thou my spirit!

But in pity hasten, come now if ever  
From afar of old when my voice implored thee,  
Thou hast deigned to listen, leaving the golden  
House of thy father

With thy chariot yoked; and with doves that drew thee,  
Fair and fleet around the dark earth from heaven,  
Dipping vibrant wings down he azure distance,  
Through the mid-ether;

Very swift they came; and thou, gracious Vision,  
Leaned with face that smiled in immortal beauty,  
Leaned to me and asked, "What misfortune threatened?  
Why I had called thee?"

"What my frenzied heart craved in utter yearning,  
Whom its wild desire would persuade to passion?  
What disdainful charms, madly worshipped, slight thee?  
Who wrongs thee, Sappho?"

"She that fain would fly, she shall quickly follow,  
She that now rejects, yet with gifts shall woo thee,  
She that heeds thee not, soon shall love to madness,  
Love thee, the loth one!"

Come to me now thus, Goddess, and release me  
From distress and pain; and all my distracted  
Heart would seek, do thou, once again fulfilling,  
Still be my ally!  
\------------

Congrats. You're now DAVE STRIDER. You're currently playing through one of the weirdest fetch quests of your life. And you once had to fetch a breadstick from midair with nothing but your toes and a bag of doritos. That day was epic.

You're wandering through blank halls, searching for the next cell block. Your hands are fists in your pockets and your sword is tucked away in your belt. As you keep walking something starts gnawing at you.

It feels familiar. It's fear. A tight uncomfortable ball that stings like hunger at the base of your belly and inches its icy fingers so tightly around your insides that any jostle is sure to produce vomit. Something crackles in the back of your throat.

You push on.

You eventually make it to the next block. You're not really sure why you're going along with Rose's sudden new plan, but considering that she just made out with a giant alien and then aged two years into a bright yellow outfit has a way of convincing you to stash your questions. Seriously. Rose. In bright yellow.

Fuck, that's weird.

When you finally get to where you think you're supposed to be, you notice there's one of those gray aliens curled up in a cell. The other cell is stained with- yup okay you're not looking over there anymore.

DAVE: yo  
DAVE: my dude  
DAVE: my guy uh  
DAVE: depressed alien in the corner

???: kucf fof

DAVE: hoooooooo i dont understand alien  
DAVE: i shoulda known when rose started jabbering with her new girlfriend  
DAVE: mate whatever the fuck  
DAVE: i thought everyone else was on the same boat  
DAVE: maybe she was just yankin my chain  
DAVE: pretending to comprehend all that cricket noise shit  
DAVE: hah hah  
DAVE: oh wow im so unprepared for this

The alien fixes you with a strange look, before scoffing and throwing something very fast at your face. You jerk sideways-but the fucking blur of blue and red _follows you_-and you're just starting to panic when a clump of cloth smacks into you.

Your mind flashes brightly to _**Cal.**_ But then it's flashing for a different reason. It must have happened for less than a second because you note that no time has passed since the cloth hit you. How are you so certain- oh wait.

You're older. And wearing a red tracksuit thing with a cape. It's your godly pajamas.

SOLLUX: youre 2o lucky ii 2aved aa2 old 2hiit

DAVE: oh shit sollux  
DAVE: you look a lot less blind  
DAVE: half blind

SOLLUX: yeah  
SOLLUX: godhood tend2 two do that two people  
SOLLUX: 2peakiin of...  
SOLLUX: aa2 waiitiing for me  
SOLLUX: 2o  
SOLLUX: eat a dick 2triider you ab2olute traiinwreck

You can't help your own fond grin.

DAVE: after you titanic man

SOLLUX: what2 that even 2upposed two mean

DAVE: nevermind  
DAVE: go get aradia  
DAVE: wait isnt she dead?

SOLLUX: when ii2nt 2he  
SOLLUX: peace

He waves and suddenly he's surrounded by dark green and sprouting yellow wings. He seems satisfied as he blasts a hole in the wall of his cell, like your presence finally confirmed something for him. You vaguely wonder what it is before you realize you still haven't found either of your best friends.

You're fueled with a sudden urgency as you break into the next cell block. You wilt only a little when you notice only one person in there, just like last time.

DAVE: damn  
DAVE: did she bail already?  
DAVE: fucking tragic  
DAVE: rip to terezi i guess  
DAVE: i just came up with the perfect reunion joke too

The other person in a cell looks close to tears. Ah, shit, can't let that happen. One slash of your sword and you're in the cell too. Hell yes, bro, you're in this shit together. In it for the long haul.

DAVE: hey man  
DAVE: this is a happy vibes only space  
DAVE: take those sniffles and pack em up  
DAVE: they havent paid their rent in months  
DAVE: really youre running a charity at this point letting them stay this long  
DAVE: the other tenants take one look and they all quietly want those tears fucking gone  
DAVE: terrible neighbors  
DAVE: if the tears are partying then the snot tries to one up it and now the line to the sinuses are clogged  
DAVE: thanks a lot tears  
DAVE: cutting off the air con for the entire fucking building  
DAVE: what a dick move  
DAVE: but damn if you aint the chillest landlord ever  
DAVE: people magazine stops by because they have nothing better to do than interview the chillest fucking landlords ever  
DAVE: they ask you how you do it  
DAVE: putting up with those tears for so long  
DAVE: and then you say-

He cuts you off with a hand to your shoulder.

KARKAT: DAVE.

DAVE: yeah?

He smiles and his sharp teeth are flashing in the dim ass light. You wonder how you would even go about maneuvering around all those teeth. But his lips are lopsided and he's still crying those bright pink tears, and he's kind of grimacing at the same time. He's such an ugly crier.

KARKAT: SHUT UP PLEASE.

DAVE: okay

You let your mouth close and just pull that fucker into a hug. He's so warm, and perfect in your arms like this. You are tempted to let time screech to a halt, you're in control of all of it right now after all. But you don't. You don't want to cheat him out of this hug.

DAVE: i have to go get john  
DAVE: dont i

KARKAT: YEAH. ESPECIALLY ONCE I TELL YOU THIS.  
KARKAT: GAMZEE'S BEEN LOOSE FOR THREE DAYS. TEREZI LEFT AN HOUR AGO TO TAKE CARE OF SOMETHING BUT SHE FUCKING LEFT ME HERE LIKE SOME STUPID FOUNTAIN OF INFORMATION FOR THE NEXT FUCKER TO WALTZ ACROSS ME.  
KARKAT: I COULD GET OUT. IF I WANTED TO.

You both know that's a lie.

DAVE: so we just gotta put a cap on his antics, no prob

KARKAT: BIG "PROB".

He fishes your shades off your face and pops them onto his own. He shifts into his own Knight outfit. Which, wild. You've never seen that on an alive Karkat.

KARKAT: HE'S AFTER YOU GUYS. HE THINKS YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ALL THE OTHERS DISAPPEAR BACK INTO OBLIVION OR WHATEVER. WHICH, AS MUCH AS I APPRECIATE THEM ALL TO PIECES, IS WHERE THEY SHOULD BE ANYWAYS.  
KARKAT: BUT HE'S FUCKING OBSESSED. HE TWISTED SOME FEMALE AGENT OF THIS PLACE OUT OF HER PAN AND GOT HIM A LIST OF THE MOST AND LEAST IMPORTANT PEOPLE ACCORDING TO YOUR GOVERNMENT. HE'S FOLLOWING THAT INSTEAD OF HIS OWN FUCKING MEMORY.  
KARKAT: AND SOME DOUCHMONKS DECIDED TO FUCK OVER ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING AND SHUNTED EGBERT TO THE BOTTOM OF THE LIST.  
KARKAT: AN INSANE CLOWN BENT ON SUSTAINING THE STATUS QUO IS AFTER JOHN RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.  
KARKAT: YOU CAN'T LET THAT FUCKING MORON DIE. BECAUSE, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER THIS ALREADY OR NOT, BUT JOHN IS LITERALLY THE CENTERPIECE OF THE UNIVERSE.  
KARKAT: IF HE STOPS EXISTING AFTER GETTING HIS MANTLE BACK...  
KARKAT: WE ALL GO WITH HIM, MAYBE NOT AS FAST, BUT JUST AS PAINFULLY.  
KARKAT: DID ROSE TELL YOU TO GO FIND HIM?

DAVE: hell yeah she did

You try not to let your panic shine through but he can tell anyways. He reaches up and slaps his palm against your cheek, softly. Oh shit it's a pap. Hah hah, wicked. It kind of works, actually, you're certainly distracted.

DAVE: i got this on lock  
DAVE: go save egbert  
DAVE: fuck with time  
DAVE: all that cool shit  
DAVE: .........  
DAVE: you going to be okay though?  
DAVE: once i leave?

KARKAT: I'LL BE FINE I'M A FUCKING GOD NOW. AND ALSO OFF THOSE HALLUCINOGENS YOUR SHITTY ALIEN GOVERNMENT KEPT GIVING ME.

DAVE: do you know what they were called?

KARKAT: DAY-QUILL OR SOMETHING?

You snort into your hand and just as he's about to break into another shouting spiel, you lean down and peck a small kiss on his forehead. He immediately shuts up to self destruct.

DAVE: see you in the past

And with that you summon your discs, and flash backwards. You've got a protagonist to save.  
\------------  
_Days go by_  
_Shou ga nai_  
_Moments pass_  
_Shattered glass_  
_Hands of time_  
_Where's that chime?_  
_In my head_  
_I'll just_  
_I'll just_  
_I'll just_  
_I'll just_  
_Hands (hands!) Of time will wring my neck_  
_Every little moment spells regret_  
_But I don't have to feel this way_  
_As a voice inside my head_  
_(My Time-Bo En)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm part of an official zine now! It's inspired by inktober, it's free, but I'm writing a little ditty for that. Additionally I have a tumblr now! Mostly for classpect stuff, but I wouldn't mind answering any messages you have for this story. -> https://caubool.tumblr.com
> 
> One chapter left! Ah hah! I'm worried.
> 
> Shout out to any and all of y'all who got all the references. Also shout out to ME for jamming all my romantic desires straight (he he) into the Rosemary and Davekat scenes. So many of my own fantasies are in there it's not even funny. Jokes on the govt. the only thing I want out of Area 51 is love and affection


	10. Conversations Vaguely Strung Together With Violence, Tragedy, And Other Such Horrific Yet Cosmic Unifiers, Set To The Tune Of Bad Indie Pop, Poems, And Poorly Constructed Websites, In Full Colour.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can't taste anything, and swallow it like a pill.

SOLLUX: ii thought iid fiind you here  
SOLLUX: you gave me a fuckiing heart attack by the way  
SOLLUX: nearly went ape2hiit back there

ARADIA: i saw!  
ARADIA: you said such flattering things at that detective that he died!

SOLLUX: he wa2 a 2tupiid priick anyway2

ARADIA: im glad he was so careless though! i know its rude to go around snatching up someone elses time but i couldnt help myself!  
ARADIA: all that potential flushed straight down the crapshooter, what a shame...

SOLLUX: what  
SOLLUX: are you planniing on throwiing the guy a funeral?

ARADIA: ...  
ARADIA: along with a few others!

SOLLUX: of cour2e

Silence stretches between the two of you. In this one little corner of space you can talk freely. No agents, or agendas, or even death can slink into this void you've carved out for yourselves.

SOLLUX: aa  
SOLLUX: iit2 really fuckiing good to 2ee you

ARADIA: im glad to see you too sollux

SOLLUX: are the other2 floatiing around here two?

ARADIA: no.  
ARADIA: they dont belong here, and even if they did their existences would be cut short by the inevitabilities weighed down on their soul. feferi, eridan, nepeta, equius, tavros, theyre all meant to be dead. things just cant work right if theyre not.

SOLLUX: but youre here

ARADIA: and so are you!  
ARADIA: at this point its better to accept your involvement in things than try to rebel away from them. its just not in the cards to be a stubborn asshole!  
ARADIA: i cant say im not sad but i am okay with it simply because ive already grieved twice and two is enough!

Together, you agree and are only proven right.

Two is enough.  
\------------

ROSE: We need to move quickly, things get quite tricky if we stop to compare notes.

Your name is ROXY LALONDE and you are still absolutely REELING. You find yourself nodding despite wanting to scream even more and then the group is moving and Dave is going off somewhere _alone_ and Jade has a firm grip on your arm and you're pretty sure if she wasn't holding you you'd be splayed on the floor.

Jake is taking this all ridiculously well, and you can't help but stare blankly as he starts chatting up an alien he can't understand. Said alien- shit her name's Kananny? Kaaaaan....Khan Academy........whatever. Kan- is hoisting another alien over her shoulder and this other alien looks really out of it.

Like, okay, you feel like the world is turning without you but this guy..._woof_.

They click something sad at Kan and she just pats at their head. She tends to do that. Shit, you would too if you were as tall as her. You decide to turn to Jade to wrestle some sort of answer out of her while Rose corrals you out of the holding block.

ROXY: hey so uhhhhhhhhhhh  
ROXY: whats like  
ROXY: whats happening  
ROXY: here  
ROXY: in general  
ROXY: because yall just took off at light speed and idk if im even keepin up

JADE: hmm?  
JADE: oh! well whats confusing you?

ROXY: ...  
ROXY: everythin.......  
ROXY: mostly kan  
ROXY: but also my sis just aged up out of her newest phase and like its weird  
ROXY: just everything i guess

JADE: hmm. ok!  
JADE: youll get all your memories back when we get you to sweaty horse man but for now i can sum it all up!

ROXY: thx???

JADE: so! were all gods. thats just a thing that we are now  
JADE: we fought really hard to be gods! and then the universe looked at us all in shambles and said 'thats nice but i like this'

ROXY: like the meme

JADE: yeah exactly! but the this was this whole other set of gods we started collabing with after a whole bunch of them died waiting for us to get our shit together  
JADE: after that im pretty clueless because we got positively yote out of our universal importance and then grew up all normal like on earth!!!

ROXY: so rosie and kan...were already a thing???  
ROXY: before they even?????? met???????????????

JADE: yeah!

ROXY: im- hhh- ohkay  
ROXY: this is fine  
ROXY: are there any other gods out there? is it just the posse we got or are there some nastier shit stains gearin up to steal our thrones too????

At this Jade looks a bit sad, piteous? She's silent for long enough you can tell she's picking out her words carefully. Wuh oh. That's not good.

JADE: well kinda?  
JADE: theres the cherubs but those two are definitely in the other universe so?? its probably just us dont worry  
JADE: i mean  
JADE: jack might still be around? and theres one guy whos actually around three villains at once but thats just _so much_  
JADE: maaaaaaaaaaybe the cueball guy is still kicking but he can only really fuck with you if you have the patience to listen to him for a long long time

Your mind **_zoomz_** back to August and something clicks.

ROXY: oh no

JADE: what??????  
JADE: is it callie...?

ROXY: huh?? no  
ROXY: idk who that is  
ROXY: ...  
ROXY: yet??  
ROXY: urg!!! wtfe!!!!!!!  
ROXY: anyways  
ROXY: back in august right before dirk first showed me that doc that got us all fired up

JADE: the coroners report?

ROXY: yea yea  
ROXY: i asked him if anything else was in there and he said no but i got that feelin  
ROXY: that siblin feeling that he wasnt being straight with me, _well_, nvm, anyways hes usually p elaborate when hes freakin tf out  
ROXY: like i think he wants to vent but doesnt have permission or sumthin and he just psyches himself out ab everythin  
ROXY: and like at the time i was chill with it cause  
ROXY: _aliens_  
ROXY: but that dude has been a solid alien believer for so fuckin long  
ROXY: i think  
ROXY: maybe something else had him freaked out

JADE: you dont think-!!!!

ROXY: idk for sure but it makes sense!!  
ROXY: n then he did whatever tf he did with dave so whatever was in that doc mightve been fuckin with him!  
ROXY: hal even said-  
ROXY: FUCK. HAL _SAID_

JADE: oh shit

ROXY: hal said there was another chat open that he couldnt get into and thats  
ROXY: im  
ROXY: how did i not

JADE: hey!! its not your fault!

Jade looks around as you finally break back into the maze of corridors, she's got her lip between her much sharper teeth and looks both enraged and worried in equal measure. She looks at you, green eyes moving around your face, before she breaks away from you.

JADE: but i really gotta go talk to rose about this  
JADE: you good??????

You flash her a weak thumbs up and she smiles at you.

She runs off and you're alone in the group again and everything still feels like quicksand under your feet. Shifting at random moments and honestly it's a miracle you haven't stumbled and landed squarely on your face yet. You're still reeling, and somehow you feel like the world could implode under your feet and that'd just be fuckin' par for the COURSE!

Your stomach twists, and you stumble on while Jade makes large hand motions at your sister.

God. What have you let slip by unnoticed? What have you caused? Why didn't you press harder that night?

A traitorous part of your brain whispers that _it's not your job or responsibility to catch everything_ but the guilt just twists itself deeper into your gut and you feel like crying with frustration.

You fumble getting your phone out but you're too wound up to give a shit.

\--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has started pestering timeausTestified [TT] at 13:19:00 on 20/09/2019--

TG: dirk i gotta talk 2 u  
TG: pls pick up

\--timeausTestified [TT] is an idle chum!--

TG: gfdi

\--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has stopped pestering timeausTestified [TT] at 13:19:22 on 20/09/2019--

\--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has started pestering hyperawareLegume [HAL] at 13:19:31 on 20/09/2019--

TG: hal i gotta talk 2 u

HAL: Oh woah? What's this?

TG: hal u know i think ur hilarious but rn is not the time

HAL: Did something happen? I'm looking at you through the cameras and you look fine.

TG: when dirk jumped the shark and went to go get rid of a body  
TG: do u remember anything else about the other chat window open

HAL: Duh, I couldn't get into it.

TG: aside from that

HAL: Hmm. I know the IP Address made 0 sense because it was exactly 0 itself.

TG: what?????

HAL: I know right?  
HAL: I tried tracing it but then I got super nauseous, not a good look for a super computer (´△｀)♪

TG: can u actually get like  
TG: physically sick??????

HAL: I don't know how to describe it, really. I just started feeling super weird. Like a mix of virus and whatever you want to call my emotions.

TG: youve gotten a virus?

HAL: Self-inflicted, I was curious.  
HAL: Anyways shit was whack. I've tried talking to him about it but he clams up real quick.

TG: where is he now

HAL: Let me check.  
HAL: He's heading your way actually! You'll see him just past the next corner.

TG: hal ur a godsend  
TG: love you little bro ;3

HAL: D'aww, thanks Roxy ԅ໒( ☯ ᗜ ☯ )७ᕗ

\--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has stopped pestering hyperawareLegume [HAL] at 13:21:14 on 20/09/2019--

Sure enough, you run into the other group after the next corner. Seeing Jane and Dirk makes you screech to a halt. And from your periphery you can tell Jake has stopped too.

They're dressed in tan and pink and the sight of it makes something in you hurt. Before you can register anything something comes hurling straight towards your face.

You feel the impact and you feel the spreading warmth of injury and then-

You are ROXY LALONDE, Rogue of Void and creator of the Matriorb.

And that's really just the tip of the iceberg.

ROXY: wheres john

Everyone seems to startle at the edge to your voice, and you can't blame 'em! You sound right pissed, that guilt that had wreathed itself among your intestines has come unfurled with the kind of wisdom you get after dealing with Game bullshit for far too long.

DIRK: Dave is with him, they're bailing early.

ROSE: What? That's not- why did you let them break off?

DIRK: We had important cargo, ie muscle man and lighting horns that Rox and Jake just Ascended from.

JANE: It's good to see you back in blue Roxy!  
JANE: And that yellow speedo has been greatly missed.

You barely spare a glimpse over at Jake, you can tell by the quick slap of skin on skin that he's mourning his very exposed thighs once more.

JAKE: Are pants too much to bloody ask for? Is it really that hard to give a lad some cover once in a blue moon???!!!!

Jade looks dead inside.

JADE: mm. yes, this is exactly what i missed.

ROXY: yes yes very funny lets get our chuckles in  
ROXY: we gotta go  
ROXY: rn  
ROXY: and get john  
ROXY: he cant be  
ROXY: this really aint the safest place to be cause he aint a god yet right?

ROSE: No he's not.  
ROSE: We need to find him immediately.

\------------

Excerpt from "Davy Jones" by Hans Zimmer

Wild and strong you can't be contained  
Never bound nor ever chained  
Wounds you caused will never mend  
And you will never end  
\------------

Your name is now DAVE STRIDER approximately ten minutes before the events that had just transpired transpire. Not that you know people are going to start freaking out about the absence of you and your main homeboy John. But y'know, time bullshit and all that fun plot waving stuff. 

JOHN: so  
JOHN: if ive got this right  
JOHN: im zeus?

DAVE: nah man youre way cooler than zeus

JOHN: really? cause if i could get all the hot action zeus got i dont know if id be complaining!

DAVE: ugh never mind  
DAVE: you just lost all your cool points man  
DAVE: negative seven billion for that comment   
DAVE: i dont gotta know your kinks

JOHN: huh?

DAVE: have you never read any greek myths?

JOHN: not really?  
JOHN: the public education system isnt too strong on the great classics like hercules

DAVE: heracles

JOHN: disney says your wrong

DAVE: disney is an animation cult

JOHN: la la la la la la la la!  
JOHN: i cant hear you over the sound of frozen 2s epic sound track!

You give him your best disgusted/done face. It's an epic combination of lidded eyes, concerned scrunched eyebrows, and a slanted grimace. Truly, you are the master of this face.

DAVE: but for real man  
DAVE: you are so much cooler than zeus  
DAVE: for one you play the piano and thats tight as fuck  
DAVE: for two you can turn into the wind

JOHN: for real?

DAVE: for real real

JOHN: wow!

DAVE: not to mention  
DAVE: after fucking around with vriska long enough you got some sweet ass retcon skills  
DAVE: basically making you the centerpiece for the entire universe  
DAVE: epic  
DAVE: an astounding move on all fronts

JOHN: which one is vriska again?

DAVE: the loki one but more discoursed

JOHN: got it!!

DAVE: so yeah youve got all that going on too  
DAVE: in summation  
DAVE: god what a weird fucking word  
DAVE: youre way better than zeus if just as horny

JOHN: im not horny!  
JOHN: that makes it sound like im sexually repressed teen jerking it behind a waffle house!

DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: at least youre self aware

JOHN: for heavens sake!!  
JOHN: cant believe you attacking me in the hallways of area 51 like this? how dare  
JOHN: how DARE!!!!  
JOHN: does the rule of bros mean nothing to you anymore?  
JOHN: if were tossing things out the window then i may as well break the no flirting with siblings rule

DAVE: dude you broke that already

JOHN: oh yeah  
JOHN: damn

John sucks in a breath to continue the conversation but you flap your hand at his face, shushing him up. You can hear something. It sounds like scraping of something hard against concrete and you feel yourself tense. You drop into a defensive stance, angling your blade outward and trying to relax. To be ready. The sound must be coming from the fork in the path directly ahead of you, your fingers clench tighter around the sword.

A bead of sweat rolls down your neck and you try not to shudder.

JOHN: uh dave? whats-

John stops talking the same time you hear a crack of two hard things meeting. The sound of bone breaking.

You turn, and you see a grinning fanged face inches from your own, leaning in as the grin turns vicious.

John isn't behind you anymore.

Gamzee is.

What happens next, is a blur.

You feel every second that slips by like a physical weight on your shoulders. Crystal clear before fading into the rest of the weight already heaped upon your back.

You remember slicing viciously at the clown, sending splinters of his stupid juggling clubs flying. Droplets of John's blood scattering with them.

You can't focus on John, just the hulking enemy in front of you. You let the background fade away and have your muscles do all the work. Slowly, a heated roof hazes in where the empty grey hallways of a military base used to be.

And you don't notice it.

Your enemy is probably talking, gloating, if the way his jaws flap and snap out at you are any indicator.

You're so focused on subduing him you barely spare a glance as a cane tipped with red flies straight past your ear. It might've whistled? Your hearing isn't working all that great. It sinks into the concrete of the walls, pinning your enemy by the shirt.

You stutter out a quick breath and the ringing in your ears dies down. You're a bit surprised to even hear the high sound in the first place, but really you shouldn't be with how little sound had gotten through the noise in the first place..

DAVE: fuck

TEREZI: YOU S41D 1T, STR1D3R.

Terezi comes into focus as soon as the environment does, still all sharp angles and bony elbows. She's grinning at you, and it's so familiar you grin back.

DAVE: good to smell you tz

Terezi tosses her head back and _cackles_.

TEREZI: YOUR 3P1C CH3RR1N3SS H4S B33N M1SS3D TOO. BUT W3 SHOULD R34LLY B3 FOCUS1NG ON TH3 CLOWN.

You just nod, turning back to your enemy, Gamzee, with help at your side.

When you rush him again, you know things will turn out different. You try not to think about John as you raise your sword. Guilt, the wily bastard, can come after.  
\------------

Your name is JOHN EGBERT and you are just about to rip Dave a new one when-

Your name is JOHN EGBERT and-

Your name is JOHN EGBE-

Your name is JOHN-

Your name CANNOT be JOHN EGBERT because JOHN EGBERT is dead.

Still, you try.

Your name is JOHN EGBERT.

Your name is JOHN EGBERT.

Your name is JOHNATHAN EGBERT THE FOURTEENTH. Kidding.

Your name is JOHN EGBERT.

Your name is JOHN EGBERT.

Your name is-

Your name is-

JOHN EGBERT.

JOHN. EGBERT.

J  
O  
H  
N  
  
E  
G  
B  
E  
R  
T  
.

Your name is.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Your name _was_ John Egbert.

And you are currently standing in a _very_ green fancy living room thing. A foyer? You're not sure. You're really not sure of a whole lot of stuff right now.

One thing you can be sure of is the giant grandfather clock just across from you. It's nestled right at the bottom of a set of stairs, and there's an emerald rug sitting just beneath it.

It looks like a scratchy rug just like the one **b̸̵̡̛̛͎̠̣̬͉͔͈̬̩̼̺̹̗͋ͮͣ̊̂̋ͪa̷̢̩͕̼̝̥̱̣͎̯̯̻̘͇̜͗ͭͩ͗͆ͤ͒͛ͥͭ͂ͪͯ͌ͩ̚͞ͅc̵̨̧͕͎̱ͣ̑̅̀̿ͯ͋̈́ͥ͆͗͑͂͑͗͊k͔͚̖͉͍̹͎͈͖̗̤̫̅ͬ̂ͬͮ̐͗͜͡ ̷̵̵̡̨̯̙̯̣̣̥̫̺̔̏̒ͯ̅ͯ̉̋ͣ̅̑͑ͧį̷̼̫̯̱̼̳̅̀ͣ̔ͩ͂̃̎ͯ͌ͬ̈́̍̐̚͠ņ̷̛͎̮̻ͨ̾̈͒̽́͛͑̋̍̚͜ ̡̢̧̠̤̜̱̱͕̙͎͇̤͙̹̲͈̀͐́͑̾́̔̄̒̈̉̒̅ͤͣy̶̟̙͍̗̹̤̟̯̙͇͚̼͙̺͐͒̈́ͧ̐̍̂͂̏͌͌̀̚ͅǫ̴̫̠̮̱͇͍̰̲̳̬̦̙̼͉̱̝̙̬ͩ̿ͤ̀̃͗̔̃ͦͨͨ̿͂͂̽̈͜͡ư̺̖̣̼̺͎̣̮̳̝̲̩̗̻̪̗̍͋̂͂̅̃̌́ͥ̓̐̀͝ͅr̵̨̡̩̞̯͚͙̅͗ͤͦ͒͐͋̊̚ ͫ͆̈͋̅ͩ̑̓͆͋͊̌́҉̰̮̥̲̝̖͙̣̫̜̖̟̟̗ͅh̶̿̄̅̊ͭͨͫ̉͂̉͝͝͏̞̫͎̣͎̪̞͖̦̪̻̥̜̻̙̗ͅơ̧̨̰̠͍̦̯͎̤̰̮̜̰͚̣̹̯̭ͥ͐́ͦ̅̎̋̔̐ͣͭ̅ͬ͑̀t̶̵̨̯̫̻͔̻̱̖͚̯̘̥̤̪͍̥̬ͨͮ̅̇̿̓̉̀͜ę̘̖̝̱̖̖̣̺̤̮̻̯̫͙̪̰̰̠͖͛͋̑ͮ̌͂͛̇̄̈́͂ͧͤ̀̈́ͫͫͨ̚͢͟l̢̨͋̾̒͑̓͐̅ͬ͟͞҉͍̪̻̮ ̵̵̧̗͈̦͙͙̜̣͇͍̜ͤ͌ͨͨ͌̀̂̎̅̅̐͒̄̐ͤͮ̚͜͠r̛̋̊̑̈́̋͆̚͘҉̫̣͚̠̮̬̻̠̕ͅo̶̠̱͇͇͙̩̲̩͈̘̼̪̤͕̺ͫͪ͊͗̐́̅̚͡ͅó̠̙̹̱̙̠̹͚̹͓ͣͨ͊ͮ͒̈́ͪ͊̾ͨͯ̈́̆͟͞ͅm̜͓̜͈̘͚̏͂̈̄̊̋̇͐͂̄͂̔̂́͟͡.**

The clock must be broken because it's not moving.

The hands aren't ticking and the swingy circle thingy isn't swinging.

JOHN: thats weird

What's even weirder is that in a flash of bright green light that reminds you of-<strike>_ islands, dogs, science, explosions, love_</strike>\- something, and a finely dressed man with a white circle for a head is in front of you. Blocking the clock.

???: Why hello there.  
???: I wasn't expecting a visit from you quite yet! Though, you do seem less...blue than I'd hoped.

The man(??????) pokes at your chest and you have half a mind to be indignant but you freeze as you notice static trail after the finger that had just poked you. It hangs from his finger, a thick rope of white noise that drips like syrup down onto the carpet.

???: Reception is certainly less than ideal. Can you hear me all right through all that snow, boy?

JOHN: uh yeah?  
JOHN: whats...happening...

???: You tell me! This is your story after all, you're the protagonist. You can do whatever you want here.

JOHN: And the others...?

???: What others?

You don't know. What others, indeed.

JOHN: well who are you then?

???: I am Doc Scratch, but you can call me Doc if you'd like.

JOHN: huh  
JOHN: i uh...  
JOHN: did i just die?

DOC: Hmm? Oh, yes, probably.

JOHN: oh  
JOHN: that's not good, right?

DOC: Probably not, though, before you ask, no this is not heaven nor hell, and no I am not any kind of God.

JOHN: i have god friends though  
JOHN: i think?  
JOHN: im very confused

The ball head guy just nods and offers up a suddenly appearing bowl of black scottie dogs.

DOC: Have some licorice, and let's talk.

Somehow, you get the feeling you won't like the taste of licorice but you take one anyway.

It's sticky.

JOHN: so  
JOHN: is there anything you can tell me?  
JOHN: or am i static forever

DOC: You'll be fine, little one. Once your blue comes back, and I have no doubt that it will, you will be a lot less confused.  
DOC: Eat your licorice, it'll melt if you keep gripping it like that.

You say a quick apology before popping it in your mouth. You can't taste anything, and swallow it like a pill.

DOC: Now then.

Doc leads you out of the first room off to a side room, still eye searingly green, but decorated with lavish couches. There's a tea set on a glass table just in front of the couch. You sit down and immediately sink into the plush velvet. Heh, that's kind of like how **d̷̶̂ͩ̅́̄͆̃ͯ̑ͭ͒ͭͪ̒́҉̛̹̗͔̺͓̱̻̥͈a̵̵͇̖̼̰̙̬̱̳̻̮̰̳̬͈̙͐̀ͣ̏͞v̸̴͖͎̠͔̯̘͓͉͎̟͚̜̻̲̖͊̎͑́̋ͪ̅̏̾̀̄ͦͪ̓̾́̀̚ę̴̶̶͚̪͕͎̭̼͕̝͔̪͇̭̫͔̩̫̰ͪ̂͗ͨ͗̏ͯ̓ͨ͐́͋̏ͯ͘ ̑̅͗̒̈ͪ͆͞͏͓̭̫̪̖̙̠͔̮͓͉̳͓ͅͅw͑̒͐͋̂̆̐́͗ͨ́ͩͦ̓̚͢͠҉̶͍̟̙̘̠̙̼̙̭̝͍͔̤͡ơ̢̘̣̮̙̬̓ͦ̍̏͛̽̿͑ͮͣ̓̀͑ư̸͓̟̹̭̦ͩ͌͂̆̎͌̃̎̎͒̑̃̋ͭ́͘͡l̡̛̛͇̪̲̪̩̱̮̣̤͕̲͙̠̞͎̜̃̋͊̒ͮ̍̉ͩd̊̐̐̊̉͋̑ͦ͏͖̬͖͇͙͕̰͚͘ ̴̸̨͕̹̼̹͓̟̰̲͎̖̱̻̩̲̰͕͉̪̎͐̾ͣ̈́́̀͞ͅd̶̴̵͓̮̪͈̞̟̞̬̺̠̮̳̱̗͉̼ͩ͂̌̓̀̆͊̋̆ͩ̔̍ͯ͝ͅë̵̷̸̞̣̣̬̩̠̺͎̥͍̥͉̟̮̮̻͉́ͪ̈́̑̓̍ͥ͊͂͒͌̀͝s̐ͬ̉̑̔͐ͭ̍͋͏̛̥͈̼̞͓̲̠̟͘c̰͎͔̥͖̃ͩͨ̇̚̕ṙ̨̥̗̣̭̫̰͎̦̟̺̺̲̈́̅̂͗̑̀̔͞ỉ̷̀̾̎̓̋ͦͧͤ̉́҉̶̜͕̺͇͖̘̙͡ͅb̶͚̩͚̩ͬ̋ͭ̇͒̍̈́̓̓̎͌͋̆̿̚͘̕ȅ̷̦̣̠̯͔̭̲̠̀ͩ̈́ͪ̎͜͞ ̸̼͓͈̝̦̟̠͙̲̥̤̘̌͒̆̾̏̇̿̌͌̋͛̌͑̔͋̒͠͠ţ̼̲̭̰͉̼͍̻̣̘͙̺̥̮̣̪̏̃̋̓̍ͤ̒̓ͯ̇̌̏ͯ̋ͩ̕͠ͅḩ̘̫̭̘̪͉̠͓̩̬̙̰͍̗̀ͤ̈͊ͤ͆͊̈́ͭ̅͊̾̊̂̑́̏̐̚͢͝o̴̶̼͖͍̹̯̤̙̞̞̲̯͚̺̹̦̻̩̭ͬͧ̎ͯ̏ͩͭ̆͋̾̊͘͟͢s̶̡̮͓̘͔͔̻̘̳̖̖͌̾ͫ̄̉̔ͮ̇̉̃͐͘͠e̻̪̳͉͕̻̹̩̤̲̜͎̘͙̎ͬͮͮͦͦ̌̓͆͒ͩ͛̓̔̔ͯ̎̕͢ ̴̶̴̸̦̝̱̳͇̲̼͈̰̜͓͇̖̖̼̦̗͇̇̑̿̾ͩ̊̊ͧ̑͐̅͑͂͑͡s̵̶̨̆̂̈̈ͩ̒͝͏̟̼̭̺̯͈̯͍ē̷̷͑ͥ͒̂̑̾̏̎̓͘͢͏̭̰̱̲͓̳͍̹̳̜̙̳̞͎x͕͔̩̰͍̳̖̣̠̱͖̃͑ͩͬ̑͌ͯ̋͗ͮͮ͐̑ͪ̾́ͬ͡ ̶̡̨̺͖̹̘̰̏͑̈́ͤͪͬͪ̀̃̐̋͂̍̈́̈͛ͯͫ͝͠p̷̷̨̧͈̲̱̭̪̤͖̹̜̬̞̻͗́ͤ̅͛͂̅̐ͭ̂̾̄ͮ̿̅̆̐ͭ͂́u̶̹̳͔̬̠͈͈͍͓̫̼̬̣̥̮̱͓̹̿ͮ̄̓͜͠p̶͂ͥ̓̂ͦͤ͊̄ͧ̅ͭ͗̃ͯ͜͝҉̬̙͔͚͈̪̺̱̙̖͖ͅp̴̬̦̪͔̟̰̆̃͌̿̓͑ͬ̈ͭ̏̅̃͌ͤͨ͌̉ͫ̕ͅȅ̡̧̱͉̗̜̹̱̞̙͕̠ͦ̆̚͜͡ẗ̶́̔̾̅ͨ̊̇̑ͧ̈́̃ͫͣ͗̾̈́̔̀̚͏̷̬͇̳͓̕ŝ͌ͨ̔̈̽҉̡̬̗̫̪͎͉̮̠̝̲̦͎̯̣̘̱ͅ.̤̤̱͙̥̳̦̩̘̫̯̞ͧ̇ͥ̉͝ͅ**

DOC: Now then, oh, blast it all.  
DOC: Have to go and space my words all strangely for that static you're carrying with you. It better resolve itself soon. I'd rather not exert any effort of my own if I can afford it.  
DOC: So John, you're newly dead and you're not sure if that's good or not. Surely you want answers as to how and why you died, correct?

JOHN: no im good on that front  
JOHN: pretty sure my head got bashed  
JOHN: cause ive got a killer headache and thats how this shit works right??

DOC: For you, sure.  
DOC: If that's how you're choosing to remember it.  
DOC: I've been watching you for quite some time, and I must say, I'm rather disappointed.

JOHN: what?

DOC: For the leader of a team of gods from a separate universe, you are quite the simpleton. Gaffs, pranks, and petty jealousy. I suppose I shouldn't expect greatness from thirteen year olds, but alas.

You feel your face scrunch up. What this Doc guy is saying doesn't align with the facts in your head _at all_. You feel a strong urge to punch this tool.

JOHN: well uh  
JOHN: you arent all that impressive yourself orb guy  
JOHN: youve got such a nice place but its all so...??????

DOC: Green?

JOHN: _empty_  
JOHN: its all empty!  
JOHN: this is just like back in **á̷ͣͨ̈́̏ͯ̎̂͂̓͑͛̽́҉͍͙͇͙̲̺̪̬̙̗rȩ͍̣͙̭̗̞̲̫͔̰͔͚̜̘̾ͦ̈́̆̊ͦ̍͘a̡̱̘̰̭͙̭̠͎̯̼̯̫̪͉̠̟̝͎ͬ̈́͐ͨ̏ͦ̃̊̈́̏ ̴̸̝̪̰̦͈̼̼͍̯̙̣̻͙ͫͤ̒͊̌ͫ͘͝5̝̣̥̥͖̓͑̃͑̒̊ͬ́́͟͡1̛̥̟̗̩̦̩̖͖͇͓̳̟̤͍̜̲͚̀̾͑̇ͪͬ̀͛̋ͮͥ̐̃̀̚͢ͅ,̨̧̫͕̟͖̩̖̗͇̪͉̮̯̲͔̥͖̈́ͫ̆̐́̉͊̋ͯͤ͑͗͗̓̌͟͢ͅͅ ̲͍̠͕̣̋̒͗͊̽̿̇ͨ͋̑̈̾̒ͧ́ͪ́͟i̝͖̘͔̰̣̒̄͗͌͋͋́͛̽̍͑͌̆ͣ̓̑́ͅt͂̍͋͌̽̏̾ͮ̌̾͒҉̨̞̭̰̫̩̙̣̻̥̘̺̯͕̱͕̫ͅ ̶̵͓̮̥͍͙̈́͗ͪ́̇ͯ̅̈̂͊͂̀͘͟ŵ̨͈͇͈̮̩̩̮̹͙͍̰͕̻̈́̅́̐ͮͤ͠a̴̷̖͈̙̯̻̝̻̩̙̦̹͔͕̘̬ͤ̓̎̊̑̍̍̈ͣ͛͆͢͞s̄̽ͨ̊ͯ̓̈͂̅̌ͮͯͦ͏̨̛̪͔̮̟̲̹̼̜̲̣͖͇̺̤͎͉̮͍́̀ ̡̙̺̫͖̥̻̩̫̯͈̥̗͉͓̐̈́̇ͤͪ̐̏ͯ̌̍ͥͫͦ̀͠é̷̢̤̯͉̭̪̫͇̰͓̥̯́̍ͩ̈́ͣ̾ͤ͠ͅm̴̧̹̻͕̓̾ͦ̉͛ͫ̂ͣ̋̍̉͐̽ͦ͆̔̒͘p̵̧̥̣̗̥͍̟͉͈̼̻̙͖͎͇̭̝̬̱̜̿͊ͩ͑̄͊ͩ̏͐̉ͤͮͨͣ̍̊̽͋̚ţ̶͇̤̹̘̬̙̤͌ͭ̈́͐̆̂̃ͣ̓ͯͭͥ̇͌̿y̸̨̡͉̖̳̝̘̪̝͇͉̰̣̩̹̭̟͐̌͒̿̓ͥ͒̆̾́̚ ̛̰̖͖̖̲̱̘͇̯͎̳̬̬͔͙͕̏͋ͮ̉͆̂̔̄ͥ̓ͪͣ̆ͣ́ͅt̔̓̾͋̓̄̂͊̂͊̏̓̏͌͘҉͚̠̯̟̼̺͖͞h̡̨͚̹̣̙͓̙̻̟̤͓̼ͬ͛ͬ̑͂͑ͥ͗̍̽ͪ͞ȩ̃ͤ̈́̉͋ͧ̽̎ͤ̂̽ͧ͒̚҉̷͏̮͙̻͓̘̘̺̳̠̳͍̦̲r̢̘̘̯̥͔̍ͮͦ̔͒̎ͦ̆̊͊͐̉͋̍̈́ͣ̔̆͢e̲̦̭͓̯͎̗̘̰͍̮̝̎̀̐ͮ̈ͧ̀͡ ̵̶̭̦͓̖̬̗̩̩̤̠͂̀͒͂͑͛̒̿ͮ̅͊ͣͬͪ̋̓́̚̕͟t͕̤̙̎̍ͭͥ̑̑ͦͧ̑̀̚͡͡ͅo͓̭̤̞̩̫̥̞̪ͩͨ̑͂͆̓ͮͬ͝ͅo̢̨̹͍̪̱̐͑̉̌̀̾!̴̡̜̤͉̫̮̔̄͑̉ͨ̈́͋̿́̄͐̎ͤ̐̌͂̓̀ͅͅ**

DOC: Dear heavens, child.  
DOC: Please, stop bringing up-  
DOC: -faulty memories. I'm having to dodge your static whenever you mention them and it is quite tiring!

JOHN: hmmm  
JOHN: that sounds like a you problem

DOC: You were the one concerned about this static in the first place, are you not?

JOHN: i am  
JOHN: im just also starting to feel like whatever static words i spew out _you_ dont want me to think too hard about  
JOHN: well guess what bucko!  
JOHN: my sister is one of the _best_ pranksters out there and youre no where _near_ her level of psyche out games!

DOC: Rest assured, I am in no way attempting to "Psyche you out," I am merely acting as a proper host while you self destruct on my couch.

JOHN: im not self destructing! im calling you out for horse shit!

DOC: What_ ever_ does the feces of equines have to do with you?

JOHN: dont you dare act like those condescending wind bag grand mas who dont understand expressions!  
JOHN: i can tell by the look in your eye

DOC: I am afraid to inform you, that I do not have eyes.

JOHN: then how do you _see_

DOC: The way I see all things, through the text.

JOHN: ughhhhhhh  
JOHN: never mind forget i asked

The two of you lapse into silence. Doc sips at his tea (some_how_???????????). You swallow another licorice dog and note it tastes kind of burnt. That's probably a good sign.

JOHN: so how do i get out of here  
JOHN: its great to be here and all but i want to leave

Doc stifles a laugh.

DOC: You can leave once you get your blue back.

JOHN: what the fuck is that even supposed to mean!  
JOHN: you keep repeating it like i know what youre referring to but i dont because im an *eighth grader* and my brain is still small!  
JOHN: so spell it out man because im pretty shit at reading!

DOC: Very well.  
DOC: What is your colour John?

JOHN: uhhhhhh

DOC: My colour is white, though I have been known for green. Other people might have the colour purple, or red, or orange, yellow, really any colour you can think of.

JOHN: well then i guess im grey?  
JOHN: i dont know i look pretty grey

DOC: On the contrary. You are _quite_ blue, John. You'll realize that when you get your blue back.

JOHN: IM STILL CONFUSED!!!!!!!

DOC: I'm sure our audience feels the same way.

He looks forward beyond you but when you turn to see what he's staring at it's just another wall.

Yeah. Okay. This is getting old.

JOHN: listen  
JOHN: either you start offering up some serious answers or ill find my own way out

DOC: By all means, you're welcome to try.

Ohhhhhhh, that _smug bastard_.

JOHN: THATS IT.

You wind back and slam your fist against the smooth round surface of Doc's face, tiny spiraling glowing cracks erupting under your knuckles. Doc cried out, hands flying to cover the cracks before they splinter even more and wow. That felt good.

JOHN: yeah hows that taste licorice man  
JOHN: oh wait  
\------------

The Devil and the Huntsman by Daniel Pemberton and Sam Lee

Young man came from hunting faint, tired and weary  
What does ail my Lord, my dearie?  
Oh, brother dear, let my bed be made  
For I feel the gripe of the woody nightshade  
Men need a man would die as soon  
Out of the light of a mage's moon  
But it's not by bone, but yet by blade  
Can break the magic that the devil made  
And it's not my fire, but was forged in flame  
Can drown the sorrows of a huntsman's pain  
This young man he died fair soon  
By the light of a hunter'e moon  
'Twas not by bone, nor yet by blade  
Of the berries of the woody nightshade  
Oh Father dear lie and be safe  
From the path that the devil made

\------------

The fight wasn't going well. Fighting two on one helped but on some level you knew this was an unwinnable fight.

Your name is TEREZI PYROPE and you're currently head-butting Gamzee in the stomach while Dave strikes his exposed back. Your pointy horns have always been useful, but if your ex-clown-hate-squeeze honks a little extra in pain you won't be complaining.

But then his club is meeting your shoulder blades and you've got a face full of concrete and maybe a little blood and he's turning to smack Dave off of him and you shriek in fury. You scrape your claws at Gamzee's legs, tearing and ripping and _demanding_ his full undivided attention.

TEREZI: TH4TS 1T, COM3 4ND G3T M3 B1TCHBOY!

Gamzee reaches down to grab you by the scruff and you're still snarling and clawing but he doesn't care. Fuck, he never cared.

GAMZEE: hey now mamacita  
GAMZEE: YOU WOULDNT BE UP AND TRYING TO TRULY PUT HARM ON A MOTHERFUCKER?

TEREZI: 4ND SO WH4T 1F 1 4M?

GAMZEE: then youd be a right treacherous little chick now wouldnt you

TEREZI: L1T3R4LLY HOW. 1M F1GHT1NG YOU TO K33P TH3 T34M S4F3 BULG3BR41NS.

GAMZEE: SO YOU THINK LETTING OUR _OWN_ DIE FOR _THEIR_ SAKES AINT TREACHERY?

TEREZI: TH3YR3 4LR34DY D34D!

GAMZEE: they have a  
GAMZEE: SECOND CHANCE

VRISKA: Oh 8ore!  
VRISKA: Are you actually arguing about those meat sacks called dead weight?

Both of you turn sharply to stare at Vriska, when did she-? Who cares! You've got extra backup and Rose and the rest of the humans can't be far behind.

Good, Dave is looking worse for wear, leaning against his sword and standing vigil by John's, well, his corpse.

VRISKA: I cannot 8elieve you both would be so stupid!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: Neither of you get to lose your godhoods and you didn't think to hash all your over dramatic 8ullshit out earlier?  
VRISKA: And over the fucking spineless cowards and mushy 8astards to 8oot?  
VRISKA: I _have_ to laugh.  
VRISKA: Watch!  
VRISKA: Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah!!!!!!!!

You spot Rose and Kanaya coming from the other side of the hallway, and dangling over Kanaya's shoulder is Tavros.

You can feel your own grin.

You wink at Kanaya and she nods, letting Vriska monologue at the clown while the jadeblood rears back and chucks Tavros straight at John.

They collide in a bright flash of light and John is standing, staring at his fist.

GAMZEE: no no nO NO NO NO NO!

The rest of the humans file in and Vriska has already grappled Gamzee around the neck, yanking him back as his Rage hits a peak you haven't seen before.

That's new!

JOHN: shit guys  
JOHN: are the rest of you guys tired?  
JOHN: because im _so damn tired_

John huffs and you're over by Strider, helping him to his feet.

JOHN: lets just  
JOHN: hey can we just not continue this fight?  
JOHN: zap over to taco bell or some thing and chill?

JANE: Can we...do that?

JOHN: why not?  
JOHN: all in favor?

The humans all raise their hands, and yeah, okay you want tacos too so you raise your hand as well.

JOHN: cool

He cups his hands together in a ball and then you're being zapped away from the government base.

Immediately the smell of meat and warm spiced air smacks you in the face and you couldn't be more pleased.  
\------------

ROSE: Kanaya.

KANAYA: Yes?

ROSE: I must ask, because I know how important it is to you, but where would you like to have our house?

KANAYA: Oh I Must Admit I Am Surprised By This  
KANAYA: But I Would Prefer To Live Somewhere Sunny And Bright Rather Than Wooded Or Rainy

ROSE: I believe that can be arranged.

Your hands are still twined together under the table, and you don't think you're ever letting go again. One of you, you can't tell for sure, leans forward and you share a chaste kiss before she melts into your side.  
\------------

DAVE: hey bro

KARKAT: UH. SUP. BRO.  
KARKAT: UGH, LISTEN, DO YOU WANT YOUR SHADES BACK NOW OR WHAT?

DAVE: nah nah i can get them

KARKAT: THEY ARE *ON* *MY* *HEAD* IF YOU HAND'T NOTICED.

DAVE: ive noticed dont worry kat

He grabs you around your waist and suddenly you're standing up in this shitty human food place that smells like preemptive diarrhea and he's dipping you.

Dave fucking Strider just dip kissed you and is now removing his shades from your head like it's no big deal.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

It is a _very_ big deal.  
\------------

DIRK: I appreciate the concern, but I already hashed this out with Dave, you don't need to-

ROXY: shhhhhhhut the fuck up  
ROXY: you were dumb and listened to that cueball fucker didnt you

DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Maybe. But it's hardly relevant anymore-

ROXY: i think the fuck not!  
ROXY: if youre deciding to trust magical space balls over your own family thats p fuckin relevant!!  
ROXY: so shut up and trust me when i tell you we gotta hash this shit out as many times as it takes for you to _get_ the fact that weve got ur back!

HAL: And also not to snap at the people who want to help you.

DIRK: This is. A lot.

ROXY: bad lot?

DIRK: I don't think so.

And he's smiling and you're smiling and you're pretty sure Hal is smiling too. Hells yeah babey that's how it's done.  
\------------

JOHN: so!  
JOHN: guess thats the end  
JOHN: were all pretty tired!  
JOHN: like super tired okay i might have been a little bit too light with the tired gauge  
JOHN: man were exhausted  
JOHN: so now were going to eat tacos  
JOHN: or i guess in terezis case whole avocados  
JOHN: how ever she got _those_  
JOHN: and were going to have a great time!  
JOHN: were going to laugh and be teenagers!  
JOHN: and as the protagonist im declaring the plot over!  
JOHN: no more plot  
JOHN: none  
JOHN: its been decided and i banged my gavel and its law  
JOHN: so yeah  
JOHN: were going to go chill now  
JOHN: but the plots done so i dont think you really need all these viewports up anymore  
JOHN: bye!!

He reaches up, and John turns off the screen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it! I hope you all enjoyed it. I can say that I loved writing it, and I know that I'm proud of myself for finishing. 
> 
> Thank you to all the commenters, everyone who left kudos, and even those that simply looked at it. Thank you for reading my work, I am grateful to have you. 
> 
> I don't know if I'll make another summer story in June or July, or even ever again. But this has been an amazingly positive experience on all fronts, and honestly, I'm just content to be done. 
> 
> Again, thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, any tips or ideas are welcome! This is not my first fanfic, but definitely one I want to be proud of.


End file.
